Evil Editor

Face-Lift 984

2012-01-27T07:38:00.006-05:00

Guess the Plot

The Star Bear Odyssey

1. Microbrewer Dave Fitzsimmons thinks he's found a winning name for his secret lager. He dreams of hitting it big. Then there's a mistake at the printer. Hilarity ensues.

2. A space bear travels to Earth and meets a tragic end, but his cells serve as the building blocks of life on our planet. Written entirely in haiku.

3. Sam and Belle Star, horse and cattle rustlers, stop in a bar where a depressed stockbroker says there’s a bear market at the Chicago Exchange. So the Star gang raid Missouri and Iowa zoos, stealing bears and herding them toward Chicago. Hilarity ensues.

4. When Olga Petrovna, the lead bear in the Moscow Circus's bicycle act, is kidnapped by a rival ringmaster, plucky 11-year-old acrobat Ivan Ivanovich must cross Siberia to far off Irkutsk to recover her.

5. A crew of astronauts set out on the most dangerous mission ever, a voyage from Mizar in Ursa Major (The Great Bear) to Polaris in Ursa Minor (The Little Bear). Apparently they're obsessed with bears, although this is carrying it a bit far.

6. Seventeen-year-old Kendra Langton sets out to follow the path of Odysseus in her sailboat, Star Bear. It's supposed to be an educational vacation, but when she encounters Charybdis and then gets attacked by a Cyclops, she realizes she's in for rough sailing. Could Circe be behind this?

7. Every solstice, Grock the centaur makes the pilgrimage to the Ring of Stones to learn about his destiny from the Star Bear. This year, his oracle is silent and Grock needs to find out why the stars' voices have been stilled.

Original Version

Dear Evil Editor,

Attached please find my 523 word very haiku horror picture story for all ages, The Star Bear Odyssey. [If it's haiku, we we don't need a word count; we need a syllable count.] [Not sure what the word "very" is modifying. Very haiku? As opposed to somewhat haiku? Would a somewhat haiku book be written using a lower percentage of haiku, or would it just have some inferior haiku, like with eight syllables in the middle line?] You mentioned that you would be interested in seeing it. [Note to self: Henceforth no more than two beers per night at a writers conference.]

The crash-landing of another traveller, expelled from his own star, rudely interrupts a small water bear space traveller’s journey. [These strings of modifiers (very haiku horror picture, small water bear space) don't help your cause, partly because they seem like randomly chosen words.] [Here's a haiku I just composed:

Small water bear space
Very haiku horror pics
Charge tennis cow spring.]

The empathetic star bear is glad to receive company and agrees to take care of the foundling. A tale reminiscent of a twining of Roald Dahl’s dark humor and Poe’s psychological distress unfolds.

[Edgar Allan Poe
And Roald Dahl entwining.
Wackiness ensues.]

On one level it is a simple story of survival. On another level it is about depression, abuse, and the betrayal of trust.

[Depression, abuse,
And the betrayal of trust.
Sounds like a downer.]

The outcome is necessarily tragic, but also a pyrrhic victory, in that the star bear’s cells serve as a fragile evolutionary bridge on earth. Panspermia is an unlikely but possible scientific theory for the sustenance of life on earth. [For those who don't want to look it up, panspermia is the theory that sperm from a star bear traveled through space until it encountered the egg of an Earth mammal, resulting in the creation of Yogi Bear.]

I wrote the book during a period of severe depression, for which it served as a kind of catharsis. I have had it edited professionally by Hat Trick Rooster, a published Xanaduian poet. [I Googled the words Xanaduian poet but Google insisted I meant Canadian poet. I guess that means they never heard of a poet from Xanadu. (Personally, I'm surprised they've heard of any poets from Canada.) Then I Googled Hat Trick Rooster and got this 1961 Australian ad for Red Rooster's Hawaiian Hat Trick box of food.] [I had no idea Australian ads were as annoying as American ads. "Chunks and chips." That sounds appetizing.] [Does a haiku author really need a haiku editor? Haiku are only about ten words long. I guess the editor can confirm that each line has the right number of syllables. And some words do have questionable syllabic totals. For instance, Xanaduian. If you pronounce it Zan a du ee an it's five syllables, but if you pronounce it Zan a du yen it's four. If I were writing a haiku, I'd go with four syllables. Otherwise it takes up the entire first line. Compare these haiku:

Xanaduian dome
Brings pleasure to Kublai Khan
But not to students.

Xanaduian.
It describes Rooster Hat Trick,
Whoever that is.

They're equally great, but the first one has more words. That's the point I'm trying to make.] [Wild guess: Xanaduian TV ads are less annoying than Australian TV ads.]

I am at a loss as to what type of publication (other than/self-publishing) it might appeal to. (which I won't mention) [I agree that it's a mistake to mention in a query that you believe self-publishing is your best bet.]

I am an artist and aspiring illustrator-author, an avid reader, and fascinated by the evolution of books, reading and technology. The illustrations for Star Bear are done on smooth, bleed proof paper in mixed media. The haikus are written in calligraphy as part of each illustration. I found the physical act of handwriting in itself therapeutic. [I don't even remember how to perform the physical act of handwriting.]

I look forward to hearing from you.

Sincerely,

Notes

Maybe this would be a hit in Japan. Or maybe it would be cool for teachers to use when covering poetry in elementary school.

Clearly you need to include sample pages so editors can judge the quality of the art, calligraphy and haiku. If they like what they see, they will probably want a lot more of the story than you provide here. The mention of horror/Poe/Dahl leads me to believe there's a plot. Are the bear and the foundling the only characters? What happens when they get here? What's this about betrayal? Summarize the story. Then add:

Haiku book, complete
With space bear illustrations.
Request manuscript?

Book Chat 47

2012-01-26T14:09:00.004-05:00

In the comments.

An edited version of the chat is posted here.

The 6th Annual Oscar Guess the Plot Quiz

2012-01-26T08:39:00.008-05:00

Each of the following films has been nominated as best picture of the year. Your job is to figure out which of the plots are fakes, created by Evil Editor and his Evil Minions, and which is the actual plot of the film.

1. The Artist

A lonely autistic man paints haunting images of the Holocaust.

In depression-era New York City an artist who was the talk of the town must deal with the fact that no one has any money to buy art.

Silent film about a silent film star who produces a silent film to prove that silent films aren't dead.

Serial killer "The Artist" rearranges victims' faces to resemble Picassos. Corrimer is an art critic-turned-detective, hot on his trail. But now the Artist is stalking the critic due to a scathing critique of the last crime scene.

A world-renowned sand sculptor must move to snowy Colorado to care for his ailing father.

That's what they call him, Jean-Baptist LaClerc. He has painted and screwed his way through most of French nobility, but can he seduce Marie Champlon? Her eyes say 'yes,' but the key to her chastity belt says 'no.' His reputation is at stake, confound it!

2. The Descendants

Aidan and Andrew, a married gay couple in NYC, struggle to come to terms with the deaths of their grandparents in the Holocaust.

With his wife in a coma, a lawyer takes his children to meet the man their mother was having an affair with. Dramedy ensues.

Their grandfather and their father were bosses in the nation's biggest crime family. Now twins Carlo and Carlotta try to make a life for themselves with a home-made pasta business while the family's enemies seek revenge.

Picasso's nude model descended the staircase only once for that iconic picture, but did she descend it again for Picasso's arch nemesis?

Eleven houses in eight countries on four continents and yet, people always figure it out; 'John Smith' and his family are direct descendants of Adolf Hitler's love child. His wife, Zelda wonders if it might be John's mustache. Nah. Better move again.

3. Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close

A young woman from the midwest visits the big city for the first time and comes to regret sitting next to Evil Editor at the all-you-can-eat Mexican buffet.

Jon thinks winning front row tickets to an AC/DC concert is a dream come true. But ten days later, he and his date still haven't recovered their hearing.

After buying their dream house in Georgia through an Internet realty firm, Californians Paul and Marcie move across the country and discover their home is located next to Atlanta's Hartsfield-Jackson International Airport.

After Oskar's father is killed in the World Trade Center attack he befriends an old man who hasn't spoken since he witnessed a bombing in WWII. They become close and Oskar notices the old man is a lot like his father. Hmm...

Jeremiah is sick of his conjoined twin, Jeremy. Jeremy yells when watching sport on TV, which he does constantly when not making appalling jokes and laughing raucously at them. Can Jeremiah find a way to kill the idiot without harming himself or doing time?

Two siblings, both nearly deaf, come of age in frontier America.

A group of high school friends take a road trip to see their favorite band live and from the front row . . . 30 years after the band's heyday.

4. Hugo

An unconventional dark comedy about Hugo Weaving, the man who brought both Agent Smith and Lord Elrond to life.

Charles Beaumont refuses to heed the warnings as Hurricane Hugo approaches Charleston, SC in 1989. When his child is killed by glass from a shattered window, he must spend the rest of the movie feeling guilty and enduring his wife's glares.

An orphan named Hugo is living with his uncle. When the uncle vanishes, it's up to Hugo to get his uncle's mechanical man working.

Hugo the elephant is so big and fat he flattens every circus that'll have him — until the ringmasters all gang up to have him shot. Can Dumbo-crazy toddler Biffy Stumpo save the massively-trunked quadruped? Or will he too be squished to a pulp and everything EVERYTHING end terribly?

A biopic of mad scientist Hugo A Gogo – you know, from the 60’s cartoon, Bat Fink. What do you mean you can’t remember? It was a classic, man, a classic.

The sqeezable soft bear from the Downy commercial makes his silver screen debut in a heart-warming family comedy. Bear does know best.

Never heard of him? No? Who has? It sucks being Igor's little brother. “Igor, fetch more brains.” “Igor, check the contacts.” “Igor throw the switch.” “You? Errrrm... Go scrub the loos, there's a good lad.”

5. Midnight in Paris

Vacationing with his fiancee in Paris, a writer is transported every night at midnight back to the 1920s, where he hobnobs with the likes of Hemingway and Fitzgerald.

During WWII, a pair of lesbian jazz singers--one Jewish, the other African-American, struggle to come to terms with both their love and their project to smuggle crippled Polish children to NYC.

Midnight: cute kitty by day, avenging panther by night. Follow Midnight's adventures as she stalks and wreaks bloody vengeance on those Parisians who are far too superior to bother scooping up after their pooches.

The thrilling end to the romantic trilogy that began with "Before Sunrise" and "Before Sunset."

Is it midnight? Who can tell, with all these bloody lights! Just once, Michele wants his children to be able to see the stars. Calling in every favor he has, he conspires to shut off all the public outdoor lights at once. Will party-pooper Mayor Adele Richard thwart his plan?

6. The Help

Mexican-American illegal immigrants who mow the lawns of suburban soccer moms, and their secret lives.

Maids, footmen and cooks at a 1915 British estate gather nightly in the kitchen to gossip about the family that employs them. Pretty funny if you can understand their accents.

Unbeknownst to the rest of the world, every 100 years, twelve superheroes are born. The Healer. The Fighter. The Sympath. The Honest. The Courage. What does Melda get? A lifetime of emergency silver-polishing and deviled egg-making.

Fresh out of college, Skeeter wants to be a writer, so she interviews a number of maids working in Mississippi, compiles the interviews into a book, and sells it to Harper Collins. The book is a success and Skeeter goes on to a career in publishing. A fantasy.

Imogen is the angel assigned to help Sahira leave her slum home in Mumbai and rescue her family from grinding poverty. When local bullies discover and kidnap Imogen, Sahira has to help her “help”.

Documentary about the rumored 6th Beatle - the copy editor who was the real driving force of the band's success.

7. Moneyball

It seemed like a good idea at the time to drop an enormous ball of cash in the poorest area of DC. Several trampled politicians later, Senator Mitchel has been arrested on multiple charges and his cellmates have come up with a new nickname for him. Guess what it is.

A pair of crooks try to break the bank at Atlantic City while seeking a place that will perform their gay marriage.

The general manager of a hapless major league baseball team devises new methods of scouting players in order to contend with his team's puny payroll. At one point they win 20 games in a row, and would have won the World Series, except it's based on a true story, and they didn't.

After winning the $50,000,000 Powerball lottery, Sheila Stone discovers relatives she never knew she had. When her generosity leaves her bankrupt, she uses her last ten dollars to buy lottery tickets. You'll never guess what happens.

John Nathan just wants to throw the perfect birthday party for his 12-year-old, as part of a ploy to regain the favor of his estranged ex-wife. But when it turns out that bank robbers stashed their ill-gotten gains in the baseball-shaped pinata he just bought, it's gonna be one hell of a party.

8. War Horse

The Trojan War from the horse's perspective.

Battleaxe. Steamroller. All of these apply to Carol's mother-in-law. Husband Lennie tries to convince Carol it's serious, and when they come home to find MIL in a chalk pentagram pulling the heads off chickens, she does. But is there still time to run?

A gay, autistic African-American soldier in WWII obsessively draws images of horses on bombers heading to Germany.

A rocking horse is possessed by demons after a children's birthday party gone wrong. Breaking free from the house, the horse sets off on its mission to start a world war and, hopefully, ensure the destruction of the planet.

Albert's father sells their beloved horse Joey to a British officer during WWI. The officer is killed and Joey is captured by the Germans. After the war, Albert discovers that Joey is being auctioned off and collects money to bid on him. Sadly, he's outbid by an old French guy.

Rock band War Horse are the new Hot Things. Follow their rise to fame and fortune, their boozing and drug taking, the stalker groupie, the tantrums, the leaked sex tapes with nobodies, the manipulative manager and internal rifts over the artistic direction they will next take, the split, the appalling solo releases, and their final degradation – hosts on televised talent quests.

9. The Tree of Life

Three generations of Jewish African Americans struggle to come to terms with their autistic LGBT descendants' marriages.

When he sees a tree being planted in front of a building, Jack O'Brien reminisces about his life as young teenager during the 1950s. Also, the origin of the universe and dinosaurs.

Just as the Circle of Life describes how death leads to more life, the Tree of Life describes how growth leads to the raking of leaves.

The Giving Tree fights back.

Oh, you thought it meant your life? Come closer my pretty, and I will tell you a tale of the last surviving carnivorous cypress in the Bayou. A bit closer. Closer.

Answers below

Fake plots created by Evil Editor, Khazar-khum, Anonymous, Mother (Re)produces, Jo-Ann, Whirlochre

The actual plots are:

1. Silent film about a silent film star who produces a silent film to prove that silent films aren't dead.

2. With his wife in a coma, a lawyer takes his children to meet the man their mother was having an affair with. Dramedy ensues.

3. After Oskar's father is killed in the World Trade Center attack he befriends an old man who hasn't spoken since he witnessed a bombing in WWII. They become close and Oskar notices the old man is a lot like his father.

4. An orphan named Hugo is living with his uncle. When the uncle vanishes, it's up to Hugo to get his uncle's mechanical man working.

5. Vacationing with his fiancee in Paris, a writer is transported every night at midnight back to the 1920s, where he hobnobs with the likes of Hemingway and Fitzgerald.

6. Fresh out of college, Skeeter wants to be a writer, so she interviews a number of maids working in Mississippi, compiles the interviews into a book, and sells it to Harper Collins. The book is a success and Skeeter goes on to a career in publishing. A fantasy.

7. The general manager of a hapless major league baseball team devises new methods of scouting players in order to contend with his team's puny payroll. At one point they win 20 games in a row, and would have won the World Series, except it's based on a true story, and they didn't.

8. Albert's father sells their beloved horse Joey to a British officer during WWI. The officer is killed and Joey is captured by the Germans. After the war, Albert discovers that Joey is being auctioned off and collects money to bid on him. Sadly, he's outbid by an old French guy.

9. When he sees a tree being planted in front of a building, Jack O'Brien reminisces about his life as young teenager during the 1950s. Also, the origin of the universe and dinosaurs.

Book Chat Reminder

2012-01-25T10:07:00.000-05:00

Thursday, January 26, 6PM eastern.

Why Haven't I Heard from Dancing with the Stars?

2012-01-24T00:12:00.010-05:00

As my Twitter followers are well aware, my Twitscription is: World's most famous editor. Does that qualify me to be on Dancing with the Stars?

Now you may say, Of course it doesn't. Most people have never heard of Evil Editor. To which I say, I just examined the list of celebrities who have appeared on Dancing with the Stars, and had never heard of 64 of them until they made their appearances. Which is not to say that no one's ever heard of them, just that the list of celebrities sports fans have heard of doesn't necessarily intersect with the list soap opera fans have heard of. One viewer's Kelly Monaco is another viewer's Clyde Drexler is another viewer's Evil Editor.

Here are some of the fields from which celebrities have been invited to compete on the show: Rodeo cowboy, fashion entrepreneur, disk jockey, chef, son of famous singer, brother of reality TV star, daughter of ex-governor, beach volleyball player, daughter of famous singer, idiot from New Jersey, and unicyclist. No one from the publishing field has competed.

I'm sure they'd love to have Julia Roberts and Bruce Springsteen and Tiger Woods on the show. Those are top celebs in the acting, singing and sports fields. Instead they get such c-list stars as actor Ralph Macchio, singer Marie Osmond and football player Chad Ochocinco.

The point is, Evil Editor is the Julia/Bruce/Tiger of editing. King of the hill top of the heap A-number 1 New York, New York. A-List all the way.

It must be embarrassing for the producers when they introduce the "star" to his dance teacher, and the dance teacher is more famous than the star. The star is some geezer who played Ernie, the 4th son on My Three Sons, 50 years ago, while the dance teacher has 20,000,000 Facebook friends and gets invited to state dinners at the White House in hopes that he/she will endorse the president in his bid for reelection.

It's a joke every season when they announce the names of the Stars and people are saying Who? Who? Who?!! And the producers say, He played drums in Bette Midler's stage show in 1987. She's a real housewife from Omaha. And she once served a sandwich to Lauren Bacall.

Of course they might prefer to go with a literary agent rather than an editor, but no agent is higher than B-list, the only B-list agent is Kristin Nelson, and according to a source on her staff who wishes to remain anonymous, Nelson has two left feet.

The only reason I can think of why I haven't received an invitation is because they're afraid I'll win, and they prefer that the winner be a TV star. Have they looked at my picture? I'm fatter than Penn Jillette, less attractive than Steve Wozniak, and older than Cloris Leachman. And none of them even made it to the final four. I could dance like Fred Astaire and I wouldn't make it past the fifth week.

Too bad I don't have 20,000,000 followers who could bombard the producers with suggestions/demands that I be invited. I need to become a TV star. Is there a network that might be willing to cast me in a sitcom about an editor who's always at odds with his most famous client, John Grisham? Call me.

New Beginning 919

2012-01-23T09:07:00.004-05:00

The little puppy my (then) husband handed me looked at me with a quizzical twist of his Doberman head. He was all feet and nose. A red Dobie, all mine. My then husband had to travel a lot and we lived in a huge estate home on a golf course and lake. All my neighbors had been broken into. We hadn't been only because I insisted on burglar proof windows when we built the three story mansion. The cruds had tried but didn't have the skills to get into the house where I lived most of the time without a husband but with his mom and my two daughters. I was a nervous wreck.

I didn't sleep much most nights, I looked out windows and paced. Our back yard faced onto the seventh tee of a golf course. Easy way to get to a house, by the golf course. My neighbors had a yappy dog who slept through the night of their burglary. I suspect the dog was awake but kept quiet. Wise move.

I bought a gun. It was a glock. I went to the firing range and learned how to use it. I went to the RCMP and registered it. The member of the force told me "Good choice" as he examined it. I got my licence. I wasn't a hunter although my dad had been when I was a kid. I had had a few break in attempts. Hence the gun and the dog. This silly little red dog, like he could protect my kids, my mother-in-law and me. He weighed maybe nine pounds when he arrived in my arms.

