Pasted below is scene for your consideration. Feedback, please. I've had praise out the yazoo.
Siri leaned back in her chair, expression triumphant.
Ivo offered me his arm. "I'm afraid you'll have to put up with me, Fräulein Stader."
In front of the orchestra, couples spun to the music, shoes squeaking on the polished floor. The photographer pressed a fresh bulb into his reflector and motioned for us to begin.
Ivo took my hand in his and encircled my waist in his arm. I fought down a sob. This would be the last time we touched. He glided me to the center of the floor, and the photographer raised his camera. The flash exploded as bright as lightning.
"I'm sorry about tonight," Ivo said. "Siri insisted we come."
She hadn't told him, then. I nodded. I was afraid I couldn't speak without crying.
He seemed to sense my distress.
"Don't be upset."
"This is impossible."
He squeezed my hand. "You know I love you."
The photographer readied his camera, and I forced myself to smile. I couldn't tell Ivo about Siri, but I could end it here. "I can't see you anymore. Please try to understand."
He jerked his head back as if I'd slapped him. I couldn't let the photographer capture his expression. I bent my knee, causing Ivo to turn to support my weight. When the flash went off, his back was to the camera.
"Edalina, please."
The photographer walked over. "How about one more?"
Siri strode to Ivo's side. "Why not?" She slipped her arm around his. The jasmine scent in her perfume was overpowering. "With me, this time." She smiled at me and waved. "Au revoir, Mademoiselle Stader. Au revoir."
--David Greer
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8 comments:
You can hear the shoes squeaking over the orchestra?
Personally, and in my own, very humble, opinion-I am not a fan of people "seeming" to do something. Either he senses her distress or he doesn't. Knowing that someone is unhappy isn't a superpower.
Other than that, this is a pretty intriguing piece of writing. Thanks for sharing.
There is obviously a lot going on here but I didn't manage to work out exactly what.
I liked the bit of business with the camera and avoiding the wrong sort of photo.
That's a breakup alright.
I do have suggestions but that's all they are.
I had trouble sorting out Siri from Emalina. That won't happen in the story but it prompts me to say this. I guess that Siri engineered the breakup and is watching her plan come to fruition. Why don't you move
In front of the orchestra, couples spun to the music, shoes squeaking on the polished floor.
up to the first sentence: "Siri leaned back in her chair, triumphant at her success. In front of the orchestra..."
I think it sets the scene better.
As I listen to people, I think that Ivo is smiling as he offers Siri his arm because they are on display for the photographer. BTW That's a second benefit moving the dancing sentence up to the first paragraph. The couple who are to break up, are performing for the camera. They want to act happy and sexy and cute and all that. This is a pose. This is for posterity. This is a fake.
He seemed to sense my distress.
I share LSimon's dislike of "seem." I think you need to describe his reaction. Concern flashed in his eyes. Or maybe His back stiffened.
The next suggestion I have is with the paragraph after she tells him she can't see him anymore.
He jerked his head back as if I'd slapped him.
Why not the simpler - His head jerked as if I slapped him. Much more direct and to the point. Slaps are fast not slow, direct not indirect. And with that same thought in mind, I would flip the clauses in the last sentence of that paragraph: His back was to the camera when the flash went off.
That keeps their sudden turn and the camera in a logical order of things.
And my ever present pet peeve of "was."
her perfume was overpowering
I would have written:
her perfume overpowered me.
Thank you, reviewers, for your invaluable comments. Stage directions would have resolved some of the issues you raised, but I was concerned EE might calculate them in the word count and red card me.
LSimon you are so right when you say we don't need superpowers to intuit emotions in others. (Sound of yours truly slapping forehead.) Why do I consistently fall back on lazy writing? Thanks also for the compliment.
DaveF, you are spot on: Siri arranged this public humiliation and will torment Edalina throughout the novel. As you suggested, I rewrote Ivo's reaction and switched the clauses around (and ditched the comma!).
Your "pet peeve" was an epiphany to me: Siri's jasmine scent is a leitmotif; just as Siri overpowered Edalina in this scene, she will in scenes hereafter (until, of course, Edalina gets the upper hand). Changing the adjective into a verb gave me a great metaphor.
Thank you EE for your blog, and thank you reviewers, one and all! See the revised version below . . .
Siri leaned back in her chair, expression triumphant.
Ivo offered me his arm. "I'm afraid you'll have to put up with me, Fräulein Stader."
In front of the orchestra, couples spun to the music, shoes squeaking on the polished floor. The photographer pressed a fresh bulb into his reflector and motioned for us to begin.
Ivo took my hand in his and encircled my waist in his arm. I fought down a sob. This would be the last time we touched. He glided me to the center of the floor, and the photographer raised his camera. The flash exploded as bright as lightning.
"I'm sorry about tonight," Ivo said. "Siri insisted we come."
She hadn't told him, then. I nodded. I couldn't speak without crying.
He gave me a wistful smile.
"Don't be upset."
"This is impossible."
He squeezed my hand. "You know I love you."
The photographer readied his camera. I forced myself to smile. I couldn't tell Ivo about Siri, but I could end it here. "I can't see you anymore. Please try to understand."
His head jerked back as if I'd slapped him. I couldn't let the photographer capture his expression. I bent my knee, causing Ivo to turn to support my weight. His back was to the camera when the flash went off.
"Edalina, please."
The photographer walked over. "How about one more?"
Siri strode to Ivo's side. "Why not?" She slipped her arm around his. The jasmine scent in her perfume overpowered me. "With me, this time." She smiled at me and waved. "Au revoir, Mademoiselle Stader. Au revoir."
What's a yazoo, and is praise still good if it comes out of one?
The camera bit is good, but being without the context on this one confused me.
Dear David Gr,
Telling, not enough showing for me. It does read like stage directions, in the past tense, to me.
The photographer walked over.(entered stage left)
"How about one more?"
The man with the camera crouched low as he called out a loud "Hold it!" (Photogs don't usually ask in my experience.)
Siri strode to Ivo's side.(entered stage left)
"Why not?" (Slipped her arm around his. Both moved to mark at center stage)
Siri, never one to miss a photo she didn't have pay for, put herself at Ivo's left. (Do women stride? I thought it was a man thing, striding. Women click their way smartly with resolve or authority or something on sharpened high heels.)
The jasmine scent in her perfume overpowered me. (FX blast jasmine fragrance into audience)
Her scent (du jour) was like her, overpowering and overpriced.
For what it's worth, the characters are flat, to me, behaving as I would predict. Like the tango segment in True Lies. I knew what was coming. Cliches and old standards are jumping around like a big band saxaphone section.
Sincerely, I don't want to sound mean or harsh. I believe you can make me want to read on,
Best,
Bibi
I agree with pretty much everything- Interesting stuff, but I was confused. One woman has engineered a break-up for the other, but I don't quite see it coming, or get what the guy's role is in this.
Thanks again for taking the time to read my post and comment.
Rachel, praise is good wherever its source, but especially if it comes out the yazoo.
Anonymous, your insights didn't sound mean or harsh, but helpful. I'll take another look, but hey, the "heels clicking" aural image went straight into the album. Manna from Heaven! Thank you!
Rachel and Mother(Re), if the novel ever hits the printers, I hope the context is more apparent than I was able to present it here.
Ta again to all!
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