Sunday, September 13, 2009

Bad Analogy Pitch Session 7

"Hi Evil Editor," the aspiring author said, his voice squeaking like the brakes on a '73 Plymouth Fury I once owned. "I know your time is valuable, so I'm gonna cut to the chase like a Bowie knife through a lamb spleen. I've written a novel I think you'll find as riveting as a Native American on a skyscraper I-beam. It opens with a fireworks display of ennui, progresses through a flash flood of pathos, and closes in a tsunami of tuna and salami sandwiches. Think cocaine on steroids."

"Interesting," I replied. "Let me see if I'm understanding you. It sounds like you're saying your novel reads like a war of attrition between landlocked nations from opposite hemispheres, with the emotional impact of a Carpathian mongoose on the South Beach diet."

"Were you even frigging listening to me?" he yelled. "It's more like the feeling you get when you watch someone with a lot of facial piercings eat cheese that's gone bad."

"Ah, I see. And I like it. It's like last night when I saw some hot shot showoff request chopsticks in a Chinese restaurant just to impress his date and then drop a hunk of General Tso's chicken in his lap."

"Exactly. Except this is more like a Mu Shu pork accident."

"Mu Shu pork? Sorry, dude; I've already got two of those in the pipeline."

--Evil Editor

6 comments:

Dave F. said...

riveting as a Native American on a skyscraper I-beam

ARGH!!!! That is a screamer of a metaphor. Oh so painfully funny and ignorant and goody at once. A highlight of the lowly metaphor. More than a smile, more than a guffaw...

Rick Daley said...

Ah, so that's how it's done.

_*Rachel*_ said...

How in the world did you understand each other?

Anonymous said...

actually I kind of liked

"It's more like the feeling you get when you watch someone with a lot of facial piercings eat cheese that's gone bad."

I could visualize something like that, while a "Native American on skyscrper I-beam."

Not so much - but if you added "while hanging the American flag the size of Texas."

Oh nevermind - I'm editing. Can you tell?

vkw

Anonymous said...

Think cocaine on steroids.

I loved this line.

Wes said...

"Were you even frigging listening to me?" he yelled. "It's more like the feeling you get when you watch someone with a lot of facial piercings eat cheese that's gone bad."

Hilarious