I couldn't sleep that first night. Dobie lay at my feet on the bed where I slept alone most nights. My then husband had said he was "working late." Like I would believe his lies after so many years. Like I couldn't hear his secretary showering in the background when he called from "the conference hotel."

When the door to the bedroom creaked open, the girls had been asleep for hours. I pulled the Glock out from under my pillow. Dobie looked at me dolefully, but kept quiet. Wise move.

That was the night my husband became my then husband. As his body lay in a pool of his own blood on the carpet, I enjoyed my first peaceful night of sleep in years.

Opening: Wilkins MacQueen.....Continuation: Tamara Marnell

EVIL EDITOR CLASSICS

2012-01-22T09:28:00.006-05:00

Guess the Plot

Squirrels in Space!

1. Still smarting from the last shuttle disaster, defense contractor Willard Butz devises a cunning plan to test rocket components on a smaller scale.

2. Rocky is lonely so he signs up for Facebook, looking for companionship. He never guessed how many nuts were out there.

3. A genetically engineered race of sentient squirrels retreats to their own star system in the face of human intolerance.

4. NASA's mistranslation of an extraterrestrial message, "We'll kill ten thousand marigolds each week until you surrender your nuts," sends global panic through the jock-strap market.

5. When a powerful drug company rounds up all the squirrels in the country to use for animal testing, the squirrels realize their only hope of avoiding extinction is to steal a space shuttle.

6. Marcia's comic book series, Squirrels in Space, becomes a cult hit, but her new celebrity status threatens her marriage.

Original Version

Dear Evil Editor,

I have completed an 85,000 word young adult science fiction novel entitled SQUIRRELS IN SPACE. Set in a universe where humankind has spread out amongst the stars, a genetically engineered race of sentient squirrels has retreated into their own star system in the face of human intolerance. [Just because we keep trying to figure out ways to keep them out of our bird feeders doesn't mean we're intolerant.]

When a bomb rips apart the squirrel's [squirrels'] space station, the survivors are rescued by a military human spaceship [This makes it sound like the spaceship is human. And in uniform.] from an allied system, the Barossa. [This makes it sound like the Barossa is the allied system, when in fact it's the human spaceship (I looked ahead).] Among the survivors is Amily, a young squirrel on the brink of adulthood. [Squirrel-wise, that's about five months old.] By chance he caught sight of a mysterious ship which is the only lead on tracking down the squirrels' attackers. Amily welcomes the chance to hunt them down and becomes a member of the Barossa's crew. He finds out that even on board the Barossa there is danger when he overhears a plot to kill him and maybe even blow up the ship.

[Villainous conspirator: There's a 5-month-old squirrel on our ship.
Villainous co-conspirator: So I've heard. It's a delicate situation.
Villainous conspirator: We need a plan. We may not get a second chance.
Villainous co-conspirator: Bird feeders with poisoned seed?
Villainous conspirator: No good, there's no birdseed on board.
Villainous co-conspirator: We could blow up the ship.
Villainous conspirator: Hmm. Fast. Effective. No downside that I can see.]

When the Barossa finally tracks down the black ship, [Black? I don't remember anything about it being black.] Amily accompanies the team sent in to capture the terrorists, who are hiding in an abandoned mining base dug into an asteroid. Despite being shot, he manages to help save his team, and the terrorists are brought aboard the Barossa. [If you want to kill a squirrel, you don't shoot it; you run it over with a car. That's where the terrorists went wrong.] Disturbingly, the terrorists hint that their conspiracy reaches into heart of the Barossa and may even extend to the governments of the allied systems. [They hint? Usually prisoners either clam up or talk, they don't drop hints.

Interrogator: Who's behind this?
Terrorist: I'm no snitch.
Interrogator: Borgo, remove the prisoner's left eye.
Terrorist: Whoa, I'll give you a hint. He's right-handed.]

Threatened with exposure, Lieutenant-Commander Jacoby, the senior conspirator on board the Barossa and one of the senior Bridge crew, takes the Captain hostage. Increasingly desparate [desperate] to gain control of the ship, he hides her in a spacesuit tethered to the outside of the ship. Amily and members of the crew still loyal must find the Captain, the conspirators and the bomb before tragedy strikes again. [Jacoby's prepared to set off a bomb that'll kill everyone aboard, but when he puts the captain outside, he makes sure she has a spacesuit and a tether line?] At the same time, Amily has to deal with growing up and establishing a new life among humans. [At the same time? Can't that wait till after they prevent the tragedy?]

If you would like to read more of Amily's story, I will be very happy to send the complete manuscript or sample chapters. This is my first novel. I have one short fiction credit to date, with a science fantasy short story being published in Hub Magazine this winter. Thank you for your consideration.

Revised Version

Dear Evil Editor,

Humankind has reached the stars and a genetically engineered race of sentient squirrels has retreated into their own star system in the face of human intolerance. A bomb rips apart a squirrel space station. The survivors, rescued by a military spaceship, the Barossa, include Amily, a young squirrel who caught sight of a mysterious black ship, the only lead in tracking down the attackers. Amily welcomes the chance to hunt them down and becomes a member of the Barossa's crew.

When the black ship is located, the terrorists are brought aboard the Barossa. They reveal that their conspiracy reaches into the heart of the Barossa itself. Threatened with exposure, Lieutenant-Commander Jacoby, the senior conspirator on board the Barossa and one of the senior Bridge crew, takes the captain hostage and hides her in a spacesuit tethered to the outside of the ship.

Amily and still-loyal members of the crew now must find the captain, the conspirators and the bomb before tragedy strikes again. There's more at stake than their lives; Amily's heroics during the mission could help create better understanding between humankind and squirreldom.

SQUIRRELS IN SPACE is a completed 85,000-word YA science fiction novel. If you would like to read Amily's story, I will be happy to send the complete manuscript or sample chapters. This is my first novel. I have one short fiction credit to date, with a science fantasy short story due to be published in Hub Magazine this winter. Thank you for your consideration.

Notes

The title is funny, but in order for this to work the book needs to be funny. Is the only joke that there are squirrels instead of, say, Ferengi? In other words, do you use squirrels simply because they're amusing animals, or because of the numerous hilarious situations that are made all the more hilarious by the presence of squirrels? Are the crew members intolerant of Amily's presence? If the book is funny, show this in the query.

Selected Comments

JTC said...I don't think this story line will work unless you make it a spoof like "Spaceballs" or something.

Zombie Deathfish said...Wait... You mean this wasn't a joke?

Anonymous said...Why would anyone need to genetically-engineer squirrels? Is there a planet out there where their nut-finding abilities are needed desperately? That would make for a funny story. "Our food supplies are scattered all over the planet and covered by mountains of slime! What do we do?" "I know! Get me the SQUIRRELS IN SPACE!"

nitpicker said...sentient: 1) Having sense perception; conscious.

In other words, all (living) squirrels are sentient. A better term for your characters might be "hyper-intelligent".

Also, have you read the Mistmantle Chronicles? It's children's lit, not YA, but it features heroic (and non-comedic) squirrels.

kovirgw said...If you want to kill a squirrel, you don't shoot it; you run it over with a car. That's where the terrorists went wrong.

Once again, EE shows a knack for pointing out the major plot holes in a story.

Anonymous said...Um, folks, think the author was being serious. I'm not a big fan of animals dressed up in cloaks, tights or space suits but it does work. As Nitpicker said: see Mistmantle.

Nut said...Being a nut myself, I do have certain isues with squirrels... Wait a minute... The squirrels fight the humans? Yay, little guys! Down with THE MAN!!!!!!! Just sprinkle in some humour in the query, and try not to bite any of my kin, and we're cool.

illiterate said...I hate to tell an author what to do, but... you REALLY should put in that "Villainous conspirator" dialogue. With EE's permission of course. Its the bomb!

noir said...I just wanted to point out that this doesn't sound like a Young Adult novel - it sounds like very young middle grade fiction. YA novels are for teenagers.

Ellen said...Hi, evil minions - thank you so much for the feedback. And thank you, Evil Editor, for the groovy purple title. *beam*

It's not entirely serious, but it's certainly no spoof. And having thought up the muppetesque working title, I'm incapable of dreaming up anything else.

Why were the squirrels genetically engineered? Why not? There's not much that isn't being tinkered with right now.

Thank you mentioning Mistmantle: it looks good. I'll search the chronicles out next time I'm in the bookshop, which shouldn't be long.

Cathy said...My daughter is an avid reader of Young Adult fantasy novels. She has read Mistmantle. Aside from having my mother trying to hide the book from her (my mother is intolerant of squirrels), she thoroughly enjoyed it. My daughter is FAR more fond of animals than humans, and wants to know about their unlikely adventures. Carry on! You are brave to expose your work here.

Kanani said...I think if you include a giant orbiting acorn that would serve as some sort of speeding mothership, and also write a part named Bar for the actor Tim Allen, that you could pitch this to Disney. He, of course, would play Bar-Barossa, and the five month old squirrel would be played by either of the Wayans brothers.

EVIL EDITOR CLASSICS

2012-01-21T08:43:00.000-05:00

Guess the Plot

Stolen Pieces

1. When Allison is released from Rivercrest Mental Institution, she decides to piece the puzzle that is her life back together one memory at a time. But when she remembers that her husband left her for her sister, Allison decides it’s her turn to steal a few pieces.

2. Two friends die and go to heaven. St. Peter gives Chris a pass to come in, but tells Mike he must go to hell. Mike grabs Chris's pass and uses it to demonstrate his skill with scissors. St. Peter is unimpressed.

3. They don't call him Casanova Krebs for nothing! In this tale of high adventure, follow our hero as he impersonates the paying customers at an expensive brothel.

4. Suspicion naturally falls on a community of tree-dwellers when there is a break-in at the Reeses factory.

5. It had taken Diana a year and a half to finish the 5000-piece puzzle of one of Jackson Pollack's paintings. Finished, that is, except for the three pieces her obnoxious neighbor walked off with yesterday, and Diana is determined to get them back, no matter what the cost.

6. In the fast-paced world of extreme chess, almost anything goes. Lucas Boesky claws his way to Grand Masterhood, but is it through his skill or his telekinetic powers?

Original Version

Dear Agent’s First and Last name,

Do you ever wonder why people act like your friend to your face when in fact they are your worst enemy? [I can think of worse things for my worst enemy to do than treat me like I'm his best friend. Torture and murder come to mind.] Mike and Chris are what appears to be the best of friends throughout their lives. Mike and Chris pass away and meet St. Peter at the pearly gates to see where they will spend all of eternity. St. Peter informs Chris that he was a good person throughout his entire life, then is granted a pass into heaven. On the other hand, St. Peter tells Mike that he was a mean person who abused his friendship with Chris. Mike is then banished to hell for all eternity. [This is sounding like a standard Pearly Gates joke. Example:

A couple are killed in a car crash on the way to their wedding. At the Pearly Gates they ask St. Peter if they can get married in Heaven. St. Peter says, "I don't know. I'll find out," and leaves. Months pass. While waiting, they wonder, What if it doesn't work out? Eventually, St. Peter returns.
St. Peter: Yes, you can get married in Heaven.
Man: Great! But if things don't work out, can we also get a divorce?
(St. Peter slams his clipboard down.)
Woman: What's wrong?
St. Peter: It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have any idea how long it'll take to find a lawyer?]

Feeling bad for Mike, Chris gives him a piece of the pass to heaven. [It's a little souvenir Mike can take with him to hell, to remind him, as he's burning in the fire lake, how easy Chris has it.] While Chris isn’t looking, Mike steals another piece by cutting the pass. [With the scissors he happens to have with him.] Now, Mike has more of the pass than Chris. [Uh oh. I wonder if St. Peter is gonna fall for this. Are Chris and Mike twins?] St. Peter asks to see the pieces [, having already forgotten which guy he gave the pass to]. First, St. Peter opens Chris’s pass. Chris’s piece opens into a cross. St. Peter tells Chris that he still gets to go to heaven. [Whereas, if the pass had opened into a triangle, Chris would have been sent to hell. I had no idea the criteria for entrance to Heaven were so arbitrary. Gotta work on my origami skills before it's too late.] Next, St. Peter opens Mike’s pieces. Mike’s pieces are slowly opened and spell out the word “hell”. Mike’s evil, deceitful behavior lead to his own demise. [Technically, he was already destined for hell, so what did he have to lose? You're not saying all he had to do to get into heaven was not try to trick St. Peter, are you?]

This isn’t your classical “good” verus [virus] “evil” picture book story. [Hey that would make a good kid's book. There's a virus and a picture book and it turns out the virus is good and the picture book is evil, teaching that you can't judge a book by its cover.] Stolen Pieces is an interactive [evil] picture book for children [Unless you're sending this to an agent who handles nothing but children's picture books, you might mention this up front. Otherwise it might be rejected before they get to the part about it being for kids.] and is appropriate for ages three to eight. [Three? Who would tell a three-year-old that there's a chance she'll spend eternity in a pit of fire? She'll have nightmares for a decade and then spend her adult life in therapy.] Children enjoy stories that invite them to participate. By carefully folding a piece of paper, children can actually cut the pieces of the pass as the story unravels. [Does this mean we have to trust a three-year-old with scissors?] Chris’s piece of the pass opens into a cross. Mike’s pieces of the pass spells out the word “hell”. [We know, we know.] [Can't you make the paper unfold into a pitchfork or something? Do you want to be reading to your three-year-old, and you unfold the pass and magically it says "HELL!" and bursts into flames? Sure, it's not as bad as unfolding the paper to find the "F" word, but do you want your three-year-old running around yelling the "H" word and telling her friends they're going to burn for eternity if they abuse her friendship?] [If Mike had made one more cut, his pieces would have spelled "hello," Chris's would have read 666, and the outcome would have been vastly different.] A sequel is in the making. [In the sequel, an army private gets orders to spend two years in Germany, but in a drunken celebratory stupor he folds his orders in quarters and makes three cuts with a pair of scissors. When the paper is opened up, it spells "Afghanistan."]

I am a fan of the work you have represented. I hope to work with you in the future. I have enclosed the manuscript of STOLEN PIECES for which I am seeking representation, a demonstrational cut out of the pass that accompanies the story, [which is legitimate and redeemable for entrance to Heaven at the actual Pearly Gates,] and several summaries of picture book texts that are available upon request. [Several summaries of picture book texts? What picture books?] I look forward to hearing from you. Thank you in advance for your time and consideration. [Four of the five sentences in this paragraph are blah spacewasters. Get rid of at least two of them.]

Sincerely,

Revised Version

Stolen Pieces is an interactive Christian picture book. Mike and Chris have been friends throughout their lives. They pass away and meet St. Peter at the Pearly Gates to learn where they will spend eternity. St. Peter praises Chris for being a good person, and gives him a pass into Heaven. St. Peter tells Mike that he was a mean person who secretly abused his friendship with Chris. Mike is banished to hell for all eternity.

Feeling bad for Mike, Chris gives him a piece of the pass to Heaven. While Chris isn’t looking, Mike steals another piece by cutting the pass. Now, Mike has more of the pass than Chris. St. Peter asks to see the pieces. First, St. Peter opens Chris’s pass. It opens into a cross. Next, St. Peter opens Mike’s pieces. Mike’s pieces spell out the word “hell." Mike’s deceitful behavior has foretold his own demise.

I have enclosed the manuscript of Stolen Pieces, and a demonstrational cut-out of the pass that accompanies the story. Children can cut the pieces of the pass as the story unravels, obtaining the same results Chris and Mike do in the story.

Thank you in advance for your time and consideration.

Sincerely,

Notes

How old are Mike and Chris? 10? 90? I can see kids being less interested in old men, but I can also see kids not wanting to read about kids who died.

The cutout is, no doubt, ingenious, but I worry about attempts to scare people into being good. Then again, I suppose it could be argued that that's the whole idea behind most religions.

Selected Comments

whitemouse said...I'm not familiar with what's acceptable in the Christian market, but this sure seems like a grim book to give kids. I agree with EE that I think this would scare children, rather than encourage them to embrace their religion.

Is it explained at all what Mike did to be judged a bad person? If Mike isn't clearly a jerk (and why would Chris be his lifelong friend if he is? Is Chris an idiot? Spineless?), then you might leave kids really frightened about what sorts of behaviour could dump them in hell. If Mike's background isn't discussed, judgement might seem arbitrary.

To echo EE again, do you want to encourage kids to love God, or fear Him? By the sound of things, the book is leaning toward the latter.

Anonymous said...There's enough scary stuff in the real world without freaking them out with a bedtime story.

GutterBall said...How about the engineer that Lucifer cunningly seduces into Hell to brighten up the place? The fellow turns the sulfurous rock into sturdy highrise apartments and creates a heat conduction system to the Lake of Fire for air conditioning -- which also doubles as a water purifying system, the brine from which they use to salt the lovely array of foods they can now grow.

So Lu calls God on the phone to gloat his great good fortune, and God gets mad.

"You can't have engineers down there! That's against the Covenant! I'll sue!"

Lu snorts. "Yeah, right. Where are You gonna get a lawyer?"

December Quinn said..."Gather 'round, my little ones. Mommy's going to read you a wonderful story about two children, just like you, who die before they even get out of grade school and one of them gets a pass that sends him straight to the pit of eternal hellfire and agony. Let's see what your pass says, darling! "Oh...looks like you're going to hell, too...Sweet dreams."

Anonymous said...I am sure the cutouts are clever, but maybe you could work the idea into a murder mystery or something else.

judy said...A kid that age cannot grasp the concepts you're talking about here and they are sure to misinterpret and end up with some crazy ideas about heaven and hell. Now, as an adult comedy, maybe.

marie-anne said...When I was about 7 I got sent to Sunday School. They told me all about hell and crucifiction. I had nightmares for weeks. I never had to go again. This is right up there with that. I guess the author believes that children should be submissive and afraid, the better to control them.

HawkOwl said...I would never consider it appropriate for any child of mine to read such a simplistic take on Good and Evil. There doesn't seem to be any kind of depth or moral to it. Mike is good, Chris is bad, they die, Mike is still good, Chris is still bad, then it turns out in a surprising twist that... Mike is good and Chris is bad. How is a kid to learn anything from this?

acd said...Oh, wow. Shady theology aside, this concept blows. And I'm a fundamental Christian with a lot of little nieces--your target audience. Test this with a kids' pastor (not the one at your own church, someone who doesn't have to see you every week after dissing your book) and offer to try it out in a Sunday school class. Responses may be different than you expect.

Jimbo said...ok, the theology and the appropriateness aside, what I really want to know is what Chris hoped to accomplish by giving Mike part of his pass? And what's with the passes? Does St. Peter not just let you in directly? Do you have to go somewhere else and give them your pass and THEN you get in? Do you get your hand stamped so that you can go outside to smoke? Was David Byrne right? Is heaven a bar? I'm actually really sort of intrigued by the whole paper pass to heaven thing.

Anonymous said...I think an adult comedy based on this concept would be great, especially with jimbo's idea thrown in...Heaven's a bar! St. Peter as the bouncer, only Mike doesn't get in because he doesn't have a collared shirt...so he steals pieces of Chris' pass to fashion a collar.

Anonymous said...Although it looks original at first glance, I remember a similar device from my Sunday School classes 30 years ago. Sister Augustine would give each of us a colored square of paper and a pair of round-nosed scissors and demonstrate how to cut. You had to pay attention. When we opened out the paper, some of us got the message "You're Going to Hell." Others got the message "You're Going Straight to Hell." Eventually they had to let Sister Augustine go.

writtenwyrdd said...I like the pop up/cut out idea, but it's got a big drawback: It's a one-time deal. You can't put the paper back together. So, unless you want this for ephemera like a church handout, I'm not sure the clever idea will be a selling point.

Pete Tzinski said...My kids will have enough problems being influenced by all those evil things such as rock and roll, video games, movies....um....you know, long hair, stuff like that. That's enough without having to protect them against picture books.

