Lawyer 6

Harcourt Z. Penrose, Esq., at your service. I understand you wish to retain an attorney?

Yes. Err...What's the Z stand for?

Charles.

Charles?

The Z is silent. So, what type of legal services do you foresee yourself needing? I'm well-versed in copyright law, contracts, plagiarism, etc.

Nah, none of that shit. For starters, there's the death threats.

Death threats? Sir, if your life's being threatened, that's a police matter.

No, idiot. I wanna make some death threats. To my imbecile authors. I need you to make sure I don't cross the line.

I . . . see.

Also, I need guidance in how far I can go in a form rejection slip without being charged with libel.

I'm not sure I'm--

Oh, and I was wondering, if I should happen to throw out my back carrying boxes of slush down to the incinerator, do I sue my employer? Or the authors who sent the slush?

I suppose that would depend on--

One more question. If you had a client who told you, hypothetically of course, that he murdered John Grisham and stashed the body in a closet--that closet over there, for instance--you'd have to keep your mouth shut, right?

Not--

Do you know lots of Latin legal phrases? Like habeas corpus and nolo contendere? I need a lawyer who sounds smart.

Sir, is that blood seeping under the closet door?

--Evil Editor