Saturday, August 13, 2011
EVIL EDITOR CLASSICS
Guess the Plot
1. Is making potions too slow for you? Cauldron not boiling fast enough? Turn to quantum magic, the quicker, easier way for Wiccans to have fun in the forest!
2. When an evil Celtics fan threatens to turn Los Angeles into a radioactive puddle of slag, whiz kid Mario Degas shrinks basketball legend Magic Johnson to molecular dimensions. Can Magic drive the lane and slam-dunk the evil plot? Or will Los Angeles be destroyed, thus bringing joy to billions worldwide?
3. The physics lab is not all work and no play. Scientist Lou McNerdle has used quantum physics to create an anti-gravity shoe for the basketball team. Will his Quantum Magic lead to a tournament bid, or will NCAA watchdog Hillary Hooper bring McNerdle back down to earth?
4. The Muse of Inspiration has a problem in helping humanity to the stars: Getting scientists to believe in magic, because only magic can go faster than light. Hilarity ensues when she utilizes ethanol and some untried new designer drugs to effect.
5. The dean laughed when physicist Norman Gannon first proposed teaching a course about Magic at the university. But that was before the Sociology Building vanished into smoke.
6. Murders and miracles, physics and prophecy are linked to the author of this magical autobiography, an alien being who explains such mysteries as Revelation and the numerology of 666 and 911. Also, Sputnik.
Magic [That, apparently, is the full title. I decided to make it easier for fake plot writers.]
On October 4, 1957 the Soviet Union launched the first of humanity's machines to reach my realm. [You know me as . . . the ionosphere. I'd been sitting there for millions of years, minding my own business, when suddenly this hunk of junk shows up and starts beeping. How's an atmospheric layer supposed to get any sleep? And that was only the beginning. This . . . is my story.] Sputnik means "co-traveler", so I hitched a ride and waited 92 days to plummet to earth on the burning Star of Sputnik exactly 9 months before I was born on October 4, 1958. I entered the developing egg of a random woman [I'm not saying I was born in 1958, but just out of curiosity, what did this woman look like?] and waited while minions, terrified of a primitive tin can in space, scrambled to create ARPA, [Alliance of Ridiculous Plot Authors.] the organization which would design your web of weapons of war while giving rise to Gog. [I Googled Gog and got Did you mean Gaga?]
Mine is a new non-fiction genre where one weaves a verifiable yet impossible tale over a Biblical 40 years with a 10 year preamble. [Where one weaves? I think you mean where you weave, unless you know of someone else writing in this genre . . . By the way, are you Gog?] You'll find out how and why I took out the USA's most expensive military aircraft, along with her older sister. [I once took out the younger sister of a heavy battle-axe.] I explain Revelations and the numerology of 666 and 911, [(666 is the only 3-digit number which, when added to half of itself and then flipped over yields itself; 911 is the highest known prime number, by which I mean the highest-known to me.)] as well as the secrets of the SS9, [Secrets like what it is.] and link them repeatedly to me and only me. [Better title for this book: I, Gog.] I add physics and prophesy to 23 murders and many miracles in this web I call Autobiographical Magic.
I've been loud. [I wouldn't call it loud so much as annoying.] Much of the plot can be Googled, [Did you invent Google?] and lots of folks will remember the rest. Police and paramedics and pastors and physicians [all start with "p" and] make wonderful witnesses when people live and die on cue. And when it comes to weather, I like wind. [You do sound like a blowhard.] Of course, since I'm me, you'll get shredded with commentary on your wars and other fun games, too. [Of course, since we're us, we'll tune you out.]
Part 1, which covers my childhood, is both lived and written. Part 2&3 continues on through my 50th. [Your 50th . . . chapter? Birthday? Incarnation?] A third book, The Gospel According to rick, no, that's later. For now, I'll just prove that I'm the Dick you've been waiting for. [No additional proof is needed.]
