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Book Chat 14

Book Chat 14: Mary Doria Russell/Dreamers of the Day

April, 2009

Evil Editor said...The book comes with its own discussion questions, so if one of them sounds intriguing . .

Robin S. said...I didn't read the questions - I prefer to have my own, to be honest.

Evil Editor said... Theory: Russell saw the photo and then wrote the book. Like a writing exercise.

Robin S. said...The photo is evocative, as is/was the era. I suppose that could happen, although my guess is she's been interested in the seminal events of the era, and worked through a way of unfolding them, and maybe the picture was a part of that.

sylvia said...I like the writing but I'm feeling very frustrated at the fact/fiction mix. It bugs me not to know what is real and what is simply the author's version of what could have happened. Even things like that photo - I felt like I should be going to the library to find the original to find out who the two women on foot really were.

Evil Editor said...Maybe it's not known who they were.

sylvia said...I hope it's not known who they are. If it is known and neither is named Shanklin, then I'd be annoyed. If one is named Shanklin, then I'd feel like I should be searching for information about her, to find out how close it is to the author's rendition.

Robin S. said...I think she used the name Shanklin after a teacher. (I always read the author's notes/credits first.)

sylvia said...I love the writing style and I'm more than half in love with Lawrence but the desire to understand the detail (and feeling somewhat inadequate because I don't know which scenes are based on well-known history) means I'm never really getting into the book.

Evil Editor said...I got the impression the history was not fiction, that her take is more accurate than what appears in some history books. She read numerous Lawrence biographies. The acknowledgments at the end convinced me. And she's well-known for extensive research of her books.

Dave F. said...I thought of "Rosencrantz and Guildenstern" because Agnes is merely the observer to history, the chance observer to the Great War to End All Wars, the influenza of '18, the roarings and the depression. She is only important as the observer. It's like a history of a grandmother, the family tale.

sylvia said...She is only important as the observer. But she's much less trustworthy than an actual observer would be. We know she's making things up because it sounds good. I just don't know which bits (maybe it's obvious to others).

Dave F. said...I too, liked the style. I was comfortable reading it. My only pick was the font hurt my eyes. (it's called Bembo)...

Robin S. said...I kind of liked the font Dave- and the history of the font in the back of the book. Kind of felt 'musty' and historical when reading, which worked, all things considered.

Dave F. said...But the font made my eyes hurt as I read it. I find it hard to focus on when I read.

sylvia said...I didn't notice the font at all :) I love things like the Flashman series but I feel like the author went out of his way to make sure that we could see what was known history and what was "Flashman's bizarre view of events" through both the narrative and the extensive footnotes. I guess, the problem for me is that there are real quotes from Churchhill in the book and there are made-up references of things he could have said but didn't. And because I don't know which are which, I don't feel like I can relax and let myself simply enjoy the story.

Evil Editor said...If it's a conversation between Agnes and a character, it's made up. Otherwise it's real.

sylvia said...So when Agnes is at dinner listening to Winston talk to Lawrence, that's real?

Evil Editor said...I assume it's based on what actually came out of that meeting. Whether what they said was taken down I don't know. Churchill's bodyguard, who's a character in the book, wrote a memoir which Russell read.

sylvia said...Oh, I'm thrilled that the bodyguard is real. That's made my day :)

Dave F. said...I think the history is accurate but the meetings and Agnes may be just a device. This is a nice way to begin to understand the SWEEP of historical movements. Please don't take offense, but the Brits never did leave a colonial nation that didn't go bonkers and haywire.

Robin S. said...Of course Agnes and the meetings are a fictional device! She blended in pretty well, though. I have to admit, I don't normally read historical fiction, but Agnes's personality - I've seen it many times in older female relatives - the ones I liked.

Sylvia said...I read a biography that had an interesting device - when the verb was "said" it was a citation and when it was "says" it was paraphrased or remembered. I know it sounds silly but I was very comfortable with that because I knew where I stood. Clearly I have issues :)

Dave F. said...There's a new book out late last year on Churchill that is like the definitive source for quotes. I bought it as a gift and didn't give it away.

sylvia said...See Dave, if I had that book, then I'd take twice as long reading this one because I'd be looking up every word he said ;)

Dave F. said...The book is "Churchill by Himself: The Definitive Collection of Quotations" by Richard Langworth. The only famous quote from Chruchill I remember her writing about is "Blood, toil, tears and sweat" Which is one of the best political speeches of all time.

sylvia said...I liked the style. I like the character. My heart is bleeding for her because it's so clear her attraction to Karl is going to end up in heartbreak.

Dave F. said...Karl the cad, left out of the Circle of the powerful and sneaking in the back door via a dachshund.

Robin S. said...How many men have we all known like that? Ass. He wouldn't help her one time because he had a new suit on. And she said "I called for you, Karl". Don't get me started on the realism of that one.

sylvia said...To Karl's credit, he's clearly using her but at least he's talking to her as an adult. Bear in mind I'll probably change my mind when she gets back to the hotel - I'm not bothered about spoilers but I might still like him more than he deserves :)

BuffySquirrel said...Gah. I buy the book, read the book, remember to turn up for the chat, and my connection melts down....I love the idea that the book was inspired by that photo.

Evil Editor said...Buffy has the floor.

BuffySquirrel said...No, EE, I'm on the floor sobbing, because I've been looking forward to this all week and I can't fucking post or read the posts most of the time.
Ahem. Enough with the self-sorries.

sylvia said...Buffy, just write. EE can sort it out in the edit (and I'm interested in your view!)

BuffySquirrel said...I don't see the need to pick Agnes out as an observer; most people are observers. We, the readers, are observers. So I'm not sure it's a useful comment. I actually felt comfortable with the way the fictional narrative and the history meshed; that doesn't often happen for me.

Robin S. said...For me, I had to almost forget the history part being insinuated into the story - and just read as though I were reading pure fiction. Difficult, though, at times. "Please! Call me Winston." on page 114 threw me for a loop. Those kinds of things. My takeaway was, though, that the era of the strong woman who was gonna be able to use her strengths and not amend them for some Karl ass was on the rise. And I was happy about that.

sylvia said...LOL Yes!

Dave F. said...I know women who were raised by their mothers to stay with their mothers. I know real women who could be Agnes and her mother. And one is my age, so they aren't old (or elderly).

BuffySquirrel said...Oh, yeah, the Agnes and her mother situation is totally realistic.

sylvia said...I agree: Agnes and her Mumma had a totally believable relationship - made even better because we are learning it through Agnes as an unreliable narrator (in this particular case)

Robin S. said...I agree, Sylvia. I've read before that any time you see a first person narrator, you are by definition seeing an unreliable narrator. Even when they seem reliable. Because their filter is their filter.

sylvia said...That's a good example actually - do you remember the scene where they have to get off the train and Lawrence basically steps out and they stop shouting "cut their throats" and start shouting Lawrence's name? She prefaces it saying that there was a lot of controversy and she knows she is biased and all she can tell you is what she witnessed that day. That's the kind of scene that broke my suspension of disbelief. Is the author telling me 1) the specific event never happened but it could have 2) the event happened but the source is unreliable 3) the event happened and Agnes is simply being polite in her disclaimer

Evil Editor said...I'm surprised the lawyers didn't shaft Agnes out of her inheritances. It was cool that she didn't mind spending money once she had it. Many would not have been able to get away from their ingrained spendthriftness after living with Mumma.