Gerri said...When I read "guess the plot" I snorked over number two, thinking that EE had outdone himself on that one. Welcome, kidlet, to the "Fear of God!" (tm, all rights reserved by someone out there, I'm sure.) Gotta get them started early, right?

Anonymous said...I was reared in a fundamentalist church where I WAS exposed to that idea at such a tender young age... and at 45 still have nightmares now and again.
The notion of hell is silly. To put it forth to children in a pop-up picture book is sinful.
Although I do kinda like the idea of the set up as an adult comedy... the "good guy" could go to hell, the "bad guy" could go to heaven, hilarity and life lessons ensue, and in the end, it all dissolves as the metaphor that heaven & hell really are and they get reincarnated.

jimbo said...I dunno, the whole "Jesus is love" thing gets a lot of PR, but the Jesus of the Sermon on the Mount is only one side. Jesus gets quite a few lines about damnation, too. He's not just a happy hippie, he's also a pretty bad-ass fulfillment of scary Hebrew prophecies. As recorded in both Matthew and Luke, he condemns a whole city--women, children, everyone--to hell: And thou, Capernaum, which art exalted unto heaven, shalt be brought down to hell: for if the mighty works, which have been done in thee, had been done in Sodom, it would have remained until this day.

Mazement said...This story sounds vaguely familiar. I think I heard it from my uncle, or maybe one of the kids at school. I think I was in middle school; so somewhere in the 8-12 demographic. It went over pretty well; it's a clever trick, and I saw Hell as more of a comic-book thing than something I should be seriously worried about.

But like everybody says, it would be wasted on the 3-8 demographic. You'd at least need to be able to read the word "Hell" to appreciate the joke. And it would make an awfully thin book for the 8-12 crowd; you'd need to find a lot more material to pad it out.

Oh, I just found the story on-line. (PDF file, see figure 6.) That's a one-cut version of the trick, but if you omit the last fold, you can do it as the two-cut trick the author describes.

http://theory.lcs.mit.edu/~edemaine/papers/FoldCut_G4G5/paper.pdf

Dan Lewis said...I've seen the cutout done with a piece of notebook paper. It was cool for about ten minutes when I was eight. It turns out there are at least two algorithms to produce many interesting shapes by folding a paper as many times as you like, then making only one straight cut. They call it computational origami.

shelby said...Actually the thing that bothers me is the idea of the sequel. What exactly is the sequel going to be about? Does Mike get redeemed in the end? Because if he does, that should go into book #1. With children's picture book series, each book is a self-contained story that can be read without having read the previous or following books--basically a "further adventures of Mike and Chris" kind of thing. Any sequel that relies on previous knowledge is problematic for picture-book reading kids. Of course, this is assuming that that's what you want your sequel to be about. Who knows.

Anonymous said..."Christian" theology does vary, but most versions teach that you get to heaven by having faith that Jesus died for your sins, NOT because you were a good person. You go to hell because you didn't believe, NOT because you were a bad person. So this story strikes me as simply bizarre. (As an atheist I might point out that we'll all be going... nowhere.) It also strikes me as morally bankrupt to tell children they should be good in order to get a reward, instead of being good for its own sake.

Yahzi said...I knew a woman who was a very rational, reasonable person. She had also been raised in one of those hard-core sects, that taught that all children who die before the age of six automatically go to heaven.

She told me that she remembers being 5 years and nine months old, standing on a street corner, and thinking about stepping in front of a speeding truck. Yes: she was rational enough at that age to understand the value of a guaranteed ticket to heaven, and childish enough to actually believe what adults said.

This is why Sam Harris argues that even soft, liberal religions are bad for society. Because not all adults are capable of recognizing the difference between nudge-nudge-wink-wink truth and real truth. And the notion of confusing a child with this grown-up play-acting is as sick as the notion of introducing children to S&M role-playing sex games.

Mazement said..."Broken Pieces" isn't really all that instructive in terms of theology. It's more a story about cosmic irony: Chris and Mike are conspiring to beat the system, but they wind up back where they started.

Yahzi said...Since the only value of this thread is Heaven jokes, here's my favorite: An avid golfer dies, goes to Heaven, and is delighted to discover that Paradise is a 9 million hole golf course.

He's out doing a round with St. Peter, when he sees a figure in the distance, attempting to hit an impossible 900 yard shot over a deep canyon onto a green the size of a dinner plate.

"Who the heck does that guy think he is?" exclaims the golfer. "Jesus Christ?"

"It is Jesus," answers St. Peter. "He thinks he's Jack Nicklaus."

Daisy said...Moving ever so slightly back towards the topic here, I thought I'd offer some suggestions to the author about the book:

Part of the problem seems to be the severity of Mike's punishment, and the idea of giving kids a book about death. So, how about if instead of having Mike and Chris die, instead they meet a stranger/child/talking sheep, who Chris helps but Mike doesn't, and who then gives Chris the paper that will get him into Heaven? The story can proceed as before, but instead of it ending with Mike facing eternal damnation, he's instead humbled by Chris's forgiveness and learns that you can't cheat your way into heaven, and decides to be a better person. Not exactly a brilliant story , I know, but I think that something along those lines might have more in the way of themes (forgiveness, learning) that Sunday-school teachers want to get at.

writtenwyrdd said...Daisy's idea is along the lines of what I was thinking the author could do to move this piece to a more child-friendly tone. And since these seem to be really short, I also think you might want to have more than one parable-like story in the volume, unless you really want the entire audience to be pre-K or no older than 7.

Anonymous said...I read this story on line. It is cute. I would read it to my child. All Dogs go to Heaven deals with death and heaven and hell. My child loves that movie.

I think that the comments some of you made were based on ignorance and they were immature - grow-up! You missed the whole point of the story.

Tribal Elder said...What point?

HawkOwl said...Ahhhh... Always such a breath of fresh air when someone posts anonymously about the rest of us being immature.

jimbo said...What is the whole point? I'm not trying to be captious here--I think that the comments reflect the fact that we weren't sure what point was being made. I think it seemed to a lot of us as though the story suggested a God whose chief characteristic is a rather whimsical punitive streak. Combine that with a character whose "motiveless malignity" doesn't make him into a grand villain, but more a pitiable narrative necessity and a good guy whose final good deed is utterly inexplicable (what does he hope to achieve by ripping up his ticket?) and we are left with a great deal of confusion about what, precisely, the point is meant to be, either from a literary or a theological perspective.

I, for one, welcome enlightenment.

MaryAnnTheRest said...One day St. Peter goes to God and says, "There are 20 New Yorkers at the Pearly Gates."

"Twenty New Yorkers in Heaven?" God says. "That's unlikely. Well, go back and send them along to me."

Soon St. Peter is back to God, crying, "They're gone!"

"What?" God said, "the New Yorkers are gone?"

"No, the Pearly Gates!"

Feedback Request

2012-01-20T14:44:00.003-05:00

Anew version of the query featured in Face-Lift 982 has been posted in the comments there. The author awaits your reaction.

Face-Lift 983

2012-01-20T09:47:00.002-05:00

Guess the Plot

Flesh and Steel

1. The sociopath known as the Butcher of Kafran-Helai falls in love with a local villager, and has second thoughts about creating an army of robot werewolves to overrun the village.

2. Lois Lane once got goose-flesh just thinking about her hunky man of steel. Turns out his feet are cold as ice, he's too heavy to be on top, and she can't friggin' breathe when he hugs her. Also, grabbing a magazine and announcing "I'm off to the Fortress of Solitude" was only funny the first hundred times.

3. There's a war. People die. There's a plague. More people die. There's a smith and a doctor. They philosophize about life, do business, and die to the ZOMBIE HORDES!!!!!!

4. Jerome, lives in a world of science. He switches places with his alternate reality self who lives in a world of magic. They're both happy until they find out their universes are now colliding. If they destroy technology in both universes will they be able to stay where they are?

5. Vegas show promoter Roxy has what she thinks is the perfect concept for a new act: naked sword fighting. Rehearsals soon prove that the idea is not without a few hitches.

6. Afflicted with a rare bone disease, Charles Garvin agrees to an experimental treatment in which his bones are replaced by steel rods. He decides to become a superhero known as Captain Steel, but it turns out he weighs so much he can't even get out of his hospital bed.

Original Version

Sfanior thought she was going to be killed when she [added a silent "f" to her name so that no one could spell or pronounce it.] demanded the Butcher of Kafran-Helai stop stealing and desecrating her village’s dead. [When someone named the Butcher of Kafran-Helai comes into my village, I'm overjoyed to find he wants only the dead.] [Take our dead; they're obstructing goat-cart traffic anyway.] Instead, the sociopathic and strangely charismatic Friché merely imprisoned her in a castle maintained by automatons, patchwork combinations of human, animal, and machine. [Robot werewolves.] Despite Friché’s difficulty grasping concepts like respect for the dead, Sfanior is drawn to her. [This sociopath may have fed my dead father to his hogs, but I'm a sucker for anyone with the "it" factor.] Compared to the stuffy rules and stifling traditions of the village, life in Friché’s castle is freedom. [Except when the moon is full and the robot werewolves run amok.] Sfanior soon finds her growing feelings eclipsing her desire to defend her home, especially when Friché finally returns her love. [Question for discussion: Did Clarisse ever return Hannibal Lecter's love?]

Sfanior is ready to turn her back on her former kith and kin when Friché receives a client who offers her a job. Make that a noble from the capital, who offers the very secret assignment of creating an army of automatons for the queen. Friché is overjoyed, but Sfanior is suspicious (why approach the Butcher, of all people?) [Wait, Friché is the Butcher? Am I the only one that wasn't clear to? I thought she was one of the Butcher's minions.] [I guess I'm just not used to women being nicknamed the Butcher of Anywhere.] [Also, whaddaya mean, Why approach the Butcher? The Butcher has a castle full of automatons, and thus seems like the obvious person to approach if you want an army of automatons. My question is, How do you keep your assignment secret when it involves creating an army of anything? There's a reason Hobbits didn't often travel to Mordor. Word quickly got around that there was an army of Orcs being created.] and she cannot help feeling abandoned when the work sucks up all of Friché’s time. [Hey, when you fall for a sociopath, the price you pay is having to play second fiddle to her "work."] Her suspicions are soon realized when she discovers how the client intends to tie up loose ends once the job is done – with an execution. [I can live with the fact that you've hired my lover to create an army of robot werewolves that will destroy my home village, but I will not stand for an execution.]

As Friché draws [Withdraws?] further into herself and the noble’s threat hangs over her head, Sfanior has to decide what is most important: her kin and kingdom, or her love.

FLESH AND STEEL is a romantic fantasy of 60,000 words.

Thank you for your time and consideration,

Notes

Can't Friché program/train the army of robot werewolves to protect her from the noble if he should betray her?

Usually people who have armies aren't that interested in villages. They want to attack other kingdoms. Is it her village that Sfanior wants to defend from the army of robot werewolves?

Also, usually in a romantic fantasy, neither of the people who are in love is a sociopath creating an army of robot werewolves. It may be difficult for readers to root for the heroine to live happily ever after with someone known as the Butcher of Kafran-Helai.

What I'm saying is I'm sure in the book the Butcher has a softer side, but that needs to come across in the query if you're going to describe the book as romantic.

Happy Birthday, Edgar Allan Poe

2012-01-19T22:42:00.003-05:00

If you were hoping to read lots of Poe-inspired writing exercises today (see Writing Exercise, January 10), sorry, no one submitted one. But here for your viewing pleasure is a film made from an earlier Poe exercise.

New Beginning 918

2012-01-19T09:08:00.003-05:00

Boone Dawson’s motorcycle rolled to a stop. He turned off the engine and gazed at the crooked sign in front of him. It had once belonged to a suburban shopping center. Now, it was covered in spray-painted letters.

“Hope City,” Boone read in a low voice. “What kind of fucking moron names their town Hope City?” Shaking his head, Boone turned the bike back on and maneuvered it carefully through an obstacle course of rubble. Twisted shards of metal, power poles, and old wooden planks littered the streets.

As Boone’s bike crawled it way toward the center of town, he spotted people huddled close together around small fires. Their clothes were ragged and covered in dirt. Their faces were devoid of hope. But all Boone cared about was what they were holding in their hands. He hadn’t eaten in days, and these people had no doubt found food among the rubble of this old Midwestern suburb.

The savory smell of canned meat filled Boone’s nostrils. He smiled. Canned meat. Boone hadn’t eaten canned meat in more than a year. Salivating, he dismounted from his bike and stepped deliberately toward the group. Rocks crunched beneath his heavy boots.

Memories of Sunday dinners at his grandparents' home flooded back. Potted meat food product. Pickled pig lips. Spam, of course. And on special occasions, pork brains in milk gravy.

To his surprise, the others welcomed him openly. Perhaps they recognized a kindred spirit; or safety in numbers. Boone joined them -- the six men and three women -- and crouched in front of the fire.

Gratefully, he took the offered portion, served up in the can that had kept it fresh for decades, and spooned some into his mouth. Moments later, he was retching the vile-tasting sludge onto the ground.

He couldn't understand how the others were enjoying this foul concoction, until he looked at the can.

Whiskas.

Preferred by nine out of ten post-apocalyptic survivors.

Opening: Ryan Mueller.....Continuation: anon.

Face-Lift 982

2012-01-18T00:00:00.013-05:00

Guess the Plot

Coming of the Dukebarr

1. Oh God...oh God... Oh GOD...Yes YES YEESSS!!

2. In a wild west inhabited by humans, giant trilobytes, and various aliens, a gang of renegade Martians terrorize Tombstone. But the town may be saved by the . . . Coming of The Dukebarr.

3. Cara is outraged. She's thirteen years old, and she still has to have a babysitter? She's old enough to be a babysitter! But her anger is quickly forgotten when the Dukebarr shows up.

4. On a distant world, the dominant habitants have plundered the natural resources and driven the magnificent fauna to the edge of extinction. The last surviving Dukebarr pines for its recently deceased mate, from which only a few viable eggs could be harvested. If the species is to survive, it is up to Slaffus to gain the beast's trust. And a sample of its semen.

5. Angie needs a prince. What she gets is Dukebarr, a slobbery dog. Sure he claims to be an enchanted prince, can outwrestle dragons, command rats, and the harvest has tripled since he came. But Angie needs someone human to marry. Then she meets Earlpubb, the street sweep.

6. Everyone laughs at Joe for his obsession with aliens. But when the Dukebarr armada is spotted heading for Earth, Joe jams on his tinfoil hat and prepares to save the world.

Original Version

Dear Evil Editor,

Cara, a rebellious and stubborn thirteen year old, has recently decided that there is no Creator. Her beliefs, if discovered, are considered high treason and grounds for exile in her village. [Fortunately, she should be safe as long as she doesn't reveal her treasonous thoughts to the high priest or the apprentice priest or her father or her babysitter.] Desperate to protect his daughter, the High Priest of the village
assigns an apprentice priest to babysit his daughter and help recover her faith. [Having a babysitter when you're 13 is embarrassing enough, but...

Cara: It's time for American Idol.

Babysitter: Turn off the TV and open to Proverbs 3, Verse 5.

Cara: Before we start, let me get you some coffee. Arsen-- Er, cream and sugar?]

Needless to say, Cara isn’t pleased. But her anger is quickly forgotten when foretold signs of a coming apocalypse, the Dukebarr, begin to appear. [The Dukebarr? That word just doesn't have an apocalyptic ring to it. It sounds too much like jukebox. Put a quarter in the jukebox and play "Duke of Earl," Father.] [The thesaurus lists numerous synonyms for apocalypse: Armageddon, cataclysm, catastrophe, decimation, devastation,end of the world. Note that they all have four syllables. Even a made-up word for apocalypse is required to have four syllables. You can't express something apocalyptic in two syllables.]

Cara begins to question her beliefs as her society starts to crumble around her. [Just so I've got it straight, she was questioning her belief that there is a Creator, and she's now questioning her belief that there isn't a Creator?] When the Dukebarr finally arrives her village is devastated. The surviving townsfolk shelter in nearby caves, praying for redemption. Cara, however, realizes something is amiss. [So she's now questioning her belief that she was wrong to question her belief that . . . never mind.] How [Why] can no one remember the attack? Why do people have claw marks on their arms? [Invisible cat army. It's the only explanation that fits.] And why will no one believe her? [What is she saying now that no one will believe?] Cara is on a mission to discover the truth [Whatever the truth is, the book can only be improved if you make it an invisible cat army.] and rescue her village from further devastation, and she’s the only one who believes it’s possible. [Or at least that's what she believes today.]

COMING OF THE DUKEBARR is a completed 53,000 word fantasy for young adult readers. I have one published short story in Byline Magazine.

Thank you for your time and consideration.

Sincerely,

Notes

I wonder why O'Neill's play wasn't titled Coming of the Iceman.

Young adults tend to be in high school. I would think they'd rather read about kids older than 13. Is there a reason this isn't considered middle grade?

The setup paragraph does its job, but the next paragraph is general. What happened? Are they still in danger? What does Cara plan to do about it? Does she have any allies? Is there a villain? Give us specific information.

New Beginning 917

2012-01-17T08:14:00.007-05:00

Brian Armitage stepped out into the cold and muffled a cough with his fist. He told himself nothing was wrong, as he picked his way down the narrow concrete path, determined not to let the ice take his legs from under him in the darkness. When the door clicked shut behind him, he knew he should have turned and waved, but foremost in Brian’s mind was the need to urinate.

“Never use the bathroom,” was what Shrewsbury had told them, paraphrasing the manual. “That puts you at a disadvantage. It gives ‘em time to talk. Also, you’ll feel indebted: especially if you splash the carpet. You don’t want to feel indebted: it’s not conducive to business. You don’t want to give ‘em an edge.

"You can take a cup of tea, of course, that’s just being polite; and a biscuit’s OK, but never take the last one. Many a deal’s been lost over the last custard cream -- folks are funny like that.”

Shrewsbury wasn’t funny -- Shrewsbury was a prick. And Brian’s bathroom avoidance was less to do with sales tactics than it was a shy bladder: the thought that they might be out there listening to him pee would wrap itself constrictor-like around his urethra and make relief impossible.

Circling around his car, Armitage unzipped, and began urinating on the conveniently located rose bushes lining the driveway. His stream hissed as it vaporized in contact with the ice. He sighed with satisfaction, having emptied his bladder without soiling his clothing.

Armitage then returned to the front door, knocked twice -- Shrewsbury's recommended number for an immediate and expected return to a client's home (one knock possibly being interpreted as a clanging pipe and three as aggressive overkill) -- and said, upon being greeted, "Much better. Now...where were we?"

Opening: ril.....Continuation: Evil Editor

EVIL EDITOR CLASSICS

2012-01-16T10:06:00.004-05:00

This being the day of the Martin Luther King Jr. holiday in the US, it's only appropriate that we rerun this Face-Lift, whose comment trail erupted into a race war.

Also, fake plots and continuations needed, as well as openings and queries.

Guess the Plot

The Crystal Blade

1. For generations the warlike Karshai clan have pillaged and plundered their neighbors, armed with their dazzling crystal weapons. Until one day their rival clan invents steel . . .

2. By day she's Sally Jones, secretary of Ned Doorong, the CEO of Heinous Industries, a cartel selling heroin to fund the environment-destroying condo towers it builds for billionaires on artificial islands in the tropics. By night, she's Crystal Blade, the superhero who will bring this evil to an end -- if only she can get over her dyslexia and learn to trust Anton Wright, the dashing superspy from MI6.

3. When Tina fended off the annoyance of cousin Jerry by chucking Uncle Abner's crystal blade at him, it hit the wall and broke. Now she's cursed to sing everything she wants to say. Can she turn this curse into a blessing by launching a career in opera?

