Friday, August 26, 2011

EVIL EDITOR CLASSICS


Guess the Plot

Beyond the Past

1. A mix-up in extension cords has reversed the polarity on Tunbridge Wells's time machine, landing him at the Beginning, where he desperately hopes there will be no Big Bang.

2. Doctor McLeod got off on the wrong foot with Christine when he decked her right before Christmas. When his psychic grandmother later declares they're destined to be a couple, can he and Christine get . . . Beyond the Past?

3. When Narushi's time machine lands him in Hiroshima on August 5, 1945, he realizes he has one day to get his grandparents as far from Ground Zero as possible, or his parents--and he--will never be born.

4. Transgendered Otto never seems to know whether he's coming or going--until the day he shockingly falls in love with herself twenty years younger.

5. When Link Thogmorton exited the time machine, he expected to be at his senior prom, 10 years earlier. What he didn't expect was to be at a time when the Earth's surface consisted entirely of molten lava.

6. When twenty-first-century necromancer Raevyn Moonchyld is targeted by a seemingly invincible Dark Mage, she summons up five of her selves from past lives to fight alongside her.


Original Version

Dear Mr. Evil,

I discovered your blog through Miss Snark and felt you might be interested in my submission. [Isn't it about time someone found Miss Snark's blog through Evil Editor?] BEYOND THE PAST is a commercial fiction novel melding mystery, adventure, romance and a touch of paranormal, complete at 98,000 words. [How many times do I have to tell Miss Snark, Stop sending me all your people with commercial/paranormal/mystery/adventure/romance novels.]

What would happen if a low-level accountant accidentally became embroiled in a pharmaceutical scam? [I don't have the answer, which is the good news, because you want me to read on, intrigued by the question. The bad news is, the question isn't that intriguing. Perhaps it's just my current mood, but I find that I don't seem to care what would happen if a low-level accountant accidentally became embroiled in . . . anything.] [I take that back. Try this: What would happen if a drop-dead gorgeous nymphomaniac pharmaceutical employee became embroiled in a torrid love affair with the buxom young head of the FDA just as the firm she worked for was about to introduce a scam drug they claimed was a true aphrodisiac? Note that I got rid of the word "accountant." Readers are predisposed to assume anything involving an accountant is boring.] Why would a doctor break into a pharmaceutical company and violate his Hippocratic Oath with ease? [Evil Editor read the Hippocratic Oath in order to better answer this. I'm thinking the part the doctor violated is this:

Whatever houses I may visit, I will come for the benefit of the sick, remaining free of all intentional injustice, of all mischief and in particular of sexual relations with both female and male persons, be they free or slaves.

My guess is that the doctor broke into the building to have sex with the drug company's slaves.] [What, you weren't aware that virtually all drug companies use slaves as test subjects? Wake up.]

With another Christmas to get through, suicidal Christine Abernathy doesn’t know if she can survive the season. Her accounting job at Leftshwich [That word has just become my favorite tongue twister. Say it four times, fast.] pharmaceutical keeps her occupied, until she decides to take her work home with her—and gets cold cocked for her trouble by Dr. David McLeod. A trashed apartment, [Hers?] attempted suicide, [Hers?] an electrocuted security guard [Electrocuted by the doc, in violation of his oath?]

Christine: You . . . you killed that security guard.

McLeod: Your point being?

Christine: What about the Hippocratic Oath?

McLeod: I don't think you're bound by it if, when you took it, you thought you were promising not to harm hippos.

are only a few of the hazards awaiting them as the situation escalates out of control when David’s psychic grandmother decides to play matchmaker. [This makes it sound like Grandma's matchmaking caused the situation to escalate out of control.] [I'm not even sure what the "situation" is.] Can the two put their differences aside [What are their differences, outside of the fact that he decked her the first time he saw her?] to work together to discover who is behind the pharmaceutical scam? [Why aren't they turning this over to the authorities?] Murder follows them as they work and love each other to move BEYOND THE PAST. [Some people get murdered, maybe; if I was supposed to get anything else out of that sentence, I failed.]

I have worked in the medical field for twenty-three years with intimate knowledge of the ins and outs of a large hospital setting. [In short, you're ratting out all the doctors.] I am an active member of Romance Writers of America, though none of my completed manuscripts could be considered strictly romance. [What?! Is the RWA aware of this?]

Thank you for taking the time to consider my work. I would be happy to send you the entire manuscript and synopsis upon request.

Sincerely,


Revised Version

Dear Mr. Evil,

With another Christmas to get through, suicidal Christine Abernathy doesn’t know if she can survive the season. Her accounting job at Leffwitch . . . Lefswish . . . L e f t s h w i c h Pharmaceutical keeps her occupied, and the free anti-depressants she receives as a perk keep her sane, but her love life is going nowhere, and she'd like to meet a man with whom to spend the holiday. One night, last to leave the office, she does meet a man: Dr. David McLeod, who immediately coldcocks her.

After reviving Christine, McLeod explains that he broke into the building to seek evidence that drugs being produced on the premises are one quarter their advertised strength, and are threatening lives. Christine helps the hunky doctor gather evidence, and even holds down a security guard while McLeod electrocutes him. The two escape, and go to McLeod's apartment, only to discover it's been trashed and all his patients have either been murdered or have committed suicide.

Thanks to a warning from David’s psychic grandmother, he and Christine realize that the local police and the FDA are in the pockets of the drug companies, and that they must solve the case themselves. Can David and Christine put their physical attraction aside long enough to discover who is behind the pharmaceutical scam and the murders (other than the one they committed)?

BEYOND THE PAST is a commercial novel melding mystery, adventure and romance, complete at 98,000 words. I am an active member of Romance Writers of America, and have worked in the medical field for twenty-three years with intimate knowledge of the ins and outs of a large hospital setting.

Thank you for taking the time to consider my work. I would be happy to send you the entire manuscript and synopsis upon request.

Sincerely,


Notes

The key to utilizing Evil Editor's insanity is to merely note that his version has better organization and specificity, and to replace the incorrect information with information that is known only by you, the author.

If you're leaving work and some guy knocks you unconscious and then asks you help him take down your employer, are you really gonna get on board with the plan and fall for him?


Selected Comments


Anonymous said... EE, your wish is granted: I found MS's blog through this site. I wondered what coldcocked meant. You probably don't want to know what I speculated though.


BuffySquirrel said... can't...stop...laughing...


GettingWarmer said... I think I can breathe now...I, too, didn't know what coldcocked meant, and probably speculated much along the same lines as the first commenter did.


xiqay said...I found Miss Snark's site before EE's. So I'm either an evil snarkling or a snarkalicious minion. Depending on my mood. It's pretty sad when EE says he's not intrigued by the question "hook" the query contains. But the revisions look good, so author of BEYOND THE PAST, take heart.


garden minion said... I found miss snark through you, EE! And i also did not know what coldcocked meant... Could these facts be somehow related?


braun said... Plot #4 is twistedly awesome. Also, am I the only one who sees the title "Beyond the Past" and thinks... "isn't that called 'the future'?"


jqzics said... No, no, "beyond the past" isn't the future, it's "more past than before." Isn't it?


braun said... But the past is anything that's not the future or the present. There is no "before" the past. That would also be the past. This reminds me of that guy in "Sideways" who is writing a novel called "The Day After Yesterday".


Anonymous said... I too found you before Miss Snark! I praise the nexxus of time travel itself for my fortune!

1 comment:

150 said...

Character name aside, GTP #6 has a lot of potential.