BuffySquirrel said...Probably the lawyers were too busy shafting richer people....

Robin S. said...I remember women my mother's age who had no real grasp on recent world history, and didn't care that they didn't, absolutely swooning over Peter O'Toole's Lawrence, complete with gorgeous soundtrack. So when Lawrence was in the book, I kept hearing the soundtrack. Rather than being annoying, I found it to be very pleasurable. History on history.

Dave F. said...The Treaty of Versailles did lay the foundation for WW2.

Robin S. said...Of course the Treaty of Versailles helped lay the foundation for WWII. And the Brits doing a divvy job on the Middle East like they were playing a board game didn't help the current situation much, now did it?

BuffySquirrel said...Umm, the overthrow of Iraq's democratic government by the British and the Americans in the 1950s probably had MORE to do with the problems now.

Dave F. said...The British Mandate, Palestine and Transjordan are all real entities. This was the time when Europe created Iraq from Persian, Kurds, and Turks. When the Shia and Sunni got merged together and the places Like Saudi Arabia got set up because Europe thought it looked good.

sylvia said...I think that to an extent they had to do something and there was a limited number of options available. Assigning blame is kind of like trying to pull the snow off a snowball rolling down a mountain - it's layers. That said, I did like the "inner circle" view of the factions and the knowledge (and lack of it!) that went into very serious decision making.

BuffySquirrel said...What was also sad was seeing these desperate attempts to sort out the problems generated by the war, and the utter blindness of it all, and knowing what it would lead to. Very sad.

Robin S. said...P S - every time I mention the Brits screwing up the map, JB gets pissed. And I tell him when he stops making fun of my accent, i'll stop reminding him of the sad morass that is the backslop of his imperialist heritage.

BuffySquirrel said...So, no European in your heritage, Robin? :D I've just been reading about the hash the Dutch made of international relations while building up the spice trade. Yeuch.

Robin S. said...Hey. I love Britain. I'll probably be moving there within a year or two. And become a British citizen. What I said has nothing to do with being a Brit in general. It has to do with the previously accepted notion of imperialism.

BuffySquirrel said...Imperialism is a disease that can affect any society if the conditions are right. America's in its imperialist phase right now. And it's going...badly. You're very welcome to come here, Robin. But the weather really is as bad as we say.

Evil Editor said...Moving to Britain? They're still in the dark ages.

BuffySquirrel said...The dark ages, EE? Nah, we have electric light 'n' even DVD players!

Evil Editor said...I found her history of the influenza pandemic much more riveting than I'd expect to find in a straight history book. More than just stats, it has life.

Dave F. said...I forgot about placing the Influenza epidemic after WW1. EE's right about her relating the events. I hear echoes of it in the news today with the H1N1 flu...

BuffySquirrel said...I was a bit puzzled by the discord by the way the story started--all that about the Influenza and partying like it's 1918...hmm, doesn't scan...yet Agnes seemed to have a very quiet life until she went to Egypt. So I wonder when she was doing all that partying!

Evil Editor said...She wasn't partying, she's narrating from modern times, talking about the twenties in general.

BuffySquirrel said...That would explain it, EE. But it confused me at the time.

sylvia said...I did like the view of the influenza epidemic. In fact, I'm happy with the setting and find the concepts fascinating.

BuffySquirrel said...I really enjoyed the book. I didn't want to put it down. That's great for me, cos I've thrown two books at the wall recently! The book felt true to me. There she is with Winston Churchill, and she didn't even recognise him. That felt real. And the way he kept her standing in the sun while he was painting. SO believable!

Dave F. said...What do we think of the ending? I found it charming and thoughtful.

BuffySquirrel said...I liked the ending; I thought it fitted with the mood of the book. Although I was very sad Agnes lost her chance of a child of her own.

Dave F. said...TE Lawrence was idolized by the Arab populace. He really did accept them as a people capable of ruling themselves while most of Europe wanted financial advantage and political sway.

BuffySquirrel said...Lawrence was a much more complex character than the movie reveals, though. Or than is revealed by this book; but then this book isn't about him. He's just in it :D.

BuffySquirrel said...I loved the nuances in her relationship with Karl; how she knows the bodyguard is right about him, but she goes ahead anyway. She makes a choice to take what she can get.

Dave F. said...I had a bit of a nudge when I was young. My Mother was the only catholic working for United Jewish Appeal while I was growing up and because of that, I knew lots of history going back that far about Palestine. When Lawrence of Arabia came out, they (my Jewish friends) described how it fit into the history after WW1 and the early 20's. It was the Brits who ripped Israel out of their mandate of Palestine and gave refuge to the Jews after WW2. I hear Karl's statement of "you all got a homeland, now leave" (or whatever the exact words were) from the older men.

sylvia said...I've never seen Lawrence of Arabia but this book has made me think I should. :)

BuffySquirrel said...Oh, you should, Syl, it's a great film.

sylvia said...Internet connectivity is still not to be trusted though.

Robin S. said...See the film, Syl, if for no other reason than the combo plan of O'Toole's piercing blue eyes (my favoritest favorite color) and the music are swoon-worthy. And oh yeah, it's a good movie as well. Back to the novel - I think it was interesting that Agnes noticed and talked about Lawrence's withdrawal from the movie star status he'd acquired. When I read that, I thought, you go, honey. There's a man who doesn't have to pretend he has kahunas.

sylvia said...Karl's not even being a jerk yet (although he's clearly going to be) and I'm already going "chase after Lawrence, woman" at her :)

BuffySquirrel said...lol, Syl

Dave F. said...I met some of the HEROES of Israel. Yes, they did start out in rebellion to create Israel. But they were nice guys, too.

sylvia said...Yeah but that can be said of a lot of rebellious types / terrorists / scary single-minded people.

BuffySquirrel said...Anyone can be a nice guy, but that won't necessarily stop them shooting you in their nice cause. I once worked with someone who'd been a terrorist while the British were trying to keep the peace in Cyprus. (Hah!) He was a very nice guy. So what's your point?

Dave F. said...My point was exactly yours, Buffy. Maybe a bit more sarcastic on my side.
I didn't meet Gold Meir and Bibi Netanyahu, but my Mother did. Netanyahu's brother was the only death in the Entebbe raid.

Evil Editor said...I expected someone to complain there was too much travelogue description of Egypt. Agnes does apologize at one point for that.

BuffySquirrel said...I liked the descriptions because they read like Agnes' personal reaction to Egypt, not just rote-stuff lifted from a travel book or the internet. I struggle with that kinda thing so it's great to see it done well. Also, she skipped the mandatory sandstorm scene. Says she, who's been researching, yes, sandstorms....

sylvia said...Very true. I thought the apology was totally in character. And I didn't mind the descriptions and details of her travels at all! We joined her on this trip as a tourist, after all. I could imagine someone starting the book without context (or even reading the back cover) and complaining about all the politics, but not the travelogue.