4. Zakthar has fought evil Lord Amgitt's army for years using the traditional weapons of the Arkfardel Guard; a natural bristle toothbrush, a pair of tongs and his mother's recipe for baked beans. Disillusioned with his lack of success, he seeks a manlier weapon. And scantily clad chicks.

5. A 14-year-old Texas boy is declared to be either an evil sorcerer who was long ago banished by the "Crystal Blade," or our prophesied savior. Believers of both theories spill into Texas. War ensues.

6. Long has the elven smith Singlodion laboured in the forges of Belegthrond to bring forth the Crystal Blade of the longsword Thaumiriel. When it becomes the shortsword Thaumiriel, and then the dagger Thaumiriel, Singlodion returns to the forges of Belegthrond, to explore the possibility of maybe using something besides glass next time.

Original Version

Dear Evil Editor:

When an African-American teen starts magically turning white, he's thrust into a war that will destroy our world unless he kills himself [in my alternate history novel, The Michael Jackson Story].

THE CRYSTAL BLADE is a hip-hop infused fantasy adventure inspired by Alice in Wonderland [Think "Jabberwocky," as a rap song.] and Finnegans Wake. [Finnegans Wake doesn't get read in numbers that would justify a publisher putting out something inspired by it. Thus I recommend claiming your book was inspired by another author who made up lots of words, but was more accessible: Dr. Suess.] Set in Texas during the 2008 presidential campaign, the 120,000-word novel centers on Howie Gryphon — savior of an enchanted world or a demon forced to be human.

Howie is 14 and fed up with hearing how he's "acting white" — then he starts turning white and gaining powers. [What kind of powers? Name the superhero whose powers most resemble Howie's. And please don't say Aquaman.] The deeply religious teen believes a demon has awoken inside him. With his soul and his sanity at risk, he realizes he can only stop the creature by killing himself. But fighting brings greater peril. [Drop that sentence. Not clear who's fighting whom or what it brings greater peril than.]

Howie's power draws rival factions vying for The Crystal Blade. That weapon banished a wicked sorcerer; [From where?] Howie's transformation means he is either that tyrant or a prophesied savior. As minions of those adversaries clash, Howie's ordeal leads their war to our world. [Where is their world?] [I'm tired of my Evil Minions never clashing with the minions of my adversaries. If you people wanna be my minions, I wanna see some clashing.]

THE CRYSTAL BLADE combines fantasy literature, fairy tales, and James Joyce's masterpiece [James Joyce again? You're not citing Joyce just so readers will think your punctuation and spelling errors are intentional, are you?] in a unique story about diversity. Exploring themes as sweeping as the history of math and the nature of magic, the book examines the changing American Dream, from classism in the black community to Christianity's fundamentalist-progressive schism. [Christ. And I thought Finnegans Wake was impenetrable.]

Fun without being farce, smart without being preachy, [You're supposed to be telling us what happens in your book, not reviewing it.] it answers a key question of modern society: What is morality in a world of diverse ideals? [Are all the key questions of modern society as vague as that one?]

This is the first book in THE RISEN KINGDOM series. I am a former journalist and current substitute teacher focused on his first novel. Thank you for your time.

Sincerely,

Notes

I want more about whose war is being brought to our world. Are the minions of those who think Howie's a savior and those who think he's a sorcerer both from somewhere other than Earth? Do they look like people? Does their war involve fighting with weapons in Texas? Do McCain and Obama take different sides in the war?

Put less time into setting up the situation and telling us the themes, and more into the actual plot.

Selected Comments

Steve Wright said...Comparing your book to an acknowledged classic of world literature is probably not a good idea. Comparing your book to a nearly unreadable acknowledged classic is definitely not a good idea.

I have no idea what the plot of your book is. Of course, if it really is like Finnegans Wake, I could read the whole thing and still have no idea, but never mind about that; the query is the place to give a basic outline of who does what and to whom and why.

So, I'd cut out all the stuff about how your book addresses sweeping themes and answers profound questions and cures cancer and promotes weight loss without dieting, and replace it with a simple description of what happens in the story.

Anonymous said...Forget the nonsense that I can't wade through without a LOT more caffeine. My gut reaction, and take it for what gut reactions are worth is:

I'm already offended. I would replace the word magically in reference to turning white. Strict definitions notwithstanding, magically in American culture and conversation tends to mean good, something fortuitous. So when you say magically turning white, it sounds to me like you're implying it's a good thing.

And second, if the powers he gains when he turns white are not good, say so. Otherwise, again, within the cultural context of race history in America, there is a subtext here that suggests that turning white confers good things. Power. Ability. You know, that kind of thing.

And I hope to God that turning white isn't part of his being a "prophesied savior."

Yikes.

Anonymous said...I have to agree - the fact that he's turning white rubs me the wrong way. I don't think that it was intended to imply anything negative about being non-white, but to me it seems very easy to take it that way.

I'm also having trouble understanding why turning white is so important. I get that it marks him as a tyrant or a savior, but I'm not understanding why.

I think if you clarified some more in your letter it would be a big help, both about that and about the plot of the war in general. More information would likely be useful here.

Joseph Lewis said...I have to agree , the basic racial premise sounds incredibly offensive. Turning a black character white is morally problematic in any context. But to say a black man has to turn white to become a super-powered savior is just plain racist.

Why can't a black man just wake up with magic powers and fight evil, like Harry Potter? Why does race have to play a part in this at all?

Najela said...Why does he have to turn white to save the world? I think the story would be so much better and more unique if he stayed black. But why does race even matter though? I'd say to take the racial angle out this story because just reading the query, the story might just offend quite a few people.

If race is an issue for your character and everything is hinged on it, you'd be better off just starting with someone who is white and save yourself the hassle of trying to be authentic without being racist...

Anonymous said...Sorry, but I have the same issues that many of the people here do. If you are writing about race issues, you need to show some sensitivity to them. While the novel may, your query doesn't. You lost my interest when the MC starts turning white and gains superpowers. Another issue is even if you get an agent and a contract the actual book would be published years and years AFTER the 2008 election. Alternate histories tend to work on somewhat remote history. IMHO, WWI is probably about as close in time as you can get. You might be better to set this on a fantasy planet or FAR in the future than in close modern times here on Earth.

I know very little about a 120,000 word story from your query. Stop trying to compare yourself to other works and just try to tell me what happens. There are skips in the logical progression of the story line because you don't give yourself enough room for it. I don't even know if Howie lives in a big city or some rural town. That's an important detail.

It seems like:
1)Howie's a typical 14 year old.
2)He's in a situation where other African American teens tease him about being an "OREO" but I have no idea why they'd tease him about this;
3) Howie's skin starts growing lighter;
4) Howie starts realizing that he gains some nebulous "power" the more his skin lightens;
5) he's deeply religious (because you tell me this even though I don't know what religion he is) and assumes he's being possessed by a demon - again I have no idea why he'd make this logic jump;
6) He assumes that if he doesn't kill himself, the world will end;
7) He doesn't kill himself;
8) Somehow there is this Crystal Blade thing;
9) Somehow Howie learns about the Blade and what it does;
10) His powers and the Blade are common knowledge so there are rival factions forming and fighting
11) Some how Howie decides he's either a tyrant or a savior; and
12) War comes to Earth as a result.

Try to make the story flow in the query as well it does in the book.
Good Luck.

_*Rachel*_ said...Who do you want us to fight, EE? I'll volunteer to lead a lawn flamingo task force. Does January 10 work?

My gut's telling me this whole changing races/colors thing could blow up in your face. Can you make him turn blue, or something with less racial connotations?

Joanna said...I can see why the other commentators are offended by the race part of the premise, and I can see that the story could be written in a way that implied that black is powerless and white is super-powerful (or that black is human and white demonic, which would offend a different set of people.) But it could be written in other ways. I think there are archetypal stories in which beings who are in between genders or races or species are conduits for spirit into the human world. I'd like to read this book. The combination of fairy tales, math and ruminations on race, class and religion sounds very intriguing.

By the way, does he end up white or in-between?

150 said...Whether Howie turns out to be a Magical Negro or Mighty Whitey, the premise is problematic. If you're using tropes with a wink, you'd better do more winking within the query text. Plot specificity might be your friend here.

blogless troll said...Wow, what a courageous open-minded group of writers willing to explore serious issues without barfing up pre-programmed politically correct knee jerk reactions.

I'm gonna go out on a limb and guess the author is probably trying to make A Point about race, but that he/she/the story isn't actually racist. But then again I have no idea what the story is, so maybe The Offended are right. Author, maybe if we can get a few more specifics about the story we would be better prepared in jumping to conclusions on whether or not we should lynch you.

Anonymous said...Blogless, grow up re: your purposely and preprogrammed provocative use of "lynch." Even though you, I'm sure, know that no one got lynched for playing into racial stereotypes, only for, you know, being a certain race.

I'm guessing the STORY probably isn't a racist work. But, and maybe this isn't clear after years of reading the blog, we were talking about the QUERY. Which was a turnoff. The phrasing led to images that I'm sure the author didn't intend. The suggestion was made to change them.

Or, as you call it, barfing up pc crap. Because we shouldn't really worry about racial insensitivity anymore, right?

blogless troll said...Blogless, grow up... That sounds like age discrimination. You should probably take a sensitivity class.

What cracks me up is when writers, who presumably depend on freedom of expression for a living, start trying to dictate what should and shouldn't be said because it might offend someone.

Anyway, author good luck with this. It's clear from your comments that whatever you come up with will be thoughtful.

Steve Wright said...Hmm. I have to agree with blogless about this one - it seemed to me that suddenly changing a character's ethnicity is something you can do, legitimately, in a fantasy story, if you really want to throw him/her off-balance and question his/her identity. (A sex change has a very similar effect.)

And I don't think that making that change necessarily says anything generic about the character's race before or after. I think people may be reading in stuff which isn't intended, here.

I'm much more concerned about the absence of story information in the query, and the presence of far too much hype about how wonderful the book is. I'd fix those issues first, and then worry about the race stuff.

Dave F. said...Gee, this author stepped into the lion's den.

What to do?
What to do?

Obviously, this version of the query didn't work. I won't repeat what was said above.

Perhaps: At fourteen, Howie Gryphon is growing and changing unlike any other kid on the block. He wants to be a rap star but he might become a demon dictator and take over the world. Either way, puberty is not being kind to Howie Gryphon.

Start with Howie and tell his story. Don't bring in race or metaphysics or philosophy or religion unless you absolutely have to bring it up.

Think about what we've seen and read about Harry Potter. He was the cute, nerdy 11 year old, impossibly stupid around girls, geeky and adorable in the first few books. It wasn't until several volumes into the story that the plot itself got dark and scary. And you aren't going to get philosophically darker than reincarnating Voldemort in the Goblet of Fire. No kid is going to read that as a first book. The final two books -- Half-Blood Prince and Deathly Hallows are adult tales. Harry's not a kid anymore. He's going to kill Voldemort and the various pieces of Voldemort any way he can. That's cold and ruthless no matter how it is dressed up.

When people who haven't read or seen Harry ask me what it is all about, I tell them it is a tale about the goodness of family, of losing family (an orphan) and gaining family and what that means. That's why HP is compelling. The main theme from start to finish is family. The reader adopts the orphan Harry and cares for him.

That's what you have to do with Howie Gryphon in the query.

I have a feeling that you (the author) are thinking, but this is an adult story of sweeping philosophical and metaphysical ideas. Well, it might be and it might well be the next Finnegan's Wake. But let me ask the ugly question -- what adult is going to pick it up and read it for that reason?

Think about pitching "The Handmaid's Tale" or the last book we discussed "Devil's Cape" -- they are adult fantasies and they are pitched to adult audiences. Try lines of thought like those to create the query.

The tie in with the 2008 Election might make it alternate history (what if something else historical happened?) but you don't play up that aspect in the current query. The parallel to the election of the first African-American to the office of President of the USA while an African American 14 year old begins a battle with demonic forces to take over the world, is a good hook. Think about that line of thought.

Author said... hear me out, i do appreciate the critique. part of my reason for submitting this here was because i wondered how a mostly white audience (and i assume here, but the folks with the pictures are all white) would react to the race part being so upfront in the query. the reaction was interesting but not wholly unexpected, i just wanted to see if i was reading too much into my own misgivings. and i am african american, by the way.

to be quite honest, i'm really surprised by how much was read into the changing of race/making a statement about the worth of a person angle. the idea is that a character has white skin in a fantasy world but is sent to our world, where his skin has been changed. as his true self begins to awaken, his skin changes back to its original hue. race plays a big part in the book precisely because it is so controversial and, i thought, would be interesting to play with all the notions presented: the magic negro, mighty whitey, white devils, etc., without doing so in a farcical manner because the farce and being funny too often overshadows the examination of the issue.

the idea that "magically" implies "goodness" strikes me as odd. i've never come across that idea: what about vampires and werewolves and whatnot? people are turned magically but the transformation is not automatically thought of as good, and usually is seen as evil. hell, ursula leguin had a series, i think, in which people could change sexes, why not race?

i think lots of folks are still uncomfortable with race and that sets people off, which is what i wanted to gauge by submitting.

the idea is actually about exploring this weird notion of certain color= certain value; it just struck me how so many folks are willing to go with people turning into angels and turning out to be aliens, but changing the race is "morally problematic." howie's name pays homage to john howard griffin, a white man who changed his race to black to experience southern life in the 1950s and wrote about it in "black like me." that he could do so in real life and be seen as courageous but to do so in a fantasy novel and it be viewed as morally problematic is strange.

why can't he be like harry potter and just find out he has power is simple: he is not harry potter; and in a broader sense, that is the whole problem that african americans have with the country, that the way things happen for whites is not the way they happen to african americans; just giving a black kid powers and letting him have fun ignores the issues that being black creates (thereby ignoring what it means to be "black:" to stay with the harry potter theme, imagine if harry is black and a great quidditch player. european soccer fans act crazy toward great soccer players with darker skin, to ignore that idea for the magic equivalent if harry is black is to ignore a big part of the "black" experience, see?) and that should be explored.

on another note, i've noticed that many of the submissions here read more like synopsises than queries, at least as i understand a synopsis. what would be the difference between the two? for example, EE's question about "powers," how much description is needed? keeping with the harry potter theme, you'd just say he learned he was the most powerful wizard of all, not delineate his various magical abilities, i would think.

the stuff about themes and not being farce goes to something i read here, in which it's said that agents want to see this kind of summation.

he actually ends up half/half.

and thanks, dave f., you were most helpful. i actually have a synopsis written that starts: Howie Griffin plans to serve God even if it means becoming a demon. A friend said that might should be the start of the query, i'd hoped the race thing wouldn't throw too many folks but maybe it does.

i'm also wondering about the length of the query. i thought the goal was saying who is facing what and what are the stakes, which i thought were fairly clear if the race uproar is overlooked. i know someone said they didn't get it but then described it precisely, so that confused me. was the set up not clear (ignoring one's feelings about race)?

you know, i am at least glad no one said they preferred one of the other ideas to this one and stayed pretty focused on me. i'm not seeking controversy but do recognize that the story can generate questions and force people to start talking openly about race and whatnot.

i hadn't thought i'd compared the book to any novel or classic literature. i don't equate "inspired by" as "compared to." "the looking glass wars" were inspired by alice in wonderland, but i don't think anyone thought the guy was claiming to be compared to the earlier work. is that how it comes across? i really do wonder if folks were so offended by what they thought they read that they ignored the stuff that was in there. in particular, steve wright's first response about saying who does what to whom and why seemed pretty succinct: howie fights what he thinks is a demon and by doing so attracts an otherworldly war to earth. the otherworldly wasn't in there, but i thought it implied.

i didn't like a sentence i wrote in the first response about what if harry potter was african american, so to put it more clearly:

european soccer fans can be really racist in taunting black opposing players. quidditch is the soccer equivalent in the hp world, so if harry were black, it would be reasonable that having is notoriety would prompt some racist comments hurled his way. and if that didn't happen, it seems to ignore an experience that a black soccer player might have that the whites don't; at that point, why have the character be black to begin with?

also, EE, i note your comments but didn't get a feel for how the race approach struck you.

Evil Editor said...It takes no more space to tell us whether the character has all the powers of Superman (or is merely mildly psychic), than it does to tell us he has developed powers. Specificity is always more interesting than generality.

The length of the query should be a page. No need to fill it entirely if you can say everything in less, but I want enough plot to get me hooked. A query is a business letter that includes a brief synopsis. I prefer about 8 - 10 sentences of plot but others have their own ideas. It can include credits, but unimpressive credits aren't worth including. I know of no one who wants the author's opinion of the book included.

In this query I want more about what happens after the fantastical characters show up. You've just set up the situation in which that happens with no follow-through.

I didn't even notice a possible race issue; I tend to focus on whether the writing is strong and whether the query is making the plot sound ridiculous. So while I did think you needed to make a better connection between your character and the presidential election campaign (or to just not mention the campaign), I didn't get the impression your character's life was made better by becoming white.

BuffySquirrel said...Oh, please, let's not present Harry Potter as some example of excellent character building. His character is psychologically completely wrong for what he's supposedly gone through. This could be an interesting story but the references to Joyce are off-putting. Saying you're combining his masterpiece in your novel makes it sound derivative.

Author said...actually, thanks to this critique, i may be realizing that the original idea of using finnegans wake and the race change may no longer be necessary.

and actually, buff squirrel, i think harry potter is probably the best view of a psychopath as he pictures himself. always angry and feels justified in doing anything he pleases (cheating, lying, etc.) because he has been so wronged and he alone knows what is right, etc., etc. i watch the movies and think "this could easily be ted bundy's view of himself."

Dave F. said...You have wonderful bits to assemble into a query...

1. Howie Griffin plans to serve God even if it means becoming a demon.

2. Howie fights what he thinks is a demon and by doing so attracts an otherworldly war to earth.

3. Howie originally had white skin in the fantasy world but is sent to our world as a baby, where his skin has been changed. As his true self begins to awaken, his skin changes back to its original hue.

Those three things make your story happen.

Author said...i thought i saw a policy on resubmitted a query but can't find it anywhere now. what is the policy?

and thanks, dave f. i heard a phrase "kill your darlings" when it comes to writing, i'm finally understanding what it means. all the cool-to-me stuff may need to be jettisoned.

Portuguese cunt said...Howie Gryphon (really, does the last name have to be spelled like a mythical creature?). Any newbie author that compares his work to a bona-fide classical work is probably going to go straight in the trash. I was trying to tell this to another newbie author who insisted that his book was just like "Catcher in the Rye". Not good.

I think that "turning white" is a little weird. What does it have to do with the story? Plus, I saw that show last week, it's called the "Sammy Sosa Lifetime Movie".

I think it's a dumb plot device and a peculiar way to attract attention. Considering the publishing fiasco over Larbaleister's "Liar" cover this year, I think that themes like this are an unwise decision for a first-time author.

_*Rachel*_ said...As we've just demonstrated here, the simplest thing can be misread or overinterpreted, making things uncomfortable in the extreme. Racism has a stigma akin to a certain brand of fascism, so rather than risk associating myself with either, I'll bow out of the conversation, or at least ruthlessly self-edit what I say and write. There's a reason my Underground Railroad-inspired fantasy WIP doesn't describe my charries' looks.

sylvia said...Um.....Am I really watching a bunch of white people telling a black author that his handling of his black character is offending them?

I can understand pointing out that the line in question might be a red flag for some people or that the reference made you uncomfortable. I can even see why some people jumped to the conclusion that turning white was depicted as positive within the context of the novel (although the query most certainly didn't say that).

But do people really feel it is reasonable for white people to tell non-white authors how they should deal with race issues?

part of my reason for submitting this here was because i wondered how a mostly white audience (and i assume here, but the folks with the pictures are all white) would react to the race part being so upfront in the query.

