Sunday, April 11, 2010

Charity Date Auction 2

"The next item up for auction," the hostess said, "is the world's most famous editor, the world's only Nobel Prize-winning blogger, and the world's most renowned bedroom slipper model. The one and only Evil Editor!"

EE strode down the runway to the kind of applause normally enjoyed by rock stars, male strippers and superstar athletes.

"Due to what he described as catastrophic dates the last two years," the hostess announced, "EE has attached a few restrictions to his participation in this year's auction, which I'll read before the bidding begins. The date shall last a total of ten minutes. Evil Editor and the winner will at all times be separated by a sheet of bulletproof glass, and will converse by telephone, as if EE were visiting you in prison. A list of acceptable topics of conversation will be provided at the beginning of the date. To protect EE's identity, his voice will be electronically altered, and he will be made up to look like a guy named Jim Wells, who lives in New York City, but it will actually be EE, even if he accidentally answers to the name Jim."

"Enough talk! Let's get on with it!" someone screamed. "One million dollars!"

Everyone turned to see who had spoken--everyone except the woman who yelled, "Two million!"

"Three!"

A frenzy of bidding erupted until someone shouted, "The Microsoft Corporation!" It was Bill Gates. "Birthday gift for my wife," he explained.

Everyone assumed that would end the bidding, until another man yelled, "The nation of Canada!" It was Stephen Harper, Prime Minister. "I'm bidding on EE for my mistress," he said.

"Are you allowed to spend Canada?" EE asked him.

Harper replied that he was.

"Going once," the auctioneer said. "Going--"

"The Sagittarius Dwarf Irregular Galaxy."

All eyes turned to the sound, and all bidders were surprised to discover that they hadn't previously noticed the presence of the Borg collective. An argument ensued, with several bidders pointing out that the foundation would have to travel 3.4 million light years to take possession of the galaxy, and the Borg pointing out, How would you like to be assimilated, wiseass?

It was ultimately decided that the matter will be brought before Judge Judy at a date to be determined.

--Evil Editor

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