Dave F. said...The travelogue drags a bit but then, who of us has ridden a camel?

sylvia said...I have! For about 10 minutes and it was every bit as uncomfortable as she described.

BuffySquirrel said...My sister rode a camel! Also got interrogated about the Middle Eastern stamps in her passport when flying to the US. This was the 1980s.

BuffySquirrel said...There were some asides in the narrative that I didn't like, because they reminded me that I was reading something contrived. Spoilt the suspension of disbelief. Fortunately, there weren't many of them. But they did feel out of place at times, as if some (evil) editor had insisted they be put there :D.

Robin S. said...Sorry. I haven't hit refresh for a minute. I was trying to find a passage about being Jewish that struck me. I've always thought religious hatred, anyone on anyone, was so unbelievably stupid and revolting. And I've seen a lot of it. Who cares if someone's Jewish? No need to answer- I get it. But it's such a creepy scapegoat way to live one's life. I'm gonna try to find the page...

BuffySquirrel said...Robin, it's where Agnes finds out Karl's Jewish and he's waiting for her to reject him. Funnily enough, I had a similar experience with an online friend who expected me to have a problem with her being a lesbian.

sylvia said...I remember that bit where she suddenly realised Karl was Jewish. I thought it was totally in keeping with the time and her upbringing. If she had immediately not cared I would have seen that as unrealistic.

Robin S. said...Yeah, Sylvia,I know what you mean about the times and religion. My mother's entire family boycotted her marriage to a Catholic in 1950. No one from her side of the family was allowed to attend 'the abomination'. Weird, huh? But not in Kentucky, in 1950. It was done all the time.

Dave F. said...There was a time when Israel refused admittance if you came to Jerusalem from Cairo or Jordan or Beirut. You had to do the reverse tour, go to Israel first.

Evil Editor said...Interesting that Jerusalem was a tourist trap in the twenties. I wonder if it's still like that. Pieces of the cross for sale. Get 'em here, cheap.

BuffySquirrel said...Jerusalem has its own syndrome. People go there and get All Religious and have to be calmed down.

sylvia said...I'm just reading the reader reviews on amazon - some very nasty comments there.

The book reads like a superficial travelogue and the parts dealing with real historical figures like T.E. Lawrence and Winston Churchill are unbelievably bad: Churchill is a caricature, an objectional imperialist buffoon, while T.E. Lawrence, though treated sympathetically, makes little or no impression on the reader. I feel that the whole point in the book for the author was the "sermon" at the end, where she tells the reader what he/she should think about the Middle East and War in general. Come on Mary Doria Russel! What has happened to you!

BuffySquirrel said...Lol, are they suggesting Churchill WASN'T objectionable?

Dave F. said...Amazon reviews can go completely off the main road and into the oddest corners. I've read some reviews of books and movies that I know very well and the most startling are of music (symphonies) I've heard being recorded. The reviewers get it so wrong.

Evil Editor said...Authors who write in different genres aren't always treated kindly by those who expect them to write the same thing every time. I don't suppose anyone else read The Sparrow?

Robin S. said...I haven't read any other novels by Russell, but I like her already, and will read more. She has my maiden name. (Hey- it may be silly reason, but it's my reason, so there you go.) I looked at her previous novels on Amazon when I ordered this one - and it did look like she was unusual, in that she didn't stay 'in type'.

Evil Editor said...Your Catholic heritage will make The Sparrow a winner, even though you don't normally read science fiction.

BuffySquirrel said...I haven't read The Sparrow, but I will, soon as the Nasty Letters From the Bank stop coming.

sylvia said...I haven't read the Sparrow but unless you say bad things about it, I'm adding it to my wishlist.

Dave F. said...I thought about buying "The Sparrow" but after I read the Author's interview, I decided not to. Part of the charm of this book was it's style and a different genre would ruin that.

Robin S. said...Yeah, Dave, but style or not, she writes well, so that I could see her writing well in another genre.

sylvia said...She is without question a good author - I think I'll like her other books more because I won't have the suspension of disbelief issues. Not that I have time to read them, I need to finish this and get started on the next chat book!

BuffySquirrel said...I just realised my brain conveniently edited out the very end of the book, with the afterlife bit, which I didn't like, and decided to end it earlier while it still liked it. Tricksy brain!

Evil Editor said...Is the book better if Agnes isn't a ghost? Possibly the early parts in Ohio wouldn't have been as interesting due to Agnes's sheltered life, as she could make them looking back.

Dave F. said...I think I would have been disappointed if Agnes hadn't continued the story past her death. It was the recollection of the past that made the book all the more fascinating.

BuffySquirrel said...I don't mind her being a ghost; I just thought the riverbank stuff was, well, a bit daft, and didn't really add anything to the story.

Robin S. said...I liked telling it as an afterlife person. And I have to tell you all, corny or not, I loved the river part in the end. The idea of spiritually inhabiting the river. Oh- and also loved the idea of her as a little old lady in the library - and her words of advice on page- oh crap- can't find it - on how to give children help, how to bring them along within themselves.

Dave F. said...Those were her children. Not of her blood, but of her mind. the little ones who learned better and went on to be better. What more would anyone want?

sylvia said...I've been noticing her talking about being dead, I've been trying to ignore it. (I'm not there yet but) couldn't she tell the story as efficiently from a position of very old age? I'd quite happily accept her living quietly until 105 and then telling her story. Obviously, if her death is critical to the plot, this would not work.

Evil Editor said...Even if she lived to 105, she wouldn't be able to refer to what's going on nowadays in the Middle east. BTW, not to spoil anything Syl, but she doesn't die as part of the plot. You seemed worried.

Blogger sylvia said...I expected spoilers - it's my fault for not getting finished in time. Although I did start to envision Rosie darting into Cairo traffic and Agnes getting hit by a taxi trying to save her.

Face-Lift 627

Guess the Plot

Dark Visions

1. Teenager Brenda Nockworth discovers a pair of shades on a shelf in the bus station bathroom and puts them on to complete her swank rebel look. She soon realizes they reveal the unseen -- dozens of ghosts and ghouls among the weary travelers.

2. Mariana's family are fortune-tellers by trade, but all she sees in the crystal ball are visions of disaster... And the latest one is about her own future! Also, a talking fruitbat.

3. John knew he shouldn't have bought those cursed sunglasses; now he can't get them off, and he has to fight off a zombie invasion while wearing shades that practically blind him. Good thing his geeky best friend Alvin is around to tell him what's going on... if only Alvin can stop being distracted by the hot zombie leader.

4. Tina has been cast in a new TV show about London vampires. Funny thing is, the male lead never comes out of his trailer unless he's on set. Tina's sure he's a real vampire. Can she confront him without getting bitten?

5. When Jasmine has a psychic vision of her rival Marissa dying at the hands of a serial killer, she's tempted to say nothing, but eventually she tells hunky police detective Eric. Now Jasmine's having visions that indicate she should have kept her mouth shut. Has she become the killer's next target?

6. When Ned founded the Dark Visions sunglasses company he didn't expect it to become popular with the dead-doesn't-mean-gone crowd, but if they're not after his blood, he's not going to complain about the extra publicity. Then he finds out what his sunglasses enable the living-impaired to see...