Well, I guess you found out. Sorry about that?

sylvia said...I was shocked to see the comments as I did not feel that the query was racist. I presumed that the author was making a point about racial issues - great! Political correctness does not mean pretending that race doesn't exist. However, it is clear that the premise needs to be handled very carefully in the query and I can see how some people made a jump from "turning white & superpowers" to "white is better". A lot of this would be irrelevant if the author told us more about the character and the details of the conflict, rather than the book as a whole.

I like Dave F's example intro - make Howie more important than his colour.

Also, I'd like to reassure the author that magical does not generally imply good within the Fantasy genre in my experience.

I'm looking forward to seeing the rewrite.

Author said...actually, now i'm at a bit of a crossroads.

the uproar got me to thinking that i could nix the race-change from the novel and focus on an african american kid, but as i think on it this morning, the whole sammy sosa, michael jackson, et. al. references are exactly my point: if a black guy lightens his skin tone, people start making all these assumptions and those assumptions have never been addressed in a novel, fantasy or otherwise, to my knowledge. isn't that exactly what people are always clamoring about: give us something new and unique?

so my problem now becomes, if stating the premise directly (african american kid's skin starts getting lighter because of a magical force) causes people to assume racism, what better manner is there to use when the issues and themes related to that change -- that very idea of racism -- are exactly the things i want to look into ( i mean, hell, we're talking everything from white guilt to black classism to the stigma felt by folks with diseases that change skin pigment, to the celebrity questions of mj and sammy sosa, that's stuff that makes for fascinating reading and, apparently, discussion).

as sylvia points out, and for which i thank her because i had thoughts along the same lines this morning, how can i help what people read into something that isn't expressed in any way in the query. if i had written that a cat magically turns into a dog, i doubt anyone would think i was saying one was better than the other; and i wonder, having a commenter make that leap so early in the discussion has clouded the view of the premise. focusing on howie (which i thought i had, mentioning his dislike of being told he's acting white - and someone wondered why that would be offensive to him, to be called an oreo, when the "acting white" phrase is taken from michelle obama when she told school kids how she used to be made fun of) doesn't let me skip the hook of the thing, namely that an african american's skin is getting lighter by non medical means and it's affecting his life.

oh, and someone asked about his last name not being a mythical creature. john howard gryphon's name is actually just that, i thought it a nice coincidence to make reference to a white guy who cosmetically altered his race to explore race relations in the 1950s in a fantasy novel using a fantastic creature.

Evil Editor said...

Of course there's a difference between a black kid's skin getting lighter and and a black kid turning into the alien being he was to begin with. Does he look like a human when he's in his original form?

Author said...EE- yes, everybody is human looking in the book. it really is a matter of a kid whose skin gets lighter and the assumptions people start making because of that change and how that affects his ability to stop a plot to take over the world and usurp the power of god, essentially.

i was just thinking about how little is made of white people tanning and the fury that comes up (at least in black communities) when an african american lightens his/her skin (beyonce, sosa, mj), and that's what's seeming to crop up in people's responses to the query opening line.

Phoenix said...how can i help what people read into something that isn't expressed in any way in the query.

Which is exactly why getting reaction to your query from a lot of critical-thinking readers before you submit it is so important. People tend to assume things based on what they know or think they know. That last bit is what trips so many of us up. We know our story, our history and our research, but others are not so blessed. We have to proactively counter any false assumptions that may surface, not just assume that people won't jump to wrong conclusions.

A small example: One of my queries mentioned Vesuvius erupting in the 4th century. Much to my chagrin, a lot of people pointed out the date was wrong and so the rest of my history was automatically suspect. These folk knew Vesuvius erupted in the 1st century, but had no inkling it's blown its top 40 or 50 times since. They were operating from their knowledge base -- and because a one-time eruption was such a widely held assumption, I learned I would have to acknowledge that in my query and not phrase it in a way that could be misinterpreted. I did not change my story, but I DID change my query to better match the typical reader experience.

Had I not submitted that query for critique beforehand, I -- in my hubris -- would not have known I was possibly alienating a large percentage of my target readers with that single, simple statement.

Feel fortunate that you now know what unintended interpretations are coming from a broad spectrum of fairly well-informed readers. Your next query attempt will either sidestep these issues or relate them in a way that cannot be misconstrued by the typical reader doing a very fast read. And your query will be better for it.

Polenth said...My first thought was a case I read where a woman turned white due to a medical condition. But the query disappointed because it didn't suggest Howie suffered any of the issues she suffered.

For me, it felt like you were offering me the chance at diversity... only to snatch it away and make the character a majority character with no real discussion of the race issues. It might be the book is discussing those issues (which the later comments suggest it might), but that wasn't clear for me in the query. The query suggests all the issues are down to dealing with new magic powers and religious problems.

Joseph Lewis said...My comments regarding race issues were focused on the query, and obviously not the book itself. I would really like to see more fantasy / SF novels deal with these human issues. But the query struck me as:

Average black kid becomes magical white hero, and fights monsters.

If the focus is a thoughtful treatment of American race issues, then that needs to be loud and clear in the query, as opposed to the disjointed plot summary.

Chris Eldin said...I think the author is being smart because now his book can be placed on both the white and black sections of the book stores. ;-)

This is the author. Here's the rewrite. Comments are appreciated.

Dear Evil Editor:

An otherworldly war threatens a teen’s soul and his sanity, but he’s determined to serve God even if it makes him a demon.

THE CRYSTAL BLADE is a 110,000-word fantasy novel set in a sleepy Texas town thrust into a nightmare. Howie Gryphon is an African-American teen whose religious upbringing usually gets him picked on for “acting white” or being a “Bible thumper.”

Now it may get him killed.

After gaining divine powers, Howie sets out to learn if God has a higher purpose for him. That forces him to interact with kids he usually avoids, helping the high school freshman uncover teachers usurping students’ souls. He tries to stop them; a presence wakes in his mind. But what Howie fears is a demon may be his salvation.

The teachers are just one faction hunting for The Crystal Blade, a talisman key to a war on an enchanted world. Howie’s power is tied to The Blade; fighting the demon attracts more factions, who use souls as weapons. Howie can no longer afford to fight the demon. He must find a way to join it.

THE CRYSTAL BLADE combines fantasy, mythology, hip hop, and science in a unique story about diversity and faith. The book examines the changing American Dream, from classism in the black community to Christianity’s fundamentalist-progressive schism.

Howie symbolizes our search for identity and meaning; as he questions his worth, he confronts the key issue of modern life: what is morality in a world of diverse ideals?

Joseph Lewis said...well, you've "solved" the racial issue by avoiding it. It's your call whether that's the best approach.

The new query is still light on story. There are many basic questions unanswered:

How does he get powers? What powers? Who is the antagonist? What events take place?

The query is still too vague. You say he "sets out" and "uncovers" and "helps" and "interacts" and "tries." Give us some concrete plot points.

Evil Editor said...The first paragraph isn't needed; the second and third are a fine hook. P.4 is the problem. The 2nd sentence isn't clear, the power gaining is too abrupt, and the last two sentences are vague. I'd go with something like:

When he suddenly gains divine powers, Howie decides God has a higher purpose for him. He learns that teachers at the local high school are usurping students’ souls, and resolves to stop them.

(The power gaining is still sudden, but this way it's sudden to Howie; your way sounds like he purposefully went out and gained divine powers.)

Having knocked the demon out of the query, we'll have to alter p.5 a bit:

The teachers are just one faction hunting for The Crystal Blade, a talisman key to a war on an enchanted world . . . and the source of Howie's power. Now Howie must [find the blade?] and [use it to send the warring factions back to Neverland?] or [Texas will disappear?].

The final two paragraphs are okay if you're submitting to a Christian/Inspirational publisher. Otherwise I wouldn't put so much into the themes. Give us enough plot and we'll figure out the themes.

Author said...i'm reluctant to take out the first line. I don't want folks to think it's simply a pro-christian polemic and hoped the explicit use of serving god/becoming a demon would keep that from happening.

Evil Editor said...Actually, it was the first line that made it sound--to me--like a Christian/Inspirational book.

sylvia said...I like the sleepy Texan town thrust into a nightmare, highlighting the scale of the conflict. But then it gets really confusing...

"After gaining divine powers" - how is it that he knows they are divine but doesn't know whether he has a higher purpose? I think this could still be improved by describing the specific powers rather than categorising them.

"That forces him " reads oddly and we have kids and then a specific one but you tell us his year not who he is - I'm not sure that sentence really carries the weight it could. Personally, I'd rather simply be told his name and a fast description (one of the bullies?) and then an explanation of what he does (confides in Howie?) . Or even skip the other kid and tell us what the problem is (teachers are usurping students' souls) and that Howie sets out to stop them. I would then separate out the result without the salvation reference : A presence wakes in his mind: a demon who (tells/taunts/teaches) Howie about the Crystal Blade.

150 said...Use specific sentences INSTEAD of general sentences, and the query doesn't get any longer. Made-up example:

He tries to stop them; a presence wakes in his mind.

vs.

When he locks them in the basement, he gets a piercing headache and booming voice in his head.

Good luck!

Robin S. said...Dammit. I'm missing the good commment trail stuff here. I was better off without my own blog. It's more fun here. Oh - and reading through the comments, I note that there were some good old-fashioned gutless anons in the crowd. As per usual.

this is the author and my re-write. any opinions are appreciated:

Dear Evil Editor:

To stop an arcane war from destroying our world, one teen must choose between saving his soul or keeping his sanity.

THE CRYSTAL BLADE is a 107,000-word fantasy novel set in a sleepy Texas town thrust into a nightmare. It’s home to Howie Gryffin, an African-American teen whose religious upbringing usually gets him picked on. Now it may get him killed.

Howie cherishes his family’s eccentric views even though they get him called “Bible thumper” and “Uncle Tom.” But when teachers start forming rival armies by imbuing students with power, his religion warns of spiritual warfare; when Howie starts moving objects by thinking, he knows God has chosen him to stop the war.

Howie sets out to learn about the teachers, even as a voice in his head tries to usurp his mind. But what he believes is a demon may be the only way to save a magical world, a world where souls are used as weapons.

An alliance has formed to find The Crystal Blade, a talisman needed to repel a despot or reveal a savior. Competing goals have split the alliance, and some factions are drawn to Earth by a power once wielded by the despot and savior — Howie’s power.

When the factions reveal themselves as the source of people’s power, Howie’s faith is shaken. The demon offers to help … if Howie abandons his mind. If not, it promises to help those factions claim his soul.

THE CRYSTAL BLADE explores faith, identity, and how we decide what’s right in a world of diverse beliefs. Blending myth, science, literature, and philosophy, it’s a coming-of-age story about how a change of heart can help change the world.

Dave F. said...I think this paragraph is a problem: An alliance has formed to find The Crystal Blade, a talisman needed to repel a despot or reveal a savior. Competing goals have split the alliance, and some factions are drawn to Earth by a power once wielded by the despot and savior — Howie’s power.
It's just OK.

First off, we were reading about Howie. This kinda jumps into something else. (not really but for a few words.
Second, the Alliance is already broken. Saying it is/formed and then breaks apart doesn't help the query. The important part is that it is broken.
So perhaps you need to merely say that two groups want Harry's powers to wield the "Crystal Blade" which will reveal Howie as a savior or a demon. That makes Howie the primum mobile' of it all.

BTW - this version of the query is very good.

Evil Editor said...If the teachers are imbuing students with power, how does Howie know the teachers didn't give him the power to move objects by thinking? By "power" I assume you mean superhuman powers?

When you say "Howie's power" at the end of p.5, do you mean his ability to move objects by thinking?

I don't think it's clear early enough that a place other than Earth is a major part of the story.

Dominique said...An alliance has formed to find The Crystal Blade, a talisman needed to repel a despot or reveal a savior. Competing goals have split the alliance, and some factions are drawn to Earth by a power once wielded by the despot and savior — Howie’s power.

This paragraph seemed like it came out of nowhere. It might be better to lead with Howie and not with the Blade.

_*Rachel*_ said...Much, much better.

I get confused at "an alliance...." What you're saying is that nobody's sure whether he's turning despot or savior. The evil alliance gives him a choice: join them as the despot and live, or be the savior. But if he becomes the savior (of what?), they'll make sure he loses his mind and everything else he cares about.

This is difficult to clarify, but I think I've got a general idea of what's going on--and that idea is pretty compelling, like the first sentence of this query.

this is the author. any suggestions are appreciated:

Dear Evil Editor:

To stop a war from destroying two worlds, a teen must choose between saving his soul and keeping his sanity.

THE CRYSTAL BLADE is a 107,000-word fantasy novel set in a sleepy Texas town that’s forced into a nightmare.

Two worlds depend on Howie Gryffin, a high school freshman whose religion usually gets him picked on. Now it may get him killed.

Howie loves his family’s unorthodox beliefs, even if he’s called “Bible thumper” and “Uncle Tom.” When he miraculously heals from an injury, he thinks God has a higher purpose for him.

He learns he can move things with a thought and even bring them to life … but he finds no purpose.
His faith falters — and a voice in his head threatens him.

It’s a demon, according to Howie’s faith, but fighting it lures deadlier foes. Howie is actually from a world where souls are weapons; he is either that world’s savior or nemesis, and only The Crystal Blade can reveal the truth.

Factions from that world are searching for The Blade, and Howie’s power brings their clashes to Earth. Howie fears a spiritual war has begun.

He thinks his purpose is to stop the battle even if he must make a deal with a demon trying to usurp his mind. Otherwise, he will lose a war threatening his soul.

THE CRYSTAL BLADE explores how we decide what’s right in a world of diverse beliefs. Blending myth, science, literature, and philosophy, it’s a coming-of-age story about growing up in a complex world without giving up what makes us unique.

Evil Editor said...I don't see this all fitting on one page when it has so many blank lines. I recommend you drop the first three paragraphs as well as paragraphs 7 and 8. Add Howie's last name to paragraph 4, and the word count to paragraph 9.

Author said...actually, it's shorter than all but the previous one or two entries i originally gave and the plot is two lines fewer than the plot i gave in the previous version. but is all on one page. i just added the lines of space to make it easier to read.

Evil Editor said...There should be lines of space if it's on paper, as well. In any case, it's a far superior query if you cut out the five paragraphs I suggested. There's nothing of value in them.

Dave F. said...The first and third paragraphs say nearly the same thing:
1: To stop a war from destroying two worlds
3: Two worlds depend

1: a teen
3: a high school freshman

1: his soul and keeping his sanity
3: it may get him killed

Then you repeat Howie's name in Paragraph 4. And at that point, I agree with EE, paragraph 4 is the superior paragraph to open with. Why? because it starts with Howie and presents his internal dilemma as the meat of the story. Howie is the story. The story isn't the crystal blade or the two worlds drawn together. Those two things are what Hitchcock called McGuffin. They make the story work. The emotional story, the big payoff of the novel is Howie's decision.

this is the author. here's a rewrite. any comments are appreciated.

Dear Evil Editor:

Howie Gryffin loves his family’s unorthodox beliefs, even if he’s called “Bible thumper” and “Uncle Tom” in high school. When he brings objects to life, he thinks God has a higher purpose for him. When he fails to find it, his faith wavers — and a voice in his head tries to usurp his mind.

Howie’s faith has warned of such demons, but fighting it lures deadlier foes. For Howie is either the savior or nemesis of a world where souls are weapons; factions seek The Crystal Blade to reveal or destroy him, and Howie’s power has led them to Earth.

It’s the start of a spiritual doomsday foretold in Howie’s faith, but the demon has a way to avert the war … if Howie surrenders his mind.

THE CRYSTAL BLADE is a 107,000-word fantasy novel about faith, identity, and how we decide what’s right in a world of diverse beliefs. Blending myth, science, literature, and philosophy, the coming-of-age story shows how living in a complex world shouldn’t mean losing what makes us unique.

Evil Editor said...It's certainly better than the previous versions. I can see it generating some interest.

Sarah Laurenson said...1st para: Why Uncle Tom? That doesn't go with Bible Thumper for me. Other than that - this one is good.

2nd para: I deliberately did not refresh my memory on your original query. This para confused me a bit and was hard to digest. You have room to flesh this out a bit more and clarify what you're trying to say. The 2nd sentence is a bit long and convoluted.

3rd para: Like this one a lot. Love the hook and how it's presented.

4th para: Went on a bit long for me and seems like you're repeating some information. I think this can be tightened up a bit and give some more words to the 2nd para.

That's my opinion on this version.

Ellie said...The query doesn't work for me. I'm going to give a line-by-line accounting of my responses, so you can see the parts where I find it unclear.

Howie Gryffin loves his family’s unorthodox beliefs, even if he’s called “Bible thumper” and “Uncle Tom” in high school.
What do "unorthodox beliefs" mean in this context? He's part of some new Christian denomination?

When he brings objects to life, he thinks God has a higher purpose for him.
"Brings objects to life" is far too vague. He can move things with his mind? Create sentient marionettes? Plus, all I can think of when I read that phrase is "We bring good things to life."

When he fails to find it, his faith wavers — and a voice in his head tries to usurp his mind.
Why would his faith waver because he can't find (I think maybe "see" or "understand" works better) God's purpose for him? Are his powers causing him problems? Are they directly contradicting what his religion teaches? God does all kinds of things we can't understand. Why is this thing a problem?  

Howie’s faith has warned of such demons, but fighting it lures deadlier foes.
I know what you mean, but grammatically, this sentence says that fighting his faith lures deadlier foes.

For Howie is either the savior or nemesis of a world where souls are weapons;
What world? Are we not on Earth?

factions seek The Crystal Blade to reveal or destroy him,
Reveal who? Howie? What does "reveal" mean in this context?

and Howie’s power has led them to Earth.
Led who? How? Why? What does Howie have to do with any of this?

  It’s the start of a spiritual doomsday foretold in Howie’s faith, but the demon has a way to avert the war … if Howie surrenders his mind.
Up until this point you've only said what happens to Howie and very little of what he actually does. Ending with him having to surrender makes it sound like he's a passive pawn through the whole book.   

Blending myth, science, literature, and philosophy,
This is so vague as to be pointless.

the coming-of-age story shows how living in a complex world shouldn’t mean losing what makes us unique.
This makes it sound like an after-school special.

I'm not trying to be mean, but rather trying to show the questions someone would have reading this for the first time. I know how hard it is to simultaneously establish character/motivation and explain a whole fantasy world/war in a few paragraphs, but I don't think you've pulled it off here yet.

Dominique said...I thought this was a definite improvement. I could see this generating some interest.

Joanna said...I find this version interesting, but I liked the first one better; the race questin was very interesting as well as provocative. Re this version: . I would normally assume that Bible-thumpers were orthodox. Maybe a little more specificity would help.

this is the author with a rewrite. any comments are appreciated:

Dear Evil Editor:

Howie Gryffin is an easy target in high school, called cult freak and Uncle Tom for believing Jesus saved many worlds. Faith is his refuge — until objects move at his whim and a voice offers more power.

His faith teaches that the power is divine but the voice is demonic, forcing Howie to doubt his beliefs. He sets out for answers, finding wizards from a world where souls are weapons. The wizards need The Crystal Blade to stop a despot from ending all life. Their search has led to the tyrant: Howie.

Repressed by magic disguised as religion, he will be killed if he doesn’t gain more power. He will destroy us all if he does.

THE CRYSTAL BLADE is a 107,000-word fantasy novel about morality and diversity. Blending ideas ranging from Santeria and string theory to Alice in Wonderland and Atlas Shrugged, the story examines how we define what’s right in a world of diverse beliefs.

Steve Wright said...I think this latest version is too heavily condensed, and possibly over-dramatic in tone. I went "bwuh? What? What's going on?" several times during the second paragraph, and the third paragraph looks like the tagline for a movie, not part of a query letter.

I'd also seriously consider leaving out all the literary comparisons and influences. Having read the original, and now this version, I get the impression your book is a hybrid of Finnegans Wake, Atlas Shrugged and Alice in Wonderland, and that idea's doing my head in. Less comparison and more explanation, please!

