Monday, September 28, 2009

New Beginning 689

I hate guns. I went to a party when I was sixteen and my friend's maw pulled a revolver on her ex-husband in the dining room. Me and my friends were sitting around the table drinking cheap beer, and right out of nowhere there was this crazy bitch on the loose. She yelled at him to get the hell out of her house, but his arms went up real slow and his fingers crossed behind his head. He leaned back in the chair like it was a joke. All of us kids got up and ran out of that house like we were stealing candy from the 7-11 and we got caught. I remember turning around to look at the last minute, before I made it outside, and what I noticed was the difference between the two of them. His face looked flat and peach, as if he didn't give a shit at all. She had a red face that shook and twisted--she was a human pit bull ready to attack. Thinking back, I realize crazy doesn't always look like you think it's going to. That man was nuts, and he took two bullets in the chest because of it. Anyway, that's why I hate guns.

However, I sense that you boys don't quite share the same sentiment, and given the late hour and the part of town we're in, I guess on this occasion I would be willing to, ah, part with the Rolex and my money. Just stay calm there, boys, while I reach for my wallet . . .



Opening: Aimee States.....Continuation: Anon.

15 comments:

Evil Editor said...

Unchosen continuations:


That moment stuck with me all this time. I figured no one should have to go through stuff like that on their own; people need help; relationships need help. It just prayed on me, all of that did. So I studied hard, and after I graduated college, I set up shop here, just so's I can do what I can to help folks out. You did the right thing, coming here, ma'am. So, do you need any ammo with that?

--anon.


And me, I went back in there because even though I think I know crazy when I see it, I think I know love,too,and that crazy bitch had put a hole in my heart with those two bullets. I knew this was the minute I grew up and no longer wanted anything but my friend's maw only without the gun.

--Kate Thornton


Her? Well, she was a hero. After the green stuff had finished oozing out of the holes she put in him and the dust from the choppers had cleared, (along with the men in black suits and sunglasses), we realized just how crazy the guy was. I mean, most of us keep a low profile, and avoid getting shot.
Sometimes I think the government's program to stop inbreeding around here has gone too far.

--Mother (Re)produces


I mean, sure she threw the bullets at him instead of shooting them, but that only goes to show those people who say liquor and guns don't mix because after all, if she hadn't been drunk she would've remembered to load that old revolver. Guns, man. Thank god for beer. --Sarah from Hawthorne


The lonely dancer was a human pit bull ready to attack as she strode across the parking lot. Jeb and me seen her dancing and she sashayed her way over to our table and we knew what she wanted. She asked if these jeans made her ass look fat. We both patted her butt gently and said it ain’t your jeans that’s the problem. When we said our piece she went for her purse and pulled out a revolver and we ran off like a couple of teenagers stealing whiskey from the off-sale. We made it to the car, and she kept coming like a dog after a raccoon, her eyes never leaving us for a second. I hate guns.

“Jeb, hand me that bazooka.”

--Joel G.


Now I'm twenty-six. The zombie kudzu invaders have destroyed civilization. Most of the survivors scrabble over guns and ammo. Thinking an AK-47 will make a difference to humanoid plants -- that's crazy. Guns suck. Every morning as I pick up my flamethrower and shoulder the propane tanks I think I must be the only sane person left in the world.

--Faceless Minion


Bob emptied the shells out of his 9-millimeter and reloaded. He had listened to this diatribe from his new partner in silence, but he couldn't help but wonder: If this guy hated guns so much, what the fuck was he doing in the FBI?

--Stacy


"Hmmmm." Homicide detective Zack Martinez tapped the table. "I'm going to get some coffee. You want some?"

"No. Thanks."

Zack closed the door softly.

Lieutenant Moyers joined him outside the room. "Well?"

"Guilty as hell. How else would he know that the vic was stabbed fifteen times with a ball-point pen?"

"And the gun story?"

"No, that was real. There's some interesting people in Bouquet Canyon." He swirled the coffee, slowly, watching the steam roll away. "I don't know. Can you blame the guy for attacking an editor? He didn't kill the guy."

"Yeah," said Moyers. "And even if he had, I hear they're not even really human."

--Khazar-Khum

Evil Editor said...

I like this, though I'd change the simile to: like we got caught stealing candy from the 7-11.

Also, I turned around, rather than I remember turning around. The whole thing is what you remember; no need to single out this part.

Matthew said...

Good job, Aimee. Is this a short story? I imagine it would be hard to maintain that kind of breathless first person over the course of an entire novel.

It drew me in and I felt like as was experiencing it as opposed to reading it. The only part that threw me was "maw" at the very beginning. It made me picture his friends jaw.

writtenwyrdd said...

You have a very distinctive voice here, Author, but I think you are doing it a little too strong with the colloquial speech. Just a little bit.

Interesting beginning point. This could go anywhere. What I felt like was going to happen was there'd be a shooting.

But I was thrown by the mention by the narrator that s/he was drinking beer, then that they were kids. So maybe the narrator is relaying something from his/her past, which would explain a youthful narrator calling himself a kid (which most teens would not.) But the way it's presented after the mention of the beer, it threw me a bit.

Dave F. said...

I thought this sentence hurt this opening.

I remember turning around to look at the last minute, before I made it outside, and what I noticed was the difference between the two of them.

The writing hits a point that needs a climax or a punch. This doesn't have that, it loses it steam and draws out the action. "Realizing" is passive. "Remembering" is passive. (not voice but inaction) It's the only place you deliberately inform the reader this is a memory.

I think you need to say that the narrator turned and saw crazy. You need a word like "crazy" to pull the reader. Think about something like this:
"At the last minute I turned and saw the death standing between them."
or just simply:
"I turned and saw crazy."

_*Rachel*_ said...

Nice continuation!

I like this one a lot. I'd only suggest skipping "and we got caught" and breaking it up into smaller paragraphs. Taking some of the advice for pruning sentences isn't a bad idea, either.

Your point about being crazy is a fascinating one.

Sarah Laurenson said...

Very nice. I'd read on.

And ditto the other comments here.

vkw said...

like we were stealing candy from the 7-11 and we got caught.

I like dave's suggestion about this sentence. I would shorten it to get to get better impact.

I remember turning around to look at the last minute, before I made it outside, and what I noticed was the difference between the two of them.

To something like

Just as I hit the door, I looked at the two of them. His face was blank and smug all at the same time, like he didn't give a shit at all.

mb said...

I just loved the continuation.

Anonymous said...

This has a strong voice, but something isn't working. You need to name "my friends," because it distances the reader from this character. "crazy bitch" does the same thing. I get what you're trying to do, but it seems like the MC doesn't know his friend very well-If that is the case, me and some guys will sound more natural than me and my friends.

I'd delete " I went to a party". I was thrown off by this what they're actually doing isn't partying. Its grabbing a case of beer and heading over to so and so's house to get drunk because his parents don't care.

The narrator is telling us the events like an adult, but the voice is younger. I'm sorry, there's just too much incongruency for me.

iago said...

I liked it. No, uh, incongruency for me.

Obviously "me and my friends" should be "my friends and I," but I'll cut you some slack there... ;)

Xiexie said...

I love it when the minions say what I was planning to say.

The voice is good. "Maw" did throw me for a moment.

Good job.

Robin S. said...

Doing a quick drive-by before leavg for the office- had to say - this continuation is soooooo good!

Aimee States said...

Thanks everyone. Suggestions duly noted and much appreciated.

Aimee States said...

I just got a chance to go back and read all the continuations. Bravo guys and gals, very funny.