Original Version

Jasmine Winters is psychic. She knows it is not normal to be psychic, but Jasmine likes to pretend she is normal. So, she does life’s normal things: [We're plodding along here like a tortoise. That story where the tortoise beats the hare? Fiction.] enjoying her friends, like Mark; hating her enemies, [How many enemies does she have?] like Mark’s wife Marissa; and ignoring the visions as best she can. She also tries to do the right thing, though she doesn’t always succeed. [Vague.]

When Jasmine's psychic vision shows Marissa murdered by a headline-making serial killer, she wants to ignore the vision and be done with Marissa once and for all. [Nice. What, exactly, did Marissa do to deserve this?] But Jasmine’s conscience won’t let her, and she warns her nemesis. [When my enemy who wouldn't mind seeing me dead tells me she had a vision in which I was murdered, my first thought is that she's planning to kill me. And I'd better kill her first.] [The first two paragraphs can be condensed to: Jasmine Winters tries to be normal--enjoying her friends, hating her enemies, hiding her psychic abilities--but when she "sees" her nemesis Marissa murdered by a serial killer, her conscience won't let her keep quiet.]

With that done, Jasmine is ready to move on. But, in Dark Visions, my 97,000-word thriller, moving on isn’t so easy.

Mark urges Jasmine to discuss her vision with police investigating the serial murders. [Because he knows the cops are always eager to have input from psychics.] Unable to refuse Mark’s request and trying to do the right thing, Jasmine reluctantly meets with handsome police Det. Eric Mathers. While Jasmine likes the close proximity to Det. Mathers, she’s not enamored of her new visions of the serial killer. [Don't be coy. What does she see in her new visions?]

Things get complicated when Jasmine’s involvement in the case makes the news, putting her on the serial killer’s radar. For a psychic who saw [could see] her own future, this might be alright, but Jasmine isn’t that kind of psychic. [She's more like Kreskin. She can tell you what number you're thinking of, assuming she planted you in the audience and told you what number to think of.]
.
Not liking the idea of a serial killer lurking in the one future she is blind to, Jasmine dedicates herself to helping Det. Mathers find the killer.

[Jasmine: Detective, I've decided to dedicate myself to helping you find the serial killer.

Mathers: Great. For starters, there's someone I need you to interview. He lives in the Australian Outback.]

As Jasmine and Det. Mathers get closer, new, disturbing visions emerge, but not of the serial killer, of Det. Mathers [dressed in a leather thong and holding a whip].

As Jasmine’s visions of Det. Mathers and serial killer increase, she realizes the killer may be closer than she thought. Jasmine must put the pieces together and find the killer, before the killer finds her. [Everything in this paragraph was already implied.]

Dark Visions is my first novel. By training, I am a journalist and have worked as a night general assignment reporter for The Kansas City Star, where I covered crime and spot news. After leaving the newspaper, I worked mainly in trade media, editing several publications, including Campus Crime.

I’d love to send you the complete Dark Visions manuscript. Thank you for your consideration.


Notes

Whether Mark's the serial killer or a love interest or neither, he isn't doing anything important in the query.

As Jasmine tries to live like a normal person and ignore her visions, I assume it's not known to Mark and Marissa and the cops that Jasmine's visions always come to pass (if they do). So why would anyone believe her?

Which is more likely when a serial killer learns that the police are using the services of a psychic to track him down?

1. He immediately makes plans to kill the psychic.
2. He celebrates the obvious fact that the police don't have a clue to his identity by going on a new killing spree.

Cartoon 375

Caption: Wendy

Your caption on the next cartoon! Link in sidebar.

New Beginning 632

So this was the place at last. The forbidden road ended in a small stone-paved yard surrounded by brambles. Beyond the yard was a high wall overgrown with dead vines that covered everything but the door.

The night before I had dreamed of that door as a black gaping mouth through which my younger sister Arli passed laughing with her daughter Suli cradled—prisoned—in her arms. It opened into a windowless chamber hung with tapestries. A gold-mailed serpent with human eyes uncoiled itself from a carved seat against the wall and reared above Arli. She reached out to caress it while Suli cried unheeded. I shouted to warn Arli, I who had been like a mother to her, but she did not hear. I tried to run after her, but I could not move.

At last the dream passed into blackness. But again the blackness shaped itself into that doorway, and Arli stepped through it into flames. She smiled as though she felt only comforting warmth, though Suli screamed.

And I woke in the other side of Arli’s bed, with the aftertaste of her sleeping-draught sickly-sweet in my mouth, and Arli and Suli were truly gone.

And I drifted into the realm of Morpheus once more until, seeing Arli and Suli tied up in a camper van driven by a one-handed former Bosnian war criminal who steered with a steel hook, I sat bolt upright and exclaimed: "Accipere quam facere praestat injuriam!"

Ike Beckman hit "save" and leaned back in his chair, grinning. Awesome, he thought. My first try at literary fiction and it's shaping up to be a classic.


Opening: Joanna.....Continuation: Anon.

Cartoon 374

Caption: WO

Your caption on the next cartoon! Link in sidebar.

Face-Lift 626

Guess the Plot

The Lonesome Isle

1. Searching a small island for her dead mother, Elizabeth crosses into a parallel universe. Is her mother somewhere in this universe? Before she can begin looking she must first defeat a malicious creature bent on world domination.

2. Oahu decides to relocate a little closer to the big island and sets off nonstop tsunamis and underwater volcanos as it makes the move. Only submariner Sonya Turner can save the day, but her propeller's broken.

3. Timmy didn't believe the babysitter when she said one more prank and he was going to the orphanage. Now he regrets sticking tape loops to the cat. He wishes he brought a toothbrush and more underwear. He knows his penmanship spelling and grammar are so bad his bottled HELPME! notes might be unreadable and the current might take them all the wrong way, but what else can he do?

4. Blinka realized all her childhood nightmares about plumbing monsters were real, as the hand emerged from a mess of gunk burbling out the sink drain. Thank God for cutlery! But now -- what to do with the grisly parts? She'll be safe if the fog clears so Captain Wiggins can see the distress flag and sail to her rescue before the Thing comes back...

5. Gibraltar never gets any respect. Even his best friends, Japan and Madagascar barely acknowledge him. But when global bully Australia floats a plan to reform Pangaea, Gibraltar finds itself turning to outcasts like Greenland and Baffin Island in an effort to prevent continental assimilation.

6. The story of a sad little island, marooned in the middle of the ocean, who hatches an unlikely scheme to join a larger land mass. But even if he can teach the nearby pod of whales to sing at just the right frequency, will he really find happiness as a fjord?


Original Version

Dear Agent,

Elizabeth Milton accepted her mother’s death years ago. [Now if only it would hurry up and happen.] As a writer investigating her first feature length assignment, she is faced with the knowledge that not only is her mother alive, [Make the connection between the assignment and learning her mother's alive--if there is one. If there isn't, don't put both in the same sentence.] but she’s been held captive and now doesn’t want to leave this parallel universe [What parallel universe? Is that what Liz is investigating? How does Liz know what her mother wants if she's in another universe?] that’s so much like, yet so much unlike their home. [In my experience, if a place is vastly unlike my home, I don't even notice the ways it's like my home. For instance, when I think back on my trip to Jamaica, I remember the river rafting and the waterfall climbing and the paragliding, but barely recall getting robbed by a knife-wielding hoodlum.]