Dominique said..."many worlds"? Is this interplanetary?

"His faith teaches that the power is divine but the voice is demonic, forcing Howie to doubt his beliefs." Actually, powers like that sound like witchcraft, and Christianity would probably say, "thou shalt not suffer a witch to live." How does he determine that the voice is demonic?

"The wizards need The Crystal Blade to stop a despot from ending all life." This might be a good time to insert a quick explanation of what the blade is. "The crystal blade, a knife forged from the crystal skull of a long dead alien king, to stop..."

"He will destroy us all if he does" The problem with saying 'us' is that you give the impression this story occurs in the real world. It's fiction.

I feel I must agree wtih Steve that comparing your book to acknowledged classics can go very, very wrong, especially if you don't explain the similarities.

Ellie said...I think you're still giving too much setup and not enough of the stakes. This might help as a potential outline:

Howie Gryffin's Christian faith is a refuge from high school bullying and taunts. But it offers no comfort when he's suddenly able to move objects with his mind, and hears a strange voice in his head.

Unable to decide if these changes are demonic or divine, Howie [does something] to get answers. It turns out that he has these powers because [reason]. [Specific entities (humans? demons? aliens? fairies?)] from another world are hunting him to use his powers [to do something.]

Howie must [overcome enemy or obstacle] in order to [do something successfully] so he can [realize goal.] If he can't, [specific consequences.]

this is the author:i do wonder if folks are comparing earlier posts to this one and losing something in the translation.

like the question "is this interplanetary?" why would someone assume it is not unless it was being compared to an earlier version, see what i mean?

that's also why i don't mention christianity specifically. it does involve two worlds, EE said in an earlier post that i need to point that out early so figured i'd do so with the hint of jesus saving other worlds as the reason people say he is in a cult. that's the same reason i don't call him christian: christians don't see this kind of phenomenon as godly and would call folks who do as being in a cult; it is his religion that tells him these things are divine/demonic, which is stated pretty plainly in the query, i thought. i had just put "strange faith" or "unorthodox faith" in an earlier post but someone said it wasn't specific enough.

i wonder about the idea of comparing myself to other literature. it seems like if i said "the book is like" or "it would appeal to", or as i did in the first query "based on yadda yadda" fine, i'm setting myself up. but to say i borrow ideas from various places doesn't seem like a comparison (no one said i was comparing myself to santeria or string theory, for instance). i thought the idea of blending so many ideas would show the uniqueness of the book.

thanks, though. i'm going to keep plugging at it, though it might be a while before i repost something.

Evil Editor said...You're going to get useful comments and comments from people who never read this genre, people who don't know what they're talking about, 8-year-old kids, etc. Your job is to use what's helpful and ignore the rest.

Ellie said...i thought the idea of blending so many ideas would show the uniqueness of the book. The thing is, the book is ultimately what sells the book. The query letter doesn't so much sell the book as sell the agent on the idea of reading the book. A good query letter says: "I am not a crazy person. This book is complete and has a clear vision and structure. Reading this will not be a waste of your time."

If your description of the book leaves the agent confused, talking about all the different influences is going to make it worse, not better. It'll look like your story is a big mishmash of ideas without any coherent narrative arc. Nobody wents to spend time reading a really unique blend of subjects if it doesn't eventually go somewhere and wrap up sensibly. (Unless you really love Robert Anton Wilson. (I kid, I kid.))

Make sure the first part of your query shows that you have written a compelling story that's worth reading because it's just a darn good story. Then you can ice the cake with how unique it is.

(Just my two cents, of course. Like EE says, take what's helpful and ignore the rest.)

Kings Falcon said...Keep working on it. You have lost some of the voice and, well, the uniqueness of this in this last revision. You've also switched detail for vagueness.

The main plot point that is now missing is that Howie is something more than your average kid. Tell me that because I can't tell why HE's the one to save or doom the worlds in the current version.

How about something like:

Seventeen Howie Gryffin's belief that Jesus saved alien nations in addition to Earth-bound souls makes him an easy target for ridicule in high school. But then Howie's skin changes color reverting to its alien appearance and he moves objects with a thought.

XY, the demon, whispers to Howie that he can have even more power with his assistance. In resisting XY's influence Howie attracts an otherworldly war to Earth. XY tells Howie he must find the Crystal Blade, a talisman needed to repel a despot or reveal a savior if the souls of Earth are to be saved.

- ---

It's a start. I still don't have a good idea of who the main antagonist is and why he wants the Blade.

Good luck,

Repressed by magic disguised as religion, he will be killed if he doesn’t gain more power. He will destroy us all if he does.

EVIL EDITOR CLASSICS

2012-01-15T09:27:00.000-05:00

Guess the Plot

Blood from a Stone

1. In a world where fear of pain and disease makes donating blood a scary prospect, high school nerd Milton Pill makes an amazing discovery in geology class. But will his frequent trips to the local quarry make him the quarry? Also, a vampire.

2. Graham Furguson infiltrates the back rooms at The Stone, a new casino in Las Vegas, looking for someone named Fareed. There he discovers . . . blood. In The Stone. Now his life is in danger in this thriller featuring dialogue like an ice-cold martini.

3. Leading medical researchers are convinced it's bio-terrorism when people around the world contract a disease that makes them urinate blood until they die. But a rogue homeopath from Detroit discovers what they’re really up against: Flesh-Eating Kidney Stones from Outer Space!

4. He wanted to be America's newest serial killer, but he needed an angle. It came to him one night in Santa Monica. Four hours later, Oliver Stone, Sharon Stone and "Stone" Phillips were chalk lines on the pavement.

5. Identical twins Lester and Leslie compete in the Iron Chef Cooking Challenge. In round 4 Lester finally has to admit defeat when his sister serves blood pudding made with the most precious ingredient in the world - the stones of a Komodo dragon.

6. When young vampire Damarco hears that many superstars are followed around by "bloodsuckers," he attends a Rolling Stones concert. Hilarity ensues when he slips backstage and bites Keith Richards . . . and experiences his first psychedelic trip.

Original Version

I am seeking representation for "Blood from a Stone," a 125,000 word medical thriller.

Somehow, even though it's his weekend away from the hospital, Graham Ferguson winds up with a scalpel in his hand. Sometimes he's just too curious for his own good.

Graham is a young surgeon visiting Las Vegas for a medical conference. When the lectures grow dull, he can't resist the pull of the blackjack tables at The Stone, the city's newest casino. While playing he shares an intriguing conversation with a man named Fareed whose wheezing and pinprick bruises suggest he belongs in a hospital bed rather than a card table. [I have a long-standing policy whose adoption I recommend to my minions: if you're in a casino and a wheezing guy named Fareed starts a conversation with you, move to a different table. If he follows, move to a different casino.] When Graham next sees Fareed, the man is collapsed on the floor, gulping for air. [Also, if you're in a casino, and you look down at the floor by your feet and see a wheezing guy named Fareed, slowly back away and then run for the exit.] Graham rushes to his aid but is rebuffed by the casino physician, Dr. Hampstead – who seems more concerned with the knot in his tie than the gasping casino guest at his feet [Be with you in a minute, Fareed; I'm having trouble deciding if I should be in a Windsor or a Four-in-hand when the CSI film crew gets here.] – and Mr. Darling, the meaty director of casino security. Fareed is whisked away with the speed and ceremony of sweeping up a broken cocktail glass, leaving Graham stunned, concerned, and more than a little curious about what happened to his new acquaintance.

With the help of Karen, a waitress with a penchant for making him blush, Graham slips behind the façade of the casino in search of Fareed. [If you slip into the back rooms at a casino, and you want to come out alive, you'd better have a damn good excuse. And "I'm looking for a guy named Fareed" isn't gonna cut it.] In the depths of the casino – a grimy city unto itself that supports the fantasy world of card tables and floor shows [Oz and Middle Earth are fantasy worlds; card tables and floor shows, incredible as it may seem, exist.] – they find a room of beds with shackles dangling from the frames and a bloody clue that Graham can't quite decipher. [It reads:

13-3-2-21-1-1-8-5,
O Draconian devil!
Oh, lame saint!
P.S. Find Fareed Langdon]

Karen drags Graham from the casino just ahead of the security guards, but when they go to the police, a skeptical detective story dismisses them [A skeptical detective story?] as troublesome tourists with overindulgent imaginations fueled by too many vodka tonics.

[Graham: There was this guy named Fareed. He was wheezing.
Detective: Go on.
Graham: Mr. Darling whisked him away.
Detective: What did Darling look like?
Graham: He was meaty.
Detective: You were drinking vodka tonics, right?]

Yet Graham's curiosity drives him to keep digging for clues, and the thugs in tailored suits from The Stone show their disapproval with their knuckles. But when a split lip isn't enough to deter Graham, [He will find Fareed or die trying; you have to admire that kind of loyalty to a complete stranger.] a fresh body turns up, and now he and Karen are wanted for murder. With lives hanging in the balance – Fareed's, Karen's, even his own – Graham's only way out is to confront the enigmatic Mr. Pallinstone, [If you're going to call him enigmatic, make his last name Palindrome. Seriously. And his first name, of course, is Bob.] the self-made millionaire behind the eponymous casino, and uncover the secret of The Stone [They drug their patrons, then shackle them to beds and drain their blood to feed Mr. Palindrome. So much more civilized than fangs in the neck, plus it allows him to add a twist of lime.] before it's too late. [Palindrome, for those who haven't guessed, is, in fact, Count Dracucard.]

With dialogue as crisp as an ice-cold martini and a plot that snaps like a new playing card against the felt, [Whoa! Are you the author, or are you an overzealous publicist writing copy for the book's ad campaign after downing one too many ice-cold martinis?] "Blood from a Stone" takes a rollicking trip through Las Vegas, from the boisterous energy of the high stakes craps tables, to the dingy neon carnality of a strip club, to the chilly realities of coroner's office, to the penthouse of a casino high above the Nevada desert.

I am a surgical resident, and while my current publications include multiple scientific articles and textbook chapters, this is my first foray into fiction. I have enclosed the first three chapters and a SASE. Thank you for your time and consideration.

Regards,

Revised Version

Somehow, though it's his weekend away from the hospital, Graham Ferguson winds up with a scalpel in his hand. Sometimes he's just too curious for his own good.

Graham is a young surgeon visiting Las Vegas for a medical conference. When the lectures grow dull, he can't resist the pull of the blackjack tables at The Pleasure Dome, the city's newest casino. While gambling, he shares an intriguing conversation with a man named Fareed whose wheezing and pinprick bruises suggest he belongs in a hospital bed, not at a card table.

Before Graham can inquire about Fareed's condition, the man collapses to the floor and is whisked away by casino security with the speed and ceremony of sweeping up a broken cocktail glass. Graham is left stunned, concerned, and more than a little curious about what happened to his new acquaintance.

With the help of Karen, a cocktail waitress, Graham slips into the depths of the casino in search of Fareed. They find a room of beds with shackles dangling from their frames and a bloody clue that Graham can't quite decipher. With lives hanging in the balance – Fareed's, Karen's, and his own – Graham has no choice but to whip out his scalpel and perform a truthectomy on the enigmatic millionaire behind the mysterious casino: Mr. Palindrome.

Blood from a Stone is a 125,000-word medical thriller that takes a rollicking trip through Las Vegas, from the high stakes craps tables, to the neon carnality of a strip club, to the chilly realities of a coroner's office. I am a surgical resident with multiple scientific articles and textbook chapters to my credit; this is my first novel. I have enclosed the first three chapters and a SASE. Thank you.

Regards,

Notes

The story sounds exciting, but the original version had too much trivial detail. The revised version gets rid of that, but what it lacks is an explanation of why this is a "medical" thriller. You might want to at least hint more strongly at what's going on from a medical standpoint in the casino's dungeons.

What about the part where Graham ends up with a scalpel in his hand? Does he perform an operation? An autopsy? Or is that how he confronts Palindrome? Do surgeons take their scalpels to conferences, just in case they're needed on an emergency spleenectomy?

Blood from a stone is a common enough expression. If you named the casino The Stone just so the title Blood from a Stone would seem more clever, it wasn't worth it. Besides which, now that the casino owner's name is Bob Palindrome, you have to change the name of the casino to The Drome, and Blood from a Drome makes no sense.

A better name for a casino is The Hippodrome, so you could name the guy Bob Hippodrome instead of Bob Palindrome. Then the title could be Blood from a Hippo, which makes some sense. The entrances to the casino would all be giant hippo mouths, of course.

Selected Comments

Anonymous said...Wow, a surgical resident is already writing textbook chapters? I hope none of my doctors used that textbook.

pacatrue said...People still in medical school, not even yet residents, can write high quality journal articles as well as textbook chapters. One doesn't need to have full skills as a practicing surgeon to be have strong knowledge of a certain specialty. Journal articles and chapters are then reviewed by other specialists and suggestions or revision or rejection are made. You and your doctors will be in fine shape.

pjd said...I was certain this was going to be GTP #3. Two things sort of threw this for me. First, I don't understand what besides curiosity drives Graham to delve into what happened to Fareed. The natural thing I think most people would do is go to a different casino. If both the casino physician and the head of security tell me to back off, I not only back off but take off. That's way more aggravation than I need, and after all there's a doctor there. Either something fishy is going on and I don't want any part of it since it's funded by an organization that gets multiple millions in revenue per day, or nothing fishy is going on and I might be in a place where I could end up gasping on the ground with a nonchalant physician looking over me. Either way, I'm gone.

Second, I had to wrinkle my nose at the line, "With the help of Karen, a waitress with a penchant for making him blush, Graham slips behind the façade of the casino in search of Fareed." First, the word facade seems out of place. I know what you're attempting, but a facade is a fake front, and it appears The Stone is a very real casino. Second, I see no motivation for Karen to put herself on the line in this situation. To help Graham to break through security in the casino, she would have to have an incredibly strong motivation. I'm thinking someone kidnapped her child, or she's essentially some sort of slave to the bosses.

I just don't get why these people do what they do. This seems to be a case of normal people doing abnormal things so the author can have this thrilling plot.

blogless_troll said...I agree with pjd. Maybe the "intriguing conversation" the MC has with Fareed solves the motivation problem, but it's not working in the query. Maybe if you gave the MC a better reason for being there, rather than just being you in disguise, this would work better.

Dave said...GTP #3 is so cruel. Nothing is more painful than passing kidney stones and flesh-eating kidney stones doubly so. . . As for GTP #6, my Brit friends tell me you only have to lick Keith Richards to get high. Personally, I won't let my lips or tongue even touch a prune. Wrinkly, wrinkly, wrinkly...

I lost myself to giggles when "Mr. Darling, the meaty director of casino security." It was lunch time and I was hungry and "meaty" sounds like Dinty Moore in a polyester suit with canapes and party favors.

I think the author has too much backstory. I'd rename the book "Diced and Bloody" just to be vampirically lurid. There are lots of vampire novels out there. They all have lurid descriptions of the action.

When a stranger collapses next to Young Surgeon Graham Furgusen at Stone's Casino, he finds himself drawn behind the seedy, facade of the casino. There, he discovers a blood-curdling secret about the casino owner who only wants his blood.

Or something like that. Keep it short and sweet.

Robin S. said...This is a really, really good group of GTPs. Can't pick a favorite.

Author- Like this: "the speed and ceremony of sweeping up a broken cocktail glass, leaving Graham stunned, concerned, and more than a little curious about what happened to his new acquaintance"

This one, however -- "With dialogue as crisp as an ice-cold martini and a plot that snaps like a new playing card against the felt" belongs, in my opinion, to someone else to say. Color me in love with (at least the pretense of) humble, but I really feel this is over the top for a description of your own prose. It may well be amazing, it may well be hung like a war criminal, (and if it is, good for you and congrats, by the way), but I'd rather someone else tell me all about that part.

That said (I hate that phrase, but it works this time), I'd probably enjoy reading this, as long as the prose wasn't higher than a kite on hyperbole.

j/k said......it may well be hung like a war criminal...

I believe that should be "hanged like a war criminal..."

Anonymous said...The main characters seem too randomly chosen for this to work. Their fates are totally independent. What does it matter to the waitress what becomes of ol' Fareed? He's just another hapless guy she never even met and he wouldn't be the first to go Vegas just to crash on the carpet and die. People keel over and die on vacation all the time. You soon get gallows humor about it if you work around tourists, you don't get all excited about plots involving supernatural basement denizens. It would work much better if your chosen sleuths actually cared deeply about the Fareed before he ended up on the carpet. They need to anticipate suffering some dire concequence or tragic heartbreak if all goes wrong with him. Otherwise, why bother?

Plus, they're not isolated and on their own, it's a modern urban setting. I have this feeling that a quick solution to their troubles at virtually every point would be to call 911 and get the usual loud response from Police and Fire. If it was a lone casino lost in the desert some place, maybe. In the heart of Vegas, this is a difficult scheme to sell.

writtenwyrdd said..."plus it allows him to add a twist of lime..." Oh, that's precious in the best sense of the word. ROFL!

Okay, starting with EE's revision, which made so much more sense and made me want to read the book: Something is missing in the plot as presented. I think it's a disconnect between the medical doctor aspect and the vampire aspect. Or, as EE asks, why is this a medical thriller? Not sure you need the doctor. If you just have the protag be Joe Citizen who isn't a doctor, it works just as well and doesn't give a red herring that dangles throughout the book.

I think this sounds interesting. However, I believe you need to clarify what's with the truthectomy on Palindrome. That seems to be the key issue and the earlier stuff is still part of the hook. Lots of stuff happen after they find the back room.

One thing though. If you really do have vampires or supernatural elements in here, you should know that I've read at least three series lately that have vampires or paranormal beings in Vegas. It's getting pretty crowded in that town...

Anonymous said...

'I believe that should be "hanged like a war criminal..."'

Actually, I believe 'hung' accurately tells us what she was trying to say... Don't make me spell it out...

eb said...Thanks everyone for the comments. As you're likely more aware than I, the whole process of getting a M.S. out the door requires a whole different set of skills, so this forum's been a useful look into the sausage factory of query writing.

First and foremost, this book has zero to do with vampires or the paranormal, so my query obviously missed the mark.

As for the "back flap" gushing, it appalled even me, yet I was curious to see how it would be received. (I had one agent ask to include such material along with a synopsis.)

W/r/t the actual plot, I hate to sing the tired song of "but see, you just gotta read it." Which is to say, the query needs to flesh that out. But the MC's motivation is that he's seen a person go to ground, a very sick person at that, and he can't get a satisfactory answer for how/why/and how he's being cared for. As somebody's comment suggested, "what about 911?" Well, the MC's prevented from calling for outside help by the casino folks. Which leads him to dig into what's going on.

Thanks very much. Comments are hugely helpful.

phoenix said...Well, the MC's prevented from calling for outside help by the casino folks. OK, OK... I KNOW you've got this worked out in the ms, but my immediate reaction to that is, "huh?" The guy can SNEAK down into the bowels of the casino itself, but he's prevented from making a surreptitious call on his cell phone? Or someone else's cell phone if his is taken away?

Also, are you SURE the agent requested the gushing stuff? Or were they in their guidelines describing the type of hook/query they want to see? Many agents say they want to see inside cover or back flap copy style writing as part of the query. However, this generally means they want you to describe your characters and storyline in an exciting, grabby way since query copy is often used by the agent to hook the editor who uses it to hook the publisher who passes it on to the marketing department, ad infinitum. The gushy stuff about the writing or "thrill-a-minute" editorializing is not generally an expectation.

Now, zippy copy about where the plot takes the characters from and to and to is quite acceptable (and you'll note EE left that in his revise).

