"OK. Starting with the basics - standard business expenses, office rental, utilities, all that - looks mostly fine; stationery's a bit high -"
"Remember what sort of business I'm in?"
"Fair point. But there are some entries after that... well, there may be a problem."
"Well, to take this first one... thermite paste?"
"Legitimate expense. For destroying manuscripts."
"I don't think they'll buy that. Everyone knows you use your laser vision to destroy manuscripts."
"Yeah, everyone knows. Including the goddamn authors. They've started sending submissions on heat-resistant, reflective paper. Got a chick-lit thing the other day - I tried to light it up, and the backblast damn near took my muttonchops off. Now they're doing that, I need industrial grade incendiaries to keep up with them."
"OK. I take it that explains the unusually high expenditure on hair care products."
"Got to take care of the muttonchops, man. They're the best way to get chicks - err, I mean, to maintain my standing in the editorial community."
".... Right. Moving on - seventy-eight thousand dollars on anti-nausea medication?"
"Do I have to show you the slushpile again?"
"No! No, that's - that's fine. Um... the next one. Hire of forklift truck?"
"I got a lot of fantasy trilogies last year."
"One of them ran to eighteen volumes. None less than 200,000 words."
"OK. Now, this next one... I'm sorry, but there could be a problem here."
"Which item's that?"
"Hire of three Angelina Jolie impersonators? There's no way that's deductible as an entertainment expense -"
"Not entertainment. Research."
"Oh, yeah. I learned a lot."
".... I'm not sure I want to know."
"Those girls could do things with a blue pencil you wouldn't believe."
"Tell me you're joking. Please tell me you're joking."