Elizabeth’s love of writing takes her to the small island, [What small island? You haven't mentioned an island.] [Again, what's the connection? Millions of people love writing, but that doesn't take them to small islands.] but it’s her compassion for others and her intense longing for the mother that she once knew that makes her cross the threshold into the parallel universe. [I don't see the connection between compassion for others and crossing into a parallel universe.] Once there she finds that the devilish creature Dominic and his plans of world domination are the captivating force that holds many prisoners. [I tend to think "mischievous" when someone is described as "devilish," so while there's nothing wrong with "devilish," if he's planning world domination, you might want to call him evil or demonic or satanic.]

In this paranormal, mysterious tale Elizabeth finds her mother, her true love, and herself as she battles Dominic to gain everyone’s freedom.

The Lonesome Isle is complete at 140,000 words.

I have done some ghostwriting of internet articles and have two poems published in anthologies. [Ditch the credits and consider shortening the book.]

Thank you for your time and consideration.


Notes

A twenty-something woman versus a creature set on world domination? That's like Hannah Montana taking on the Borg. Has Liz got anything going for her besides spunk?

The title sounds more like a children's book.

You must connect your ideas in a logical progression. Something like this:

While investigating the sudden appearance of an island off the coast of Uruguay, reporter Liz Milton discovers a map that leads her to a portal to a parallel universe. A hunky clerk at the ticket counter gives Liz a quick look at the portal's passenger manifest, which reveals that her supposedly dead mother "crossed over" six years ago.

Longing for a reunion with her mother, Liz bribes the clerk to provide her mother's email address: Lizsmom@gmail.unv. But in their initial correspondence, Liz learns that her mother, despite being held captive by the devilish creature Dominic, who has plans for world domination, doesn't want to come home. Has she been brainwashed? Only one way to find out. Liz books passage on the next portal trip.

Arriving in the parallel universe, not only does Liz quickly find her mother; she also falls in love with a young juice merchant named Rolf, and single-handedly battles Dominic. Liz emerges victorious; then she and Rolf move in with Mom, get married, and await the inevitable sequel.


Here, each sentence follows from the last, thus giving the feel of a coherent, cohesive story. Feel free to use my summary if its details are accurate.

Cartoon 373

Caption: Anon.

Your caption on the next cartoon! Link in sidebar.

Success Story

Bill Highsmith reports that a flash fiction piece inspired by Dialogue Scene 21 on this blog has been published by AbyssAndApex.com in the flash fiction section.

Bill also reports selling a humor/SF piece called "Discerning Women," to FlashFictionOnline.com in the current edition (April), and an SF story, "Qubit Slip" to an online anthology, Thoughtcrime Experiments (Thoughtcrime.crummy.com).

After three stories sold in April, Bill anticipates a lengthy lull.

New Beginning 631

Okay, I put this title in the query queue without reading it. (It came in an email titled " . . . working on a graphic novel want sound advice.") On the one hand, it could be an attempt to write a clever query in the POV of a character, but I'm pretty sure it's the opening. However, I'm posting some fake plots so those who submitted fakes won't feel their efforts were wasted.

Guess the Plot

Mermaid Country

1. Genetic manipulation has gone too far. Passenger Pigeons are darkening the skies over London, Mastodons are rampaging across Siberia, and Cretaceous Parks are growing up all across the U.S. Spencer Wildman isn't one to be left behind by a trend. His plan to engineer creatures from out of mythology should make history, but he'll need to convince the Minotaurs not to eat the Kraken if Mermaid Country is to become a success.

2. After Jerry saves the fish at the Orlando Aquarium from disaster, reporters hound him night and day, but unless he wants to be thrown in the loony bin, he can't reveal the true story of Layla, goddess of . . . Mermaid Country.

3. The brochures talked up the new island getaway, Atlantis, as a great place to relax and get in some swimming and surfing. But when Andrew and Lauren finally arrive, they discover that their parents have already been taken captive by the mermaid overseers of the place. Can two teenagers beat the fishy fiends and save their family and the other vacationers?

4. When small-town deputy Dan Hickett accepts his cousin's challenge to try a fisherman's life, he doesn't imagine he'll be swept overboard and forced to deal out justice and lay down the law to mermen and tritons--or lose his heart to a green-skinned beauty.

5. Charlie the Tuna thought he was a whale of a good guy, but when he gets swept out of his comfort zone by a rogue tsumani, he learnsd that he doesn't know fishsticks. It all happens when he lands flukes over fins in . . . Mermaid Country

6. Jefferson High School's football team has quite a mascot to live down--despite being 500 miles from the nearest ocean, their mascot is the Mermaids. But no matter how much the McCutcheon Maulers laugh, this here's . . . Mermaid Country.



Chalk it up to fate on the eve of the 1976 Bicentennial to be the night Jerry Ingram's life changed for the better

Unless you have been hiding in a cave for the past week, you must have seen the story in the local papers.

He saved the marine life at the Orlando aquarium from a most horrific fate,and unwittingly thwarted one of the most heinous plots in the Aquariums' History.

The reporter's were hot on his heels. The dogs hounded poor Jerry ,until he wearily agreed to tell his side of the story.

Of course he lied right through his pearly white teeth. It was an absolute necessity. He couldn't have very well told them the real story. It was a tad too bizarre. The truth usually is.

You couldn't blame the guy for stretching the truth a little.He was just reaping the just rewards of being a good person,The last thing in the world he wanted was for the citizens of earth to think he had lost all of his remaining marbles.The humans would lock Jerry in the loony bin and throw away the key.

This would be his fate if he told the earth people the real story or anything about me. I am of course the biggest reason for the cover up. I shudder at how the citizens of earth would react if they ever set their beady, little eyes on me.

My name is Layla, goddess of an underwater, deep sea demention, known as Piaska, by our native inhabitants or Mermaid country, by the few non - sea life creatures who know of our unique culture.

I ,Layla Empress of the deep, will serve as your tour guide through this thoroughly Rollicking tale.

Anyway, the guy in the room across from me is an editor, and I asked him how he’s crazy, because I like to know that sort of thing, and he just sobbed and said he couldn’t take it any more.

So I said editing couldn’t be that hard, you’re just reading books all the time and he said something about typos and commas and spelling and I was like, let me see, so he gives me this paper.

It’s about this goddess named Layla, which is me! But it doesn’t have the whole story and I said to the guy, "This is kind of fun, what’s wrong with it?" and he starts screaming and now I understand why they put padded walls in these places.


Opening: Kristy Hoard.....Continuation: _*Rachel*_

Cartoon 372

Caption: Anon.

Your caption on the next cartoon! Link in sidebar.

Book Scene 4

"Anyway," Evil Editor continued, "a couple months later I killed her by poisoning her prune danish. Luckily her husband took the fall and the company promoted me to top editor. And the rest is history."

The reporter looked stunned. "Uh, one more question, sir. What are your five favorite novels?"