I assume if this were a hoax you wouldn't have come up with a weird title. Plus, we also have the book's opening. So . . . even if the book is wildly over the top, there's a better way to convey this than with a wildly over-the-top query. You're trying to convince an agent to represent you in a business deal, or a publisher to invest lots of money in you. Thus it's best that you not give the impression that you have a Gog complex.
You had a plot going for a while there, stowing away on Sputnik etc. Is the rest of the book just a series of rants and a listing of your accomplishments? I think you need to focus on a progression of events that culminates with your biggest achievement or failure. Even a memoir tells a story.
Who's rick? Are you rick or Gog?
Whirlochre said...I can't read this for white noise. The opening para hints at a story but doesn't develop it. This is way too OTT for a query letter. I know you have to sell yourself as well as your work but in this case the writer needs to get out of his/her own light. EE does us all a tremendous favour using blue comments rather than red.
Anonymous said...WTF? is right. This makes no sense at all, it's turgid and badly written, and I am frankly afraid to comment under my actual name.
What is a "new non-fiction genre"? Stories weaving Biblical stuff with modern are not new. Neither are stories about mystical numbers or...you know what? This HAS to be a hoax.
But I'm still scared to comment under my name.
150 said...If real:
You're supposed to make us want to read your novel, not hit you in the face.
If a hoax:
You're supposed to make us want to laugh, not hit you in the face.
Phoenix said...Author, dear, I don't say this often, but perhaps PublishAmerica is the place for you. Coincidentally, I watched an episode on Discovery last night about the Book of Revelation (which is singular, btw), and a new parchment was recently discovered that refutes the number "666" and quite clearly shows "616" as the number of the Beast. Perhaps you can explain the discrepancy? Since my WIP touches on much of the prophecy (spelled with a "c", btw) of Revelation, I want to be sure I get my facts correct. EE: You have outdone yourself on this one! I treated myself to a peek at your blog as a reward for finishing up a particular difficult piece of editing, and was absolutely delighted to find this little masterpiece waiting. A Hall of Famer, I do believe :o)
Ulysses said...If this is a gag query, then the author displays a disturbing lack of humor. If this is NOT a gag query, then the author displays a disturbing lack of sanity.
Dave F. said...There is an New Beginning that matches this query (facelift) which implies that there is a novel. If you are an author who has a neat idea that combines all of these disparate facts, numerical occurrences and coincidences, then you should look at descriptions of other novels that solve puzzles.
Conan Doyle has several Sherlock Holmes puzzles.
National Treasure has two movies that round up odd facts (mostly Templars).
The Da Vinci Code is another one.
The Rule of Four was a successful DaVinci Code clone.
None of them would ever be described in the way you describe your book in that query. This is a try again.
Robin S. said...Heh heh. This is a scream. (I can't point out all the places where your blue lines are a scream, so I'm with phoenix- might as well tag this one now as a top-10 of 2008.)
pjd said...My only comment (besides agreeing with... well, everyone) is that Gog is another one of those weird made-up names that would probably be better if you spelled it backwards.
talpianna said...I tend to think the author is high or VERY disturbed--or possibly looking for converts for a new religion he's founding. You know, of course, that the Number of the Beast is really 33--and you turn it around, and guess what you get: EE!
writtenwyrdd said...Oddly, though I was horribly confused and wanted to smack some sense into the author of this letter, some of the lines (like the sputnik line) were rather nifty and I liked them. That said, the problem is, nothing within this letter sells the story. Instead, it gives a rather creepy/stalker feel, and the odd use of pronouns is jarring. I gather you wanted to give your query the sense of the story's voice? I don't mean to be snarky, but I really hope that isn't the story's voice because it pretty much stinks as it stands.
fairyhedgehog said...Quantum Magic is such an evocative title. I was disappointed that the plot wasn't "The Muse of Inspiration has a problem in helping humanity to the stars: Getting scientists to believe in magic, because only magic can go faster than light." I rather liked that suggestion. By the way, I'm learning not to drink anything while reading EE's (or anyone else's) comments.
Posted by Evil Editor at 8:52 AM