Yes sir, may I help you?
I hope so. I need a gift idea for my wife.
No problem. Uh, payment in advance please.
Of course . . . Thank you, I'll run that through . . . and if you'll sign here?
Okay . . . Whoa. Two hundred and ninety-eight dollars? Is that a joke?
It's my usual fee.
It's four times what I'm spending on the gift!
I can suggest a more expensive gift, if you wish.
The gift price is fine. It's the fee that's--
Sir, this is your wife. I assume she looked at the last gift you gave her as if it were a steaming turd?
Yes, but even I could come up with a decent gift for $373.00.
I doubt it.
Of course I--
You'd get her a new refrigerator for the den. So she wouldn't have to keep bringing you beer from the kitchen. Thoughtful.
Hmm. Actually, that's not bad. Wait, how much are those mini-fridges?
Christ, you sound like Tiger Woods. He wouldn't pay my fee, bought his wife golf equipment, she cut him off, the rest is history.
Look, you can pay me my $298.00, or you can spend thousands on a marriage counselor followed by decades of alimony. Paying my fee is like upgrading from sleeping on the couch to sleeping with a Scandinavian supermodel.
Gimme the damn receipt. I'll sign . . . There. Now what's your brilliant suggestion?
Art. Specifically, this oil painting I did a few months back.
That looks like a painting of you!
A self-portrait. Lemme know how she likes it. Oh, and I'll need that American Express card again.