"I assume you mean besides my own," EE replied. "Let's see, number 5: Bleak House, by Charles Dickens. The first murder mystery. Did you see the TV production, with Gillian Anderson? Some of the men had muttonchops out to here. That was a time when you judged a man by the manginess of his muttonchops.

"Then there's Crime and Punishment, by Dostoevsky. I didn't read it but I saw Crimes and Misdemeanors, by Woody Allen. It was pretty good, once I got over the fact that it wasn't funny.

"The Sun Also Rises. If Hemingway would have just shaved his chin like I kept telling him, you'd've seen some magnificent chops. Then maybe he wouldn't have had to kill himself.

"Number 2, To Kill a Mockingbird. Did you ever notice it was Finch they wanted to kill, not a mockingbird? Anyway, you can't go wrong with Gregory Peck.

"And number 1, by miles, The Auction-Winner's Novel, by Jane Doe. It's got everything: love, sex, redemption, humor, pathos, muttonchops and my four favorite scenes in literary history."

"Never heard of it," the reporter said.

Evil Editor stared at him. Finally he said, "Get out. GET OUT!! I agreed to this interview only because of your reputation as the major literary critic of our time. And now this? What hole did you just crawl out of? Never heard of The Auction-Winner's Novel? Good Lord, where are my smelling salts? Are you still here? GET OUT!!"

--Evil Editor

Book Scene 3

There they sat, three feet away from each other, texting each other. EE peered over their shoulders, trying to read.

LOL ROFL! LOL LOL LOL!

That settled it, then. EE hefted the book, an autographed copy of _Milton’s Guide to Garden Slugs_, and smashed Stacey’s head before she could finish another ROFL. Ezra didn’t even notice, not until he received a hefty dose of concussion as well. It was a bit late by then.

“What are you doing, EE?”

EE spun around, book in hand, then sighed. “Justice, Officer Cobb, only justice.”

Officer Cobb noted the two unconscious teens and scratched his chin. “True, but how am I going to explain this to the department when I get around to reporting it? Justice doesn’t cut it. Poetic, justice, maybe, but I don’t see any poems, either.”

EE smirked. “The dedication reads: Roses are red, Violets are blue, Dearest EE, this book’s to you.”

The officer’s eyebrows danced. “You’ve got a book on garden slugs… dedicated to you?”

EE snorted. “Of course not. I didn’t want to get the real cover bloody, even though it is the perfect weight for swinging.” He eased off the false cover to reveal _____, ____’s newest book, then paused. “I hear texting. Bad texting.”

“Isn’t it all? But maybe you could—” He stopped and sighed; EE was already gone, out the window like so much smoke.

Officer Cobb looked again at Stacey and Ezra and left them where they were; they’d be fine in the morning, though they’d have killer headaches. Gathering their cell phones, he left the room. “Honey,” he called.

“Yes?”

“I think it’s time to reduce our kids’ texting plan.”

--_*Rachel*_

Book Scene 2

The smell of lavender announced her arrival. My nose expected a dowager in veils of charcoal gray but my eyes saw an angel in a dark-red silk suit cut on the bias. I swear her legs went up to heaven they were so long and her face, an alabaster Helen to bedevil my Paris.

"We need to talk Mister Editor."

"I'm not in a talking mood." He pushed a remote and the wail of a saxophone oozed from an IPOD.

"Then listen while I talk."

"Fair enough. Is it about a book? Don't say no. It's always about a book," he said as he poured two shots of scotch and pushed one towards the lady. She sat down in the chair and lifted the glass. We toasted. The dame drank the shot like a man. She crossed her legs and I choked like a twelve-year-old boy sneaking booze from his Daddy's hipflask.

"My husband is cheating with another editor. I need you to find out with whom." Her green eyes flashed desperation in the Morse code of my heart.

"You're woman enough for ten men. What sort of fool would cheat on a wife like you?

"A writer in search of a new editor. You know the mugs that edit for moola, finding the cheater should be easy. It's a mystery, a grim, gritty story about love and loss in the literary world. A slice of life and death in a small, midwestern town."

"Mystery you say. Does it have zombies? Car chases? Aliens falling from the skies? Explosions? Teen love? Illicit sex? Cheap bars and streetwalkers?"

"All that and me if you recover my book. I'll let you edit my pages." She leaned forward and licked her luscious, red lips.

What could I say? How could I refuse?

--Dave F.

Book Scene 1

Johnny hated books. Which is normal for most children… but Johnny was an editor. Most of the time, when some hopeful writer sent him a manuscript, he would commence in his usual ritual of slowly tearing each page into tiny squares and dumping the confetti onto his receptionist. So it would come as no surprise that when, six months ago, a hefty—600 page—manuscript was submitted to him, he deftly proceeded to decorate the office with paper snow.

One morning Sam burst into his office. Johnny sat up angrily in his chair. He had been napping quite contently, dreaming of a serene beach thousands of miles from the nearest book. To his surprise, Sam was just as angry. He pulled a thick tome from his satchel and dropped onto Johnny’s desk. The book thundered as it struck the oak table.

“What’s the big idea, Sam?” Johnny asked, a little worried.

“What’s the big idea? What’s the big idea! Do you recognize the title of that book?”

Johnny lazily leaned over and looked down at his desk. The book’s dust jacket was a gaudy orange. Across the front, in bold, black letters it said, “The Taps of Death.”

“So, it’s an ugly book.”

“No,” answered Sam, his face growing redder. “It’s not an ‘ugly’ book. It’s a book you rejected six months ago.”

“Really? Hmm.” Johnny seemed to recall the manuscript. He remembered it took him three hours to properly shred each page.

“That’s all you have to say for yourself?” Sam bellowed. He grabbed the book and slammed it down on the desk again, even harder.

“So what, it got published. Big deal!”

“Big deal? Big deal! That book is selling better than any novel I’ve ever seen. It’s been in print, for 5 MINUTES, and it’s already sold a million copies!”

“That’s impossible,” protested Johnny.

“Not with the internet! Listen pal, you better get your act together. If we ever miss out on a book like this again, you’re out on you’re ass!”

“But it’s called ‘The Taps of Death,’ it must be terrible.”

“Of course its terrible,” replied Sam. “I read it already. It’s the worst book ever written—but its selling, and that’s all that matters!”

Johnny rubbed his chin. He didn’t think of that.

Sam continued, “I better see a recommendation on my desk by lunch, Johnny, by lunch!” He stormed out of the office before Johnny could reply.

Poor Johnny straightened up in his chair. Twenty years in the business, he never had to read a book. He reached over to the dusty inbox and retrieved a thick manuscript.

“Well, there’s a first for everything.”

--Adam Casalino

Saturday Film Series

Sometimes the films are so hot they set off the sprinkler system, so don't be alarmed if it's a little damp in Evil Editor's Shorts.

Face-Lift 625

Guess the Plot

The Magic

1. When 13-year-old Spenser meets magician Morgan Miracle, he wonders if this guy can help him finally get rid of his imaginary friend. Also, two skeletons and a ghost.

2. Science geek Connie has not only figured out the secret to popularity - she's bottled it and is selling it for 40 bucks a pop. But what will happen when the entire student body is dosed up on ... The Magic?