While we minions are extremely guilty about passing judgement on the STORY rather than the QUERY (hey, I'm raising my guilty hand on this one, too), you'll note that EE concentrated on the issues with the query. "Too many trivial details" in a query are what usually start the minions (and perhaps an agent) making assumptions about the story and perceived problems with it. Try leaving out anything (such as your skeptical detective) that could possibly raise a question. Which is a fine balancing act because you probably included the detective to try to staunch questions about why the doctor doesn't go to the cops with his concerns.

But really, if you keep the details a bit vague, include only the highlights, and write the query with a tone as crisp as ice-cold celery, you'll pass muster with the agents. EE's revise is a great start.

pulp said...Even after reading your explanation of Graham's motivation, I don't get why he's compelled to investigate. It needs something. Maybe he's a Dr. Quincy-type medical investigator by training and nature, with a history of terrier-like tenacity. Maybe there's some personal reason. Maybe before dropping dead, Fareed dropped some hints. Maybe the fate of the world is at stake, or maybe Graham is outraged by the uncaring physician because this triggers something in Graham's psyche. Something.

pjd said...Well, the MC's prevented from calling for outside help by the casino folks. Which leads him to dig into what's going on.

I'm with phoenix and pulp. I still don't buy it. Even though many casinos jam cell phone signals (or used to). Is he also prevented from leaving the casino? Do they throw him into a back room?

An ER doc I know was explaining the liability of being a good Samaritan with a medical license. If you help someone, you take on the liability of the person as your patient (might vary from state to state). While all the doctors I know do have people's health foremost in their minds, not a one would sneak into the back of a casino, actively walking into a dangerous situation, to try to help a stranger that is already under another doctor's care.

MUCH more believable would be for the MC to shrug his shoulders, walk out of the casino, and call a colleague he knows at the conference:

"Hey, Larry, strange thing happened here at The Stone. This guy was flopping around like a fish, and the casino doctor didn't seem too worried."

"The Stone? You dog, you're playing hookey."

"So sue me. Anyway, this guy looked really bad."

"Probably allergic to something. You think?"

"I don't think so... he had all these pinprick brui--"

"Yeah, yeah. Hey, I saw Danielle in one of the lectures. She was looking for you."

"... oh, yeah?"

"Remember that conference in Chicago?"

"... oh, yeah!"

"So the four of us are going out tonight."

"Cool."

"Unless you're planning on sneaking into the back of the casino to investigate that fish guy."

"Who?"

EVIL EDITOR CLASSICS

2012-01-14T09:26:00.000-05:00

Guess the Plot

Technical Virgins

1. A snatched-from-the-headlines tale that examines the reasons Bob, like all Microsoft technicians, remains unmarried and a virgin at the age of 35.

2. Shy sociologist John Blake is hired by Stanford University to tutor two sexy unfrozen cave women on the modern world. Hilarity ensues.

3. Brad and Lori have been training to be surgeons but Brad sucks at it, so he wants to quit and be a chef. Also, they're virgins, not that it's any of your business.

4. The girls at Miss Fipps's School for Young Ladies are forming their own corporation. The boys at Wooster Academy can't wait for the IPO.

5. Vestal Electronics has posted record lows this quarter. Can a new battery-powered device bring prosperity to the company?

6. Marcy had never even seen a capacitor before the earthquake. Now she and her sister Emmaline must fix the communications systems of Little Pooble on Hemp before another temblor sends the village hurtling into a newly-formed volcano.

Original Version

Dear Evil Editor,

I am seeking representation for my completed 90,000-word romance novel, Technical Virgins.

[He: Are you a virgin?
She: Well, not technically.

She: Are you a virgin?
He: Technically? Yes.]

Similar in style and humor to the work of Sandra Hill or Jennifer Crusie, [Is that according to you, or according to Sandra Hill and Jennifer Crusie?] Technical Virgins concerns two surgeons-in-training who have been too busy/distracted/emotionally whacked to have a normal romantic life – but that is about to change.

Brad Berkowitz may be an artist in the kitchen, but his work as a surgical intern is less than stellar. [Owing to his insistence on using a meat cleaver when a scalpel is called for.] [If Brad is the guy who's gonna do my appendectomy, are they required to warn me that his work up to now has been less-than-stellar?] Lori Ketchum, a year ahead of Brad in the program, knows Brad won’t be allowed to pass to the next phase of residency if he doesn’t shape up fast. [Brad, you'll never become chief surgeon at the Mayo Clinic if you don't stop killing your patients.] She wants to help Brad improve his surgical skills [No, no, hold the scalpel by the dull end.] in time to save his career, but it isn’t easy with eighty-hour work-weeks and the well-intentioned meddling of family and friends. [His or hers?] [I was going to make a crack about the idiocy of working 80 hours a week, until I realized I work on this blog 90 hours a week.] That Brad seems to care far more about cooking her the perfect meal than succeeding as a doctor doesn’t help either, [And his patients aren't exactly crazy about it.] nor does the fact that when they are together, career is the last thing on their minds.

I am uniquely qualified to write this story, as I

--am a surgeon who trained at a busy community hospital, just like my protagonists, [Has anyone else noticed that people who are trained as surgeons try their hand at writing far more often than people trained as writers try their hands at surgery? Why is that?]

--share many of my hero’s obsessions and interests, kinky and otherwise, [Brad? This inept loser is your hero?]

--was a virgin for longer than I care to admit. [Silly. Admitting you're a virgin is a good thing. It's almost certain to deflect Evil Editor's mockery from your query to your love life.]

[Oh, and those weren't the qualifications of a novelist; they were the qualifications of a doctor who's a serial killer.]

This is my first novel, but I have several e-zine and print-zine publications to my credit. [First came magazines. Then came e-zines, which were magazines, but digital. Now, apparently, we have print-zines, which are e-zines, but on paper.] I would be delighted to [Has anyone come out with an e-print-zine yet?] forward sample chapters or a synopsis, at your request.

Best,

Notes

Brad should be drummed out of med school now, before he kills anyone else. Lori should dump him and marry a writer and support his artistic endeavors. She'll never be happy with this underachieving loser, I don't care if he can make a decent soufflé. Now there's a novel people would read.

I would drop the Crusie/Hill bit and the last two "qualifications," and use the space to explain why Lori wants to help Brad (besides his hunky bod), and maybe what the meddling friends and relatives are doing.

Selected Comments

xiqay said...Now there's a novel people would read. I second this opinion, EE. Author, I didn't like your plot as described in your query. I didn't like Brad. A man in med school who is more interested in his kitchen than his surgery is not sympathetic or likeable. He's detestable. And never tell anyone you're just like your protagonist--then it's not fiction but a poorly disguised "memoir."

Basically, you've told us that Brad is a lousy med student and Lori likes him, for unknown reasons. A meddling family (I'm on their side if they're trying to tell Lori to ditch this loser) doesn't tell much. A little romance doesn't pull me in when I do not feel the love (to quote Emeril, in homage to your culinary side).

The whole thing sounds yucky.

Bernita said..."Technical Virgins? And here I thought it was a story of a post-Luddite's first encounter with HTML code.

Feemus said...I like the idea of someone who has spent a lot of time pursuing one course in life having second thoughts. That seems like something that would resonate with a lot of folks. But...and this is just me...I'm not letting a sexually confused social misfit named BERKOWITZ anywhere near me with a scalpel.

Rei said...If you don't have writing creds, don't feel the need to focus on them -- or even list them at all. If you have nothing, you have nothing. Save the space, don't bore the agent/editor.

Radicalfeministpoet said...What's wrong with you people? First of all, this guy's not in med school, he's already started his internship. Can't you read? Even EE messed that up...obviously it's not safe to spend 80 hours on a blog. Maybe they should limit blog-hours, the way they've limited residency hours.

I have to comment on some of the comments...

A man in med school who is more interested in his kitchen than his surgery is not sympathetic or likeable. He's detestable.

Well, all surgeons are detestable. The question is, were they born that way, or do they become like that after 4 years of infantilization in med school and another 5+ years of "training" at the hands of sadistic colleagues? Having done my share of both surgery and cooking, I can tell you the latter's a lot more fun. Here's just a few reasons: (1) You don't have to get up at 5 am to cook (unless you're making croissants for breakfast). (2) You don't have to wash your hands for 15 minutes before cooking. You don't really have to wash your hands at all. (3) Most food doesn't bleed. (4) Food doesn't sue you when you remove the wrong organ. (5) Food doesn't phone you up at 3 in the mornign and tell you it can't pee. (6) Once you eat, you're done--you don't have to keep visiting the ICU and writing notes about it. Unless you give yourself dysentery, of course. (7) The cooking profession isn't controlled by a nefarious esoteric world-wide Masonic paramilitary organisation that practices human sacrifice at the summer solistice.

I'm guessing you're a smart guy (because you did succeed at med school).
Talk about non sequiturs. Since when were doctors smart? You don't have to be smart to be a doctor, you just have to be anally retentive. (Being a brown-noser and back-stabber helps too.) And when it comes to smarts, surgeons are the dumbest, dumber even than shrinks. Surgery is just monkey-work; it involves very little brains, it's all technique. If you can hem a skirt, you can remove a gall-bladder.

Incidentally, it's not unheard of for doctors to become chefs...I know of one cardiac surgeon who did exactly that.

It would be interesting for the public to read about the seedy underside of medicine instead of swallowing all this Marcus Welby-type rubbish they see on TV. Until I finish my manuscript, though, they'll have to wait.

Bottom line: Doctors are scum. I should know.

Chef Ramsay said...Just to set the record straight, Rad, Cooks get up at five, cooks have to wash their hands, cooks bleed (You think scalpels are sharp? Try the Wüsthof Le Cordon Bleu Cook's Knife), diners sue cooks when they get salmonella or botulism, humans want more food every few hours, much more often than they want more surgery, and bow down before the sanitation inspectors, who'll shut you down in a heartbeat if they catch the cooks not washing.

Surgery may be misery, but cooking for the masses is no picnic. If jobs didn't suck they wouldn't have to pay you to do them.

Anonymous said...Oh, RadicalFeminist, you made me laugh this am! It is true, the US has some kind of worship/obsession with docs. I know a few who truly are heroes, but the "MD" does not allow people to walk on water.

That being said....the fact that the US has this worship/obsession is what will allow this book to fly off the shelves, just as people swoon over ER and Gray's Anatomy.

The majority of people are not aware of the med school/internship/residency/ fellowship step-ladder, so don't be too hard on EE and his minions.

As for whether I would read this book...I spend enough time with docs who don't really want to be there, who would rather be somewhere else (yes, cooking), but they are still very competent...I think the bottom line is that Brad is not a very sympathetic character. Does he ditch residency to follow his dream of being a chef? Does Lori help him take that step? Those plot points would redeem Brad in my mind.

Good luck with this and be careful with the sutures.

Evil Editor said...No need to defend EE, anonymous. Radfem obviously assumed the story takes place in the USA, where internship follows med school (though one could argue you're still in school until you're allowed to practice medicine) while EE assumed the story takes place in Nepal, one of several countries where internship is part of med school, and required to get one's degree. Of course, EE had the advantage of receiving the query in email from an address with the .np country code suffix, so Radfem may be forgiven her error.

beth said...First of all, this guy's not in med school, he's already started his internship.

Ummm...then that makes his attitude all the much worse, IMO. I think we're better off believing our doctors and surgeons are all like Marcus Welby or Hawk-eye Pierce. LOL.

Anonymous said...Perhaps Rad's aversion to surgeons is the reason why she has that ENORMOUS chip bobbling along on her shoulder? Really, dear; you should get that looked at.

Anonymous said...I think the chef/surgeon dilemma is potentially interesting, but it needs just a little more to make it work. For instance, I knew a man with just such a dilemma, and he became a doctor due to extreme family pressure. Maybe Brad has a similar problem and becoming a chef is the road to freedom for him. So, I guess I'm saying, just tell us WHY he's torn between these two fields, and then maybe you've got something.

BuffySquirrel said...I'm with EE--the query doesn't tell me why Lori wants to help Brad. Nor does it explain why they're still virgins. Saying that their careers aren't on their minds when they're together suggests sex is; saying they're virgins suggests it isn't. What is on their minds, then, if it isn't sex OR surgery...balloon animals?

K.Erevas said...I very much resent the implication that a "normal romantic life" involves sex. Some people still save sex for after they're married. I think. I hope. That said, I agree with a recent anonymous who said that we need to know a bit more about why Brad is in the medical field at all. If he cares more about cooking and isn't doing well as a surgeon, then how come he's still in med school? Money? Family pressure? Lost a bet? Do tell!

EVIL EDITOR CLASSICS

2012-01-13T09:24:00.006-05:00

Guess the Plot

The Lepre- chaun Connec- tion

1. Popeye Doyle and Cloudy Russo come out of retirement for one more bust after stumbling on a container-load of Lucky Charms.

2. Taran McSwilligan is only an eighth-grade geek, but even he can see the problems extant in using live leprechauns as relay switches for his eire-ish island's electrical system. Can Taran perfect his leprechaun cryo-freeze and stabilize the connections before the whole year's stash of frozen fish melts into a steaming puddle of fertilizer?

3. Hired to track down a billionaire's daughter, a private eye stumbles upon a dimension of elves, gnomes . . . and leprechauns. Not only that, she must assume the throne to prevent all of humanity from slipping into the black hole of nothingness.

4. The manufacturer of Amy's new cell phone used warm fuzzy names for all the parts, so she wasn't surprised to find a button for the "leprechaun connection." But she was surprised to push it and find herself lost in a patch of clover, with huge bees buzzing overhead.

5. Moira's mission is to get crucial documents from Belfast to Stockholm, but getting the documents out of Ireland is proving tricky--and she's being followed by a dark stranger who may be after more than the papers. Can Moira reach the dropoff point to make . . . The Leprechaun Connection?

6. When the DEA recruits his roommate Julian to discover Andy's mushroom source, Julian is shocked to find the source is an actual Leprechaun. Will the DEA believe him? Also, a centaur with bladder control issues and an exhibitionist wood nymph.

Original Version

To the Evilest of All Editors:

Why are leprechauns stealing human children to work in factories purloined from forest gnomes?

P.I. Puck Railian would like an answer as she tracks down a billionaire’s kidnapped daughter.

[Billionaire: Have you found my daughter yet?

Puck Railian: No, I've been too busy trying to get an answer to why leprechauns are stealing human children to work in factories purloined from forest gnom-- Uh, I'm fired, right?]

She almost captures [is about to capture] a leprechaun when elven warrior Kellen, who insists she is the lost heir to the throne of Shadowrealm, waylays her. He agrees to help her find the missing girl if Puck ascends Shadowrealm’s throne in a coup overthrowing the troll-led government. All Puck wants to do is find the kid to collect her reward. The closer she gets to finding the girl, the more she learns about herself. [Dump that sentence; it interrupts the flow of the plot description.] But when she discovers that her father is still alive and held prisoner by the corrupt leader, it only entangles her deeper into the politics of Earth’s alternate dimension, Shadowrealm. If Puck refuses the throne, the consequences are dire as a rift between the two worlds will widen, imploding both worlds, spilling banshees, ogres, humans, and gnomes into the black hole of nothingness. [The black hole of nothingness? I think we've finally found a phrase to replace the nexus of time travel itself.] [It seems to me that if the rightful heir not being on the throne would open the black hole of nothingness, it would already be open. It would have opened when the troll leader took the throne, and we'd all be dead or struggling to climb out of the black hole of nothingness.]

Will Puck find the missing child? Will she discover the leprechaun connection? Will she be able to prevent a civil war in Shadowrealm? Will she fall [into the black hole of nothingness?] for the handsome elven warrior? [And last but not least, Why are leprechauns stealing human children to work in factories purloined from forest gnomes? Why start the query with that question if it's not going to be addressed?] The answer to these questions, and more, lie between the pages of THE LEPRECHAUN CONNECTION. [Between the pages? What's on the pages?]

I had a difficult time researching this novel, since alternate dimension traveling is out of my financial ability. I did manage a trip to Germany to view the gnome’s Black Forest factories, and I must say the sale of wooden smokers, nutcracker, and ornaments are providing the gnomes a thriving cottage industry. And I’m happy to report the Scottish Doonies are back to their shape-shifting tricks again, according to the locals. [Very cute. Now get rid of it. Your editor/agent may want to meet her latest client. You don't want her worrying that it's going to go:

You: Sorry I'm late. Gnomes and elves stole my luggage at the airport.

Editor: Heh heh. Nice to meet you. Your book--

You: Ah, you're wondering how I know so much about leprechauns and fairies. I grew up in a giant toadstool in Candyland.

Editor: Cute. Now about your contract, I'll need you to sign--

You: Wait, let me get out my lucky pen. It writes with magic potion instead of ink.

Editor: Get out. Get out or I'll have you thrown out.]

The Leprechaun Connection is a 120,000-word fantasy adventure. My protagonist Puck has been compared to a mixture of Evanovich’s Stephanie Plum and hard-boiled noir detectives of the 1940’s. [Sort of a klutzy Sam Spade.] [Was this comparison made by Janet Evanovich and James Ellroy? Or by a friend of yours?] I’ve included a few sample pages for your perusal. The full manuscript is available upon request, though it might be somewhat delayed due to the fairies claiming union rules, For some reason they are insisting upon a break every three hours to toke some pixie dust and clean the ink off their feet.

Thank you for your time.

Sincerely,

Notes

Those last two paragraphs pretty much guarantee that your manuscript will end up in . . .

The
Black
Hole
of
Noth-
ing-
ness.

You have a protagonist for adults, but the title and setting sound more like they'll appeal to kids. Maybe you should make up the Shadowrealm characters, or at least use fewer known fantastical creatures.

Black Hole of Nothingness reminds me of The Princess Bride's Pit of Despair, Cliffs of Insanity, Rodents of Unusual Size. Come up with something better than Shadowrealm; that's got a darker tone.

Is there a reason for naming the character Puck? No one has that name. And I believe it's been used in at least one work involving fairyland creatures already.

Selected Comments

E.S. Tesla said...I think the story seems pretty cool, even for grown ups (I like the fact that it's leprachauns, there's way underustilized). The cutesy bits of the letter made me want to punch the monitor. I really, really hate the start with a question format, and I really, really hate cutesy stuff, so you've got me all keyzer sose here author...

Anonymous said...This use of "Puck", which is so ripped off and jarringly wrong for the character I couldn't really focus on the rest of the goblins etc. Go get your own name and try again.

blogless_troll said...Look, I know writing a 120,000 word book is hard, but can't we come up a few original names. Shadowrealm is so overused you might as well call it Forebodingland, or the Dreadful Expanse. How about the Belligerent Union of Totally Treacherous States?

Anonymous said...Is it a comedy? If not, you've missed the humor boat and are sailing down the yellow river of uncontrolled centaur water through the nexus of time and into the black hole of nothingness port-a-potty. It's just so wrong in so many ways that it has got to be a satire.

BTW - ditch "Puck" for three reasons:
a - Puck rhymes with ****
b - Shakespeare's Puck is a horny boy in green tights, skimpy green tights
c - MTV's reality show had a character named Puck and he was the most vile and obnoxious spoiled brat ever videotaped. Blond too, and a bike messenger (the scourge of the scourgy)

I see the Princess Bride version of Darby O'Gill and the Little People meet South Park and have babies.

Anonymous said...Dump the name Puck - it'll either make people think of the mischievous fary in Shakespeare's play - or the guy who had trouble controlling his bodily funuctions on MTV's Real World. Not liking the word "purlioned" - makes me think of Poe. Other than that - you're idea is pretty original.

Rei said...The "person of our world, sucked into another dimension, must assume the throne, save their world and ours" plot is so overused that even with a great query, you'd have a hard time selling it. At least stress something that sets yours apart (there has to be *something*!). Something that turns a cliche on its head.

