Sunday, February 13, 2011

Grisham 3

Sorry Grish, but I have to let you go.

Whattaya mean?

I mean, you'll have to find a new editor.

What?! I made you rich! I made you famous! You were a nobody until--

You've got it backwards, Grish. Have you forgotten the days when no editor would read past page 1 of your manuscripts? Have you forgotten that your first novel, A Time to Kill, edited by some broad who was biding her time till she could start her own literary agency, bombed like an unattended car in an al Qaida-infested neighborhood? How your second novel, The Firm, edited by Yours Truly, hit the bestseller list faster than James Gandolfini hits the buffet at Mama Leone's? Not to mention that the movie made Tom Cruise a household name. Why, my advice to start all your novels with the word "The" alone has made you half a billion dollars. Or hadn't you noticed that every time you write one that doesn't start with "The," it tanks?

Okay, but we're a team. We need each other. My name and the word "The" guarantee millions of books sold.

I'm thinking of giving the word "The" to one of my other authors. One who's not so full of himself.

But readers love my--

Look Grish, people read your books only because you show lawyers to be exactly like they are: evil, cruel, heartless . . . It's the same reason people read my blog: because every time they get rejected, they think--correctly--that agents and editors are the bottom feeders of the publishing industry, and the blog reinforces that belief. It's comforting to know it's not their fault, it's the bouncer who won't let them in the door.

What about me?

You'll be fine. There are a dozen titles you haven't used yet. The Co-counsel, The Tort, The Bailiff . . . Hell, you haven't even used The Trial.

Sure, I can slap a good title on a turd and sell five million books, but without your input I'll lose the respect of the literary world, EE.

True. Okay, tell you what, I'm tired of your agent getting fifteen percent while I work on salary. We'll cut out the middle man. From now on you get fifteen percent, and I get the rest. Deal?

Thanks EE. I won't let you down.


--Evil Editor

1 comment:

no-bull-steve said...

"faster than James Gandolfini hits the buffet at Mama Leone's"

Classic!

I'm gonna have to use that one!