3. Stage magicians Royal and Donat have been rivals since they were boys struggling with the five-ring trick. When they are swept into a world where magic is real, and recruited into opposing armies, will they cooperate to find their way home, or joyfully pitch enchanted fireballs at each other?

4. A loose zoo monkey bites surly waitress Robbi Newport on the ankle, and on Friday she calls in feeling like death with the flu. Monday morning she gets to work on time, but Bob the chef panics when she swoops in like a bat, rearranges the architecture, and starts gobbling raw steak.

5. Mad Felix, the terrible red-eyed ghost of Cousin Sally's cat, levitates his Datsun toward a midnight duel with Uthgar, Son of the Horde. Was he upset by something Sally said? Or is his temper adversely affected by the miniature nuclear reactor Cousin Dave left in the trunk?

6. As the mystery of the Baskerville cat deepens, body parts are found, storm clouds threaten, detectives are summoned, and little Jim-Bob Jenkins goes missing. But nothing can stop Roland Reinhart from cuddling up with the one he loves. Unless, perhaps, it's that man-eating Bengal tiger prowling the 'hood.


Original Version

Dear Editor:

The first rule of magic is never, ever tell how a trick is done. After all, you don’t want to spoil the illusion. [Interestingly, that's also the first rule of hot dog manufacture and editing.] In the Buckler house, the same applied to family secrets. But sometimes rules, like promises, need to be broken. And you do want to know what happened, don’t you? How the bones got into the lake and how they got out again? Where the money came from? How Spenser Buckler discovered who his father was?

With these words, Eddie, the imaginary friend of thirteen-year old Spenser Buckler, introduces us to the Buckler family, [If the first paragraph is the start of the book, making it the hook of the query kind of dilutes its effectiveness for the editor. Especially as you may be enclosing the first x pages with the query. Plus, I wasn't sure I wasn't reading a query for a nonfiction book the way it began.] the leading political and economic dynasty in the town of Quarry, Ohio. Spenser, who suffers from epilepsy, may be the heir to a fortune, but his life is a mess. His grandfather Hiram, a state senator, disappeared shortly after Spenser’s birth, his mother abandoned him to his grandmother’s care in order to pursue an academic career and no one knows who his father is. Hounded by the town bully Arnie and desperate to get rid of Eddie, who refuses to go away, Spenser spends the summer before he turns fourteen trying to uncover the family secrets.

Defying his grandmother, Spenser visits the local magic shop and meets Morgan Miracle, a retired vaudeville magician, who becomes his mentor and his friend. When his mother arrives for a visit and is forced to remain in town, Spenser hopes she will reveal the identity of his father. Through the discovery of two skeletons in the lake behind the Buckler property, Spenser learns the identity of his father. [Are they talking skeletons? How do they reveal anything?] He also finds out that he had a twin sister, Edwina, the ghost of whom is the true identity of the imaginary friend he is so eager to shed. [This paragraph is just a list of some things that happen. Choose the most important one(s) and elaborate. Leave the others out of the query.]

The Magic is an 85,000 word YA novel that explores the importance of family and the cost of keeping secrets while offering information about famous American magicians of the 20th Century

[Spenser: Oh my God! How did these skeletons get here?

Skeleton 1: Your father was the gardener at the Buckner estate.

Skeleton 2: Did you know that magician Doug Henning (1947 - 2000) was born in Manitoba and grew up in Ontario? He performed his first show at the age of 14 at the birthday party of a friend.]

and teaching about epilepsy. It is complete and has two sequels. [One of them, The Dummy, is the gut-wrenching story of Morgan Miracle's losing struggle with pancreatic cancer, into which I've sprinkled anecdotes about great 20th-century ventriloquists; the other, Balls and Clubs, involves Edwina, Parkinson's Disease, and famous jugglers.]

I am a teacher and a published author whose stories have appeared in Alfred Hitchcock Mystery Magazine, 42opus, Tertulia Magazine, and The Oyez Review, among others. I have been awarded a Fiction Fellowship from the Midwest Writers Conference and the Leo Love Fiction Award from the Taos Writers Conference.

I hope you will consider representing The Magic and would be happy to send a first fifty. [I'm not happily sending you fifty until we've signed a contract. And I recommend you set your sights a little higher than fifty, even if it is your first novel.]


Notes

There's a guy with a magic shop, and a ghost. Is there actual magic?

I wouldn't start out with the first rule of magic if you aren't going to talk about magic. Yes, you mention Morgan Miracle's magic shop, but you drop it immediately, so I can see no reason it's in the query.

I would start out: Thirteen-year-old Spenser Buckler, who suffers from epilepsy, may be the heir to a fortune, but his life is a mess. That gives you more room to explore the plot.

Telling us there's a magic shop and a character with epilepsy is enough to convince us we might learn something. Telling us you've worked in information about 20th-century magicians and epilepsy serves only to make me worry you've interrupted the narrative flow of the story. (See the Write Like Cassie Edwards exercise, February 24, 2008 on this blog for exaggerated examples.)

A 13-year-old main character with an "imaginary" friend may be better suited to middle grade than YA, although this may be longer than most middle grade books. Maybe you should focus on the Morgan Miracle/Spenser relationship (I'm assuming Morgan is a major player).

Mostly what this needs is plot. You quote the opening of the book, give us some setup, and then list some events. I want to see a logical progression of events.

Cartoon 371

Caption: Anon.

Your caption on the next cartoon! Link in sidebar.

Q & A 170

I use Comic Sans Serif as my font of choice whenever the option is available (blog, e-mail, discussion forums, etc.). A friend just sent me a copy of a WALL STREET JOURNAL piece about the movement to ban it. I know it would not be appropriate for a manuscript submission, but how about a query letter? And if not, why not? I find it more legible than most fonts myself, as well as clean and elegant. Could you give us your views on "right" and "wrong" fonts for submissions?

It's called comic sans because it's modeled after fonts used in comic books. Also because Evil Editor frequently uses it in cartoon captions. You may argue that the style is used in comics because it's elegant, but more likely it's because kids read comics and younger kids may not be used to serifs. On the other hand, older kids wouldn't be thrilled with this font:


So it's a compromise. (I seem to have lost all my blocks with R's.)

I don't care what font is used as long as it's not annoying to look at, but some editors are anal a-holes, and not all of them admit it until they get your query. Then they burn it and pour themselves a stiff drink to help them make it to lunchtime when they can gripe to their fellow editors about your faux pas: "Can you believe it? I got another query today printed in Galliard BT instead of Bookman Old Style. Why do these clueless people waste my time?"

It's generally accepted that serifs are easier on the eyes, which is why you always find them in longer works. Also, Comic Sans is considered informal, casual, and thus probably not a good idea for a business letter. Plus, go back to the top of the post and compare your question, in Comic Sans, with my answer in Georgia. Then compare it with my answer in South Carolina. Ba dum ching. Seriously, I actually had to have a handwriting expert come in to interpret your question because I thought it was written in Canadian.

