Sunday, June 17, 2012

Evil Editor Classics

Five-Star Fakes, Part 2 
(scroll down two posts for part 1.

5. The Gods of Lesser Things

1. Smerach, God of Paintchips, has lost the Holy Flame, and unless he gets it back by nightfall he will be stripped of his powers. Helping him are Ula, Goddess of The Random Bits of Plastic You Find in the Junk Drawer, and Farelious, God of Pants.

2. The old gods are no longer hot, so they try to hasten the end of the world. But they didn't count on Bruce, who has the ability to rewind time.

3. The gods of carpet stains, broken chalk, and hangnails have tormented mankind long enough. Bob resolves to destroy them all, before the Earth implodes.

4. Diarrhea and Eczema watched as Aphrodite floated down for another hot encounter with a mortal. Eczema was itching to get her hands on a mortal for some fun and games. "Gotta run," 'Rhea said.

5. Whhir, the god of eggbeaters, is trying to organize his fellow deities into the Amalgamated Brotherhood of the Gods of Lesser Things and strike for better burnt offerings and a new temple. But will Whhir's ex, the goddess of mostly healed wounds, allow it?

6. Moistmorn, god of dew, agrees to take Saturday off so Bob's new golf shoes won't get wet. In return, Bob agrees to spend eternity in Hades.

4. Don't Forget the Death Ray

1. A team of astronauts arrive in a new world, only to discover the atmosphere is full of poppy-gas that adversely affects their cognition and makes them vulnerable to kidnap by flying monkeys, green women, and singing midgets.

2. The ultimate reference work on how to write comic books. Includes invaluable advice like: Don't put an alien's third eye on the back of his head; Never make a spandex costume pink; and of course . . . Don't Forget the Death Ray.

3. All mad scientist Lysander Schultz wants to do is take over one, maybe two continents so his mother will finally stop complaining he's never accomplished anything. But then Mama Schultz gets wind of the plot and decides her baby boy can't possibly do it without her assistance.

4. What happens to megalomaniacal arch-villains whose powers fade as they enter their golden years and find they can no longer remember exactly what they were going to do with the world once they dominated it? This is the story of a most unusual assisted-care facility where, more often than not, weapons of mass destruction are found in the refrigerator rather than in that tray on the dresser where they belong.

5. Ironic hipster Lance McAllister's blog, "Don't Forget The Death-Ray," is a send-up of science fiction cliches and alien abductions. It's all fun and games--until the Reticulons show up and the anal probes start.

6. Zorpha Qv'naul has had to deal with one too many creeps who think, just because they paid for immersion in the nutrient vats, she should drop her carapace and become brood-host to their natal swarm. So she's written a handbook of practical advice for the single female tentaculoid playing the dating game on Eta Horologii IV.

3. Jumbie-mon

1. Lemme tell you mon, deh women be wakkin home let wun eev-nin, wen dat man's ghost joomped rite outta dem bushes en skaret em to death.

2. Wen mild-mannered Rhashan Turnbull smoken deh Jamaican weed, he behcomen deh superhero Joombie-mon, scoorge of deh Rastafarian crim'nools.

3. Agent Troy Davis dealen wit deh Ebola-like virus, deh nuclear war, 'n' a fanat'cal coolt as he rehcen deh clock to learnen the secret of . . . Joombie-mon!

4. Wen Bob becomen depresset wit his life as an inshoorance salesman, Marsha inspiren him teh flee his suboorban home 'n' try teh make it in Alaska, as a Reggae droomer wit dretlocks down to here 'n' deh awesome rhythm.

5. Pirates of deh Caribbean a la Rastafari grooviness, 1974 -- featuren deh ruthless cold war Roossian spies, two oondercover George Booshes, a yoong Dick Cheney disguisen as one-a Mick Jagger's groupies, Richard Nixon and a band callen deh "Jamaican Beatles."

6. Pikachu, Charizard, and all deh other Pokemon's bein' driven out of deh hearts of deh elementry schoolers by deh Joombie-mon, who look'n like bad-assed, fire-breathen Tele-toobies, only worsen. Wit millioons in advertisen at steck, deh battle's on.

2. The Taj Mahal Romance Repair Agency

1. From the outside it is looking like ordinary Indian restaurant. But those couples being strangely attracted to its most exotic menu are finding its warming food and most philosophical waiters exceedingly putting the spices back into their troubled relationships. Also, a chapati.

2. Three clueless Indian virgins are starting running the agency specializing in the fixing of the ailing romances for some other Indians lacking the clues, but are most quickly sucking into some most amusing misadventures.

3. Arranged marriages can be most best for the families, but for the couple thrusting together without the spark of the romance, getting to knowing themselves be most traumatic. Jaswinder and Anjul have a plan to fix that with the newest business idea. But when they are establishing the call center in Lexington, KY, the miscommunications lead to hilarity on two sides of the world.

4. Sanjiv has made his fortune as Kama Sutra instructor, and his mother is after him to seek the wife. Hilarity is ensuing when he is meeting his future in-laws. Can he be convincing Mr. Gupta that he is computer repairman before Mrs. Gupta is recalling "The Reverse Cowgirl"?

5. Bishakha's husband has died twenty years before, but she isn't seeing why death should be the barrier to the romance. With help of Taj Mahal Romance Repair Agency, she plans to hunting down her husband's reincarnation, and marry him once more. Also, the sacred elephant.

6. Going to working for top literary agent right out of Brown is being Sissy Lion's dreaming. But no one is telling her she will be slogging through endless piles of romance novels, not the literary fiction. And now they are wishing her to be editing this tripe? Can there be any escaping...The Taj Mahal Romance Repair Agency?

1. Random Thoughts of a Teenage Axe Murderer

1. Should I chop up my boyfriend and eat his body parts? I hate writing my thoughts in this crappy journal. If I kill all my co-workers, maybe I'll get promoted out of my lousy entry-level job. I'm in love with my shrink; maybe I'll kill him with an axe. Or maybe I should have him over for dinner . . . as the main course!

2. She's cute. Math homework is so unfair. Got to beat my GTA3 high score. Wonder if the new Blindside album is out? Look at the boombah's on her. Die, Die, Die, you scum-sucking parasite. I hate mayonnaise.

3. Mmm, cookies. I wonder if I should ask Tina to the Winter Formal. Double-bladed looks cool, but a hachet is a lot more practical. Are there walnuts in these? If there are walnuts in these, someone is going to have to die. Would it look suspicious if I rented a woodchipper?

4. Will this fake I.D. work to get some beer? Can I get that cute girl in History to notice me? Will my skin clear up in time for the dance? Will my Dad loan me the car and an axe Friday night? Who you lookin' at?

5. I wonder if I was on the verge of getting my license before I chopped the driving instructor into tiny pieces. How do so many kids buy this Red Riding Hood story? I mean, if you can't tell your grandmother from a wolf, you need your eyes examined. Think I'll go hang out at the mall. Better bring my axe in case some cop gives me trouble.

6. So I hacked up a few people. Was that any reason to put me in here with all these crazies? Look at that guy, sitting there with his mouth hanging open. Where's an axe when I need one? Doesn't that TV get anything but Brady Bunch reruns? Wait a minute, is that an axe behind the glass in the fire extinguisher cabinet?

Actual Plots:


1 comment:

PLaF said...

LOL - I want to read every single one of the Jumbie-mon novels.