The Wings of Winter
1. A husband-and-wife architect team who have grown to loathe each other decide to stay together for purely economic reasons in their dream split-level Georgian Revival with separate entrances.
2. Sparrow loves the prince, but to help him save his kingdom, she must bring forth her latent non-human powers.
3. Ebenezer Grout, trying to forensically track down the young rapscallion who put all those snow angels in his yard, spends all winter taking measurements up and down the block.
4. In the year 2074, a bionically-enhanced Sir Paul McCartney revives his band members from their cryogenic sleep for one more really, truly final farewell tour.
5. Lonely ornithologist Red Crest McGuffin finds love and scandal when his binoculars spot nude campers barbecuing a rare Arctic Loon in Yosemite National Park.
6. A frustrated Tokyo-born butterfly mutant named Thomas Swallowtail, angry at the state of the world because he can't seem to hold down a job, flaps his wings at just the right moment to bring about nuclear winter conditions in New York.
Original Version
Dear agent,
When Sparrow’s adoptive family is slaughtered, her survival depends on embracing a birthright that pushes her further and further from her own humanity. [And closer and closer to her birdness.] The Wings of Winter is an epic fantasy of 125,000 words with themes appropriate to adult and strong young adult readers.
After mercenaries raze Sparrow's village, a chance encounter with a hunting falcon [Were the mercenaries vultures? Are all the characters birds? Is this the same Sparrow that killed Cock Robin? If so, I think we can assume that the "chance encounter" with the falcon was attempted murder.] brings her stumbling into the path of Owen, Crown Prince of Tremont. [Alias: The Stork.] She relays information that saves his life, [The sky is falling! The sky is falling!] allying them against their common enemy, Elias, an Aliud shape shifter. [The guy from another realm has a normal name? Someone check and see if pigs are flying.] Elias has engineered chaos in both Human and Aliud realms with the deaths of their respective monarchs. [I'm guessing there's chaos in the Aliud realm 24/7, whether the monarch is dead or not, if they're all shape shifters. Can you imagine a world in which everyone can change into anyone or anything? All the women would look like Julia Roberts, and all the men would look like . . . Julia Roberts.] Now he seeks to take control of the Aliud kingdom and reclaim land from Tremont that once belonged to the shape shifters. [He's just trying to get back what's rightfully his? Are you sure he's the bad guy here?] Sparrow, half-Aliud, is heir to power that Elias needs. Because she is half-human, many of the Aliud see Sparrow as a threat and an abomination, but some accept her as kin. Because she is half-Aliud, many in Tremont [see her as an ostrich and] doubt her loyalties. Elias exploits the fractures within Aliud society and the Humans' fear of the Aliud to push the races toward war. In order to oppose Elias and help Owen prevent Tremont’s destruction, Sparrow must harness her latent abilities even as her growing power alienates her from the human life she once knew and the prince she has come to love. [What are Sparrow's latent abilities? Shape shifting?] [If I discovered that my woman had special abilities, I wouldn't feel alienated. I'd convince her to use these powers to make me rich, famous, powerful, and even more handsome. That's why Bewitched was so unrealistic. Darren didn't want Sam using her witchcraft. What an idiot. And then when Darren number two took over, he was just as stupid.]
My publications include non-fiction and creative writing credits. The most recent (“Chronic Pain” in Physical Rehabilitation, 5th edition, FA Davis,) is currently in press. My poetry has been published in Stirring: A Literary Collection, World Haiku Review, [World Haiku Review? I wonder if they would publish any of Evil Editor's Haikus:
Novel? Why Bother?
World Haiku Review:
With seventeen syllables
You can be published.
Perfect Threesome
Penelope Cruz,
Maria Sharapova,
Evil Editor.
Sparrow's Dissent
Not tonight, Owen.
I refuse to change into
Heidi Klum again.]
Poems Niederngasse, and New Solutions. I am currently writing MindBlind, a speculative fiction/thriller and outlining The House of Many Doors, a young adult ghost story.
[I. Attic door
a. Strange noises coming from above
b. Steep stairs
II. Cellar door
a. Creaking noise
b. Lights don't work
III. Door at end of long hall
a. Always locked
b. Ominous music plays when approached
1. Violin screeches
2. Loud organ
c. Very cold in vicinityIV. Bedroom door of teen boy who has never spoken
a. Evil clown door knocker
b. Knob made from human skull]My full manuscript is available upon request. Please find enclosed a SASE as per your guidelines. Thank you for your time and your attention.
Sincerely,
Notes
Who are the Aliud? Space invaders? Dimension hoppers?
The political alliances section needs to be simplified lest it put the reader to sleep.
Selected Comments
JTC said...A fantasy character with a normal name? Finally! I would read this book for that reason alone! Please thank the author for me. -
Ashni said...It looks like you need to decide whether "human" is capitalized or not. (Or maybe I just noticed this because it was one of the Search-and-Replace from Hells in my own project.)
Anonymous said...Elias is indeed a perfectly good name, but when I hit this: ...allying them against their common enemy, Elias, an Aliud shape shifter I got way distracted by trying to say "allying against Elias an Aliud" five times fast.
kis said...I do wonder how two completely different races--shape-shifters who are clearly superior, and humans--could coexist unless their territories were far, far apart. I mean, Cro Magnons and Neanderthals had a lot more in common, and we all know what happened there, right? Why haven't the shape-shifters killed off all the humans yet, or enslaved them?
Of course, these issues are probably dealt with in the novel, which is one I would be inclined to read. This is the kind of stuff I love--political upheaval, regicide, superhuman powers and romance. Now if you'd just change that boring "Elias" to something cool like "Basimo"...
2 comments:
Owen is a real name too. I mean nobody actually has it, but technically it's real.
I'd say defining the limitations of the shape-shifting near the beginning of your query would go a long way to clearing up nagging questions. If they have the ability to shape shift into birds (not humans, rocks, furniture etc.) say that. If they each have one other shape than human they can turn into, say that.
Also, since they're not 'Human', we can't assume humanoid is their original state--maybe they're birds that can turn into humans?
Since the conflict between humans and Aliuds is your central plot, clarifying how exactly the Aliud are different from humans is key, and "shape-shifting" is too vague.
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