In any case, the fact that you love Comic Sans should mean you wish correspondence you receive to be in that font, not correspondence you send. What you send should be in a font the recipient likes. Which is why I ask that you submit future questions in

Anniversary Celebration

Three years already? It feels like only 36 months ago we started.

Link below to a special blogEEversary something or other. And don't leave without watching the film.

http://blogeeversary3.blogspot.com/

Cartoon 370

Caption: Anon.

Your caption on the next cartoon! Link in sidebar.

Face-Lift 624

Guess the Plot

Leonard the Great

1. Leonard doesn't have any problems with being run-of-the-mill. Unfortunately, his father is Phil the Fabulous and his younger brother is Richard the Very Awesome. Is there something incredible in his genes?

2. I am tasked with telling the story of an amazing man, one who led Subiru through its greatest triumphs and darkest hours. From the horror of the great Muskrat Swarm to our victory over Hoondai, he was our King. But no one must ever learn about the goats.

3. Leonard Albacore's mission: get his master, Sir Ronald the Mediocre, a seat at the Round Table. But when Sir Ronald gets arrested for attempted bravery without a license, will Leonard have what it takes to spring him from the royal dungeon?

4. Leonard got called a lot of names growing up: Leonard the Fat, Leonard the Smelly, Leonard the Plain. Later, he became Leonard the Bald, Leonard the Flabby, and even Leonard the Limp. But now, with an unexpected inheritance and a bottle of Rogaine, a vial of Viagra, and a gutful of Hydroxycut, he can finally be . . . Leonard the Great.

5. In the twenty-third century, popes are chosen from among the crowds gathered to celebrate the winter solstice in St. Peter's Oblong. Leonard Jones, stumbling his way from one great Italian restaurant to another, pops in for a drink at the Vatican's La Trattoria PietroPaulo and finds himself anointed before he can finish his beer.

6. Leonard is just another downtrodden cubicle-jockey, until the CEO has a breakdown and declares martial law throughout the building. Suddenly Leonard's detailed knowledge of places to hide and sneak a smoke is vital to the survival--and eventual triumph--of the entire staff.


Original Version

Dear Editor,

Leonard the Great is a middle-grade fantasy novel (77,000 words) set in the days of King Arthur. It's the story of Leonard Albacore, [Already this is sounding like a fish story.] a young page who dreams of getting Sir Ronald the Mediocre, his kind but incompetent master, a seat at the Round Table. [Ah, I was wrong. It's a fish-out-of-water story.] After a chance encounter with a suicidal dragon, he cooks up a plan that will get both of them what they want -- death for the dragon and a sure-fire invite to Camelot for Sir Ronald.

But the plan backfires horribly when the [tuna cartel get wind of the plan and suggest that the] snooty Knights of the Round Table show up and arrest Sir Ronald for "attempted bravery [and fishing] without a license", dragging him off to Camelot's dungeons. Wracked with guilt, Leonard vows to do whatever it takes to free his master even if it means having to outwit dangerous monsters, doing battle with an ancient evil that has taken over Camelot, or going on a dangerous quest with a girl that takes his breath away every time he looks at her.

Full of rough and tumble action, this boy-centric novel is also rich with irreverent asides and unique characters.

I would be happy to send a sample chapter at your request.

Sincerely,


Notes

This sounds good as it is. It does open the door to a question, namely how is going on a dangerous quest with a girl and outwitting dangerous monsters connected to getting Ronald out of the dungeon? Did the knights give Leonard these tasks, like the Wizard of Oz tasking Dorothy with getting the witch's broomstick? I would suggest dumping the monsters and quest and focusing on the ancient evil:

Wracked with guilt, Leonard vows to do whatever it takes to free his master. But now an ancient evil has settled over Camelot, causing A, and unless Leonard can B, C will happen. Presumably you know your ABCs. Better to give us one super-adversary than to make it sound like a series of unrelated events. (This might be true of the book as well as the query, but I assume the connection is made in the book.)

How hard can it be for a suicidal dragon to die? If plummeting from 20,000 feet won't do it, walking into Camelot breathing fire should get the job done.

Cartoon 369

Caption: Roger Eschbacher

Your caption on the next cartoon! Link in sidebar.

New Beginning 630 (Excerpt)

Joe hung back and rode behind the wagons. It smarts bein’ traded for a horse. Jus ‘bout any way a body look at it, it’s belittlin’. Young pup Kincaid goes and gets his horse kilt, then wants old Joe as payment. A slave see a sight of twisted things in the world, but this beat all. An’ Kincaid puts on like he done the right thing, like a nigger ought to be happy and beholden. “But I ain’t no nigger,” Joe swore to himself. Decent folk jus don’t uproot a person like that. Black or white. Fifteen years workin’ for Lerocque, even though he be the masser, means somethin’. Goin’ through good times and bad, sharing cold camps, short rations, and danger; binds people together. Even masser and slave. Lerocque weren’t so bad. He only gave a taste of the lash oncst, and then he didn’t lay it on hard.

No, sir, ain't nothin' worse 'n' bein' traded fer a horse.

Joe mumbled to himself for the next hour, till the group fetched up at ranch. He followed Kincaid and the others as they wandered over to a paddock where a huge horse was kicking up a storm.

"Holy smoke," Garrigan said, pushing back the brim of his hat. "That's one wild stallion. Jeez, look at the size of his--"

"That's the truth," Kincaid said. He leaned on the fence. "Reckon he's frustrated. A meeting with my mare woulda calmed him down enough so's he'd take a saddle."

"Mebbe so, Kincaid, but what you gonna do now yer horse been kilt?"

Kincaid thought for a while, then turned toward Joe.


Opening: Wes.....Continuation: Anon.

Cartoon 368

Caption: Anon.

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Diabetes Auction

As I'm not thrilled with the continuations I've received for the remaining openings, and have received no more than two fake plots for any of the queries waiting, I'll use this space to mention that The Brenda Novak Auction begins May 1. I've offered six items, one of which has been declared a 1-day auction, and the others of which will run throughout the month of May. There are numerous opportunities to get your manuscript in front of specific agents or editors, to meet authors, to buy vacations, jewelry, autographed books, and lots more. All for a good cause. You can view all the stuff up for auction by clicking here and then on the categories on the left of the page.
The EE items:

	Item	Title	Type	Bid	Ends
FEATURED LISTINGS (sorted and displayed first)
	1306200	FOUR Consecutive Chapters of your Book Edited by EVIL EDITOR [preview] (1-day auction. 5/29)		$ 2.00	39 days 05 hrs
	1294602	Your Book Featured in Evil Editor's August Book Chat [preview]		$ 2.00	41 days 05 hrs
	1294591	Your book (up to 100,000 words) edited by Evil Editor [preview]		$ 2.00	41 days 05 hrs
	1294600	An Amusing Book Trailer (created by none other than Evil Editor) for Your Book! [preview]		$ 2.00	41 days 05 hrs
REGULAR LISTINGS (sorted and displayed after any featured listings) Hide Thumbnail Images
	1306198	Complete EVIL EDITOR Library PLUS CD, All Autographed [preview]		$ 2.00	41 days 07 hrs
	1306199	YOUR BOOK Featured in an EVIL EDITOR FILM [preview]		$ 2.00	41 days 07 hrs