For example, the anime "El-Hazard". In anime, this "sucked into another dimension, must save it" trope is, if anything, even more overused. The twist there was that the MC didn't end up becoming the king/ruler of a country in the world he entered. Quite to the contrary, he bore a strong resemblance to the country's *princess* who was kidnapped, and was strongarmed into posing as her to help assauge the tribal leaders who were worried that without her, the country wouldn't be able to repel an upcoming invasion.

You need something original. If you have something original, put it front and center.

pacatrue said...Ah, the minions. Helpful or just evil? For the query as a whole, once the cutsey bits are dropped as EE recommends, the story remains pretty cute sounding. That's not a problem as I enjoy cute, fun novels. But I wasn't sure what a hard-boiled detective is doing in one. She seems completely out of place. Perhaps that is the very idea, though, and a lot of comedy comes from Sam Spade Versus the Leprochauns. If so, that's pretty cool, and it could be something you feature in the query, which would alleviate some of the other minions' comments.

Margaret said...

EE and minions:
Thanks for your take on my quirky story. Actually, this is the most fun I've had writing a query--ever. Trust me, I'm still flinching from my previous flaying by the minions--maybe some of you remember the 'cold-cocked' fiasco. I'm still shivering from the semi-healed wounds.

Evil Editor said...Those wondering about the author's reference to her earlier query, it was # 130.

pjd said...Besides EE's comments, my only real problem was with the name Shadowrealm. I've always wondered about the "alternate dimension" being named something like Shadowrealm. I mean, when Columbus arrived, native Americans didn't call their land Shadowspain, did they? If we had an alternate dimension on Earth, what makes you so sure THIS is not the "shadow" of the other? I think you should name it Place, and the magical creatures could refer to the "real" world as Otherplace, or perhaps Otterplace since this is where the otters live.

December Quinn said...Yeah, I think if you kill all the cutesy "pixy dust union"-type stuff, you could have a fun read. Why shouldn't we laugh at fantasy? Do a hook for the Discworld books and it could sound awfully twee, too. But you should emphasize that. Focus on the conflict, and how irritated Puck gets by all the fairy dust everywhere. Or whatever. Just explain the dichotomy, let us know you see it, too. And lol on the meeting with the agent! One of the best bits ever.

Maggie Stiefvater said... I'm with those who say that the cutesy stuff may go. The story itself already sounds cutesy and you want to come off sounding like the sane one, not one of the leprechauns. If I were an editor, I'd want to see a reference to what age group you thought you'd be snagging. If this is a picture book, it makes me willing to read more pages. If it's an adult book where Puck and Kellen have a sordid shagging scene, I might think twice. (though it would give new meaning to your title)

writtenwyrdd said...That last paragraph of stupid cuteness needs to go. Other than that, the letter seems pretty decent. I'm just not sure that the story you describe is interesting enough.

Here's why:
1. PI named Puck seeking girl kidnapped by agents of Shadowrealm. Reads like dark urban fantasy.
2. Leprechaun connection. Reads like kid's story for mid-level, 8-12 year olds.
3. Elfen warrior Puck the PI has the hots for. Reads like paranormal romance.
4. Puck is the lost heir of the Faerie throne. Black hole of nothingness. Trolls as bad guys having taken over. Reads like a fairy tale, or the "I'm really a fairy princess" stories little girls fantasize about. E.G. another mid-level element.

This story sounds, as presented, schizophrenic. Not sure where it is going. Maybe it is the names that are off putting, but Shadowrealm is pretty much like several other terms for other worlds I can think of; and leprechauns make me think of overly sweet kids' cereal.

Keep at it, though, this sounds like with some focusing you could have a workable and saleable story.

writtenwyrdd said...As a second thought, which you can blame paca for as he gave me the idea, have Puck be a guy with the elf hitting on him. He can't just ditch the guy as he needs him; but the humor in the situation of fending off a lecherous elf would be cool. For an adult novel, anyhow...

New Beginning 916

2012-01-12T10:30:00.002-05:00

She crossed her legs as if to keep him out, but he had already come and gone. Before he left he threatened to return. He punched her and knocked the wind out of her, so that he could get away before she could scream.

“All the time I lay there curled up, I could still feel his knife at my throat.”

She chewed her nails. When her nails were chewed away, she chewed the skin at the end of her fingers.

“I call the police nearly every day. They must be tired of me by now. They never have anything new to report. I'm just another statistic that everyone wishes would go away.”

Young, pretty, Caucasian brunette with short hair. Whatever the serial rapist was targeting it wasn't physical. In previous victims every one of those variables had changed.

“What do you want me to do?”

Unemployed secretary. Types 60 words per minute. 75 after her fingers heal. He might have found her online. Twitter. Facebook. RapeNet.

"Do you sell colored chalk here, mister?"

She knew he'd be back. Just a matter of time. She'd bought a crossbow.

"Hey, Ginny! Either turn off the television or turn off the audio book. It's driving me crazy."

Opening: D Jason Cooper.....Continuation: Evil Editor

New Beginning 915

2012-01-11T08:15:00.003-05:00

What was I doing on this diving board?

I was so high up, a plane might graze the top of my head. It hadn’t seemed that far when my feet had been on the ground. The kids in the line before me had no problems. Some had dived off, others jumped, and one had flip-flopped.

I’d been fine going up the ladder. It wasn’t until I reached the platform and looked down that it all went wrong. The diving tower must have stretched and grown on my climb.

My stomach felt heavy, like it did after Christmas lunch when I'd had three servings of pudding. Except worse, because my heart was thud-thudding in my ears. My legs felt wobbly, and I needed to sit down. The life guard asked if I was ok, but I couldn’t answer.

There were only two ways down. The kids waiting on the steps were starting to point and giggle. Think how much harder they’d laugh if I climbed back down.

"Hey mister. Nice swimsuit," one of the brats called out, setting off a round of snickers. "What do those two E's on your butt stand for, Enormous Elephant?"

The nerve of that pipsqueak, mocking my custom-made Speedo! I'd show him. I shuffled out to the very end of the springboard, which sagged sickeningly. It was a mile down. Why did I have to take Grisham up on his stupid dare?

As it turned out, I never had to jump. With a loud crack the board gave way. Must have been all that pudding. My belly flop stung like hell, but at least I had the satisfaction of splashing out so much water that they had to close the pool for the day and send those twerps home.

Opening: JAS.....Continuation: John

The 4th Annual Write-Like-Poe Exercise

2012-01-10T09:35:00.005-05:00

It's been a while since we've done a writing exercise, but with Edgar Allan Poe's birthday approach- ing, it's time for another opportunity to demonstrate your inner Poe-ness. You'll find the previous Poe exercises in the archives on 1/19/11, 1/17/10 and 1/25/09.

300 words max, please. Send as a comment to this post or as an email. Deadline 1/15.

New Beginning 914

2012-01-09T11:00:00.004-05:00

“Auntie! Is this right? You MET Ernest Hemingway?” my niece, looks up from my journals with her hands around the single diary I want to keep. I can’t take much to the assisted living home. Ginny sits cross legged on the floor, I’m in my mother’s rocker, setting an easy pace.

My niece is here to pack and sort me out for the assisted living\ nursing home. I nearly burned the house down with me in it a couple of months ago. I got confused. The kettle cord and the toaster oven cord look alike. Ginny stepped in. She’s my guardian now.

Ginny, my niece, I think I said that already, but anyway Ginny is the girl I took care of while her mother suffered one of her annual crises years back. The crisis occurred as soon as school finished and dissipated mid August. The crises went on until Ginny graduated high school. She’s terrific at organizing. My journals are splayed out on the Persian rug before us. I always kept a journal. The journals are the proof of my life.

“Yes dear. I did.” She reads swiftly, her fingers turn the pages swiftly. She reads, laughs, reads, flips more pages and looks at me in amazement.

“You had an affair with Ernest Hemingway?” Her eyes are big and bright.

"Oh, yes, dear. He was a marvelous man!"

Ernest. Ernie. The man my mother couldn't stand. Or was that Ralph? I don't know. All I recall is that he was a writer, something to do with books. Books and a beard. An amazing beard that tickled whenever he-- Well, Ginny's a little young yet, I don't want her to read-- "Hey, gimme that diary! Who said you could look at my private stuff?"

Opening: Wilkins MacQueen.....Continuation: Khazar-khum

EVIL EDITOR CLASSICS

2012-01-08T10:20:00.007-05:00

Guess the Plot

40 Weeks

1. 40 chapters, each covering a week in the pregnancy of a woman who'd rather not be pregnant, except that it gives her an excuse to get away from her husband to see the hunky obstetrician she has a crush on.

2. A Boots and Babies romance meets Alien when pregnant Kaylee Ann discovers the truth about her beau Cody: he's from LA.

3. Hounded by the IRS, her abandoned husband, and the Guinness Book of World Records, former cokehead and nymphomaniac Carla West struggles with her worst addiction yet: she just can't get enough rehab.

4. After a supernatural force possesses Sarah on her wedding night, compelling her to slaughter a conference room full of show chickens, her groom uses a mystical amulet to travel 40 weeks into the past and try to prevent the tragedy--while also saving his marriage.

5. Marian's baby is overdue and she's tired of being pregnant. She creates a blog that she writes on a laptop from her bed, airing her soon-to-be ex's dirty laundry. When she's satisfied that all has been said, Marian falls asleep. But then Baby slips out, takes over the laptop and blogs some surprising tales about Marian.

6. Crystal Devereaux, a wealthy heiress, becomes pregnant and her dad must wait forty weeks to find out if the father of the child is Duke Herald, a Vegas Casino owner, or Paco Grande, a wandering gypsy she met in Vegas. If the father is Duke, there will a wedding at Shotgun Pete's. If it's Paco . . . the shotgun will still come into play.

Original Version

Dear Ms. xx,

It’s a simple fact. Whether or not they want one, all women think about babies and procreating. [I think you mean all men . . . Oh, wait, "procreating." I thought you said "procrastinating."] Some women can’t wait to become mothers. Some women plan every single detail on how and when they will become pregnant, timing it out perfectly so they are back in their swimsuits for summer. And some women let the idea slip into their minds, but then throw that biological clock all the way across the bedroom so it won’t buzz in their ear anymore.

But what if the husband’s biological clock is ticking? What if he’s ready to procreate but his wife isn’t? [Isn't that always the case? . . . Oh, wait, "procreate." I thought you said "fornicate."] What if his wife is focusing on her marriage, her recent promotion, her infertile sister, Thursday Happy Hour, and an anniversary trip to Jamaica? [Too bad the sister is infertile, or Evil Editor would have the obvious solution.] What if the wife is so preoccupied with all these things, she forgets to take her pill and begins the 40-week process of procreating [Can't we occasionally use a less clinical word than "procreating"? For instance, in paragraph 1: . . . all women think about babies and pregnancy. From Paragraph 2: What if he’s ready to screw all night and the consequences be damned but his wife isn’t? And: . . . she forgets to take her pill and begins the 40-week process of offspring manufacture.] even though she’s so far from ready, nothing will prepare her for this!

Meet Ellen McMillan, Visual Display Creative Director, Wife, and now, Pregnant Woman. My 110,000-word novel, 40 Weeks, spans the 40 weeks of Ellen McMillan's pregnancy, each chapter being a week in her journey to motherhood and everything that collides in her life during that time. The story is told in first-person, present-tense,

[Chapter 36

The baby kicks me. It hurts. He kicks me again. The little bastard. Adam walks into the room, Adam and his fucking biological clock. I pull the Glock from beneath my pillow and gleefully unload it into his chest. The baby kicks me again. Somehow this time it doesn't hurt nearly as much.

Or is it told from the kid's point of view?

Chapter 29

"Hey," I scream, "it's been 29 weeks, would somebody turn on a goddamn light?!" Nothing.

Christ, it's boring as hell in here.

I politely ask, "Could you play something besides the soundtrack from Les Miz out there?! If I hear 'Master of the House' one more time, I'm gonna puke." The music continues. I kick the bitch in the stomach.]

and is unique in that it is quite possibly a genre not yet defined--a suspenseful yet comedic, not-quite chick-lit, on-the-verge-of-mom-lit, emotionally charged novel. [Not to rain on your parade, but "Suspenseful yet comedic, not-quite chick-lit, on-the-verge-of-mom-lit, emotionally charged novel" is one of the categories in the RWA's annual Hearts and Heroes contest--and has been for twenty years.]

Here's a brief summary: [Finally we get to the important part, the part where you repeat everything you've already said, plugging in the characters' names.]

Ellen McMillan’s plan for the next forty weeks didn’t involve tip-toeing around her infertile sister, lusting after her hot OB, housebreaking a pet, and suffering through painful varicose veins. She didn’t plan on second-guessing everything her husband did and spilling tears like an annoying drippy faucet, but thanks to the Two Hearts pregnancy test, she’s doing all this and more! [Thanks to a pregnancy test she's housebreaking a pet?] [Has she asked her infertile sister if she'd like to adopt a kid?]

Ellen and her husband, Adam - married almost five years - are still living their lives as newlyweds and have planned a Caribbean vacation to celebrate their anniversary. Ellen’s just become Visual Display Creative Director for a national department store where she is finally running the show, and she’s thrilled with her up-and-coming career. She’s got a doting husband, an exciting marriage, a caring (yet slightly dysfunctional) family, great friends, and a cool social life. She’s having the time of her life, and she's not slowing down for anyone or anything! [Little of this is important enough to be in the query.]

When Ellen discovers she’s pregnant, she’s beyond shocked. It’s nothing she ever expected or wanted at this stage in her life. She realizes that Thursday-night Happy Hour at The Living Room bar has just come to a screeching and sober halt. [With all she's got going for her, you'd think giving up half-price pitchers on Thursday nights would be low on the list of sobering realizations.]

Is dealing with morning sickness, weight gain and varicose veins really that bad? Add to the angst of a first-time pregnancy: an OB who makes her insides flutter (and it’s not because the baby’s kicking!), a pregnant boss who thinks mothers can't also have careers, and a husband who is suddenly MIA, and things in Ellen's life really swirl out of control. [You like to make lists, don't you?] [You suggested in paragraph 2 that the husband's biological clock was ticking. He should be thrilled. Instead you say he's MIA?]

Along the way, an intriguing stranger, medical mishaps, and the discovery of a family secret forces [force] Ellen to step back and take a long, hard look at where she’s been, where she’s going, who she is, and who she wants to be.

You'd think forty weeks would give someone plenty of time to figure it all out, [I'm just wondering if I'll be done reading this query in 40 weeks.] but time's running out and Ellen's got to get it all together before the water breaks, she dilates to ten, and she becomes the most important person in the world: a Mother.

I have a journalism degree from Northern Illinois University and have been published in Parenting, Pregnancy, Parents Express, Curious Parents, The Philadelphia Inquirer, The Bucks County Courier Times, and www.iparenting.com. I've written for www.babyzone.com for three years and am an editor for their Web site's weekly e-newsletter. I have also been featured as Writer of the Month in Writers Success, an e-newsletter for writers. My personal blog has been recently nominated for a Best Of Blog award in the Mom Category. [Too many credits.]

It is my hope that the publication of 40 Weeks will bring joy and introspection to a rainbow of women – those who anxiously await motherhood, those who have already been through the experience, and like Ellen, even those women who aren't quite sure there are batteries in their biological clocks!

I do thank you for taking the time to consider my novel, and if you are interested, I would be happy to send you a detailed synopsis or the manuscript.

Sincerely,

Revised Version

Dear Ms. xx,

Meet Ellen McMillan: career woman, wife, and now, mother-to-be. Ellen's plan for the next forty weeks didn’t involve morning sickness and varicose veins. With a doting husband and a career she loves, pregnancy is the last thing she wanted at this stage in her life.

Add to the angst of a first-time pregnancy an OB who makes her insides flutter (and not because the baby’s kicking!), and a husband who's suddenly MIA, and Ellen's life begins to swirl out of control. You'd think forty weeks would be plenty of time to figure out where she’s going, who she is, and who she wants to be, but time's running out.

My 110,000-word novel, 40 Weeks, spans Ellen's pregnancy, each chapter a week in her journey to motherhood. It is my hope that this comedic, emotionally charged book will bring joy and introspection to women who anxiously await motherhood and even those who aren't quite sure there are batteries in their biological clocks!

I have been published in Parenting, Pregnancy, Parents Express, and The Philadelphia Inquirer. I've also written for www.babyzone.com for three years. I thank you for taking the time to consider my novel, and would be happy to send a detailed synopsis or the manuscript.

Sincerely,

Notes

It's not that the longer version is terrible, it's just that some editors and agents have short attention spans, and as you don't know . . . Sorry, what was I talking about?

Some readers find the present tense annoying. In this case a reader could infer that Ellen is writing the book during her pregnancy, and will wonder if she'd be more into motherhood if she were less focused on writing about it.

Selected Comments

Anonymous said...Forgot to take her birth control? If I fail to take my vitamin the result will not dramatically change my life in a million ways I don't want and I NEVER forget to take it. How could you forget to take the pill? She didn't forget to have sex, did she?

Lea said...As a woman with very sluggish batteries in my biological clock, this query is a major turn off, and doesn't suggest that the book would stir much personal introspection for me. As the author's list of credits seem to show that she is not only a mother, but an expert mother, does she really know what it would be like to be a woman who is not only surprised but absolutely blind-sided by a pregnancy? And is this character able to figure everything out in those 40 weeks, or does she just lay the foundation that will help her along the way? Does she make this miraculous tranformation from Anti-Pregnancy to Greatest Mom in the World, or does she just adjust her attitude from Anti-Pregnancy to "I'm going to give this my best shot, and probably mess up a lot a long the way?"

And I have to say that the one line that REALLY turned me off was "and she becomes the most important person in the world: a Mother." Mom's are important, sure, but the way that's phrased seems to devalue every man and every woman who isn't a mother. As a woman who isn't a mother, I read that line and suddenly felt insulted, as if my importance in the world is only calculated by the fact that I do or don't have children. Maybe instead of "becoming the most important person in the world", the protagonist could "take on the most important job in the world: Mother." That keeps all people at equal value, but places the importance on the job the mother does, not the mother herself.

Anonymous said..."and she becomes the most important person in the world: a Mother." Ugh, I hate it when women are labeled according to whether they're mothers or not. I'm just as worthy and important as a single than as a mother of five kids. Womanhood doesn't equal motherhood or even "wifehood". Sorry, had to get that outta my chest;-)

tlh said...thanks to the Two Hearts pregnancy test. Oh, is THAT how that works. Better avoid that aisle of the drugstore from now on, just in case.

Anonymous said...I forget my pill all the time. Must be why I have 17 rugrats running around.

Anonymous said...I'm glad EE pulled your orginal first paragraph. Making broad swipes about what huge segments of the population want or consider is just not impressive.
-A, who doesn't actually ever think about babies

Anonymous said...Whether or not they want one, all women think about babies and procreating. Horse hockey! This sentence really turned me off because it's not true. I'm no lesser a person because I chose not to have children.

Evil Editor said...While the incensed reactions to the claim that a mom is the most important person in the world are legitimate, one imagines that the manuscript will be sent to a variety of publishers, many of them publishers of parenting books. In that case, this highly misguided statement may not be seen as repellent.

kis said...Forgetting to take your pill sucks. What sucks even more is getting knocked up without forgetting to take your pill (one of my sisters), or while using condoms AND a diaphragm (my other sister), or while tripling your methods out of the blind, wailing terror of one more squawling brat (guess who that was). Superfecundity ought to be a registered medical condition that comes with a disability pension. Curse my mother's genes!!! But hey, I'm not bitter...

I do love being a mother, and wouldn't trade little Oops for anything in the world. I'm just saying, if you trust the pill, you're crazy. Know what 99% effective means? It means after one year, out of 100 women using the pill PROPERLY, only one of them will be pregnant. Women everywhere are gambling on the odds that they, by some miracle, won't be that one woman. Now that I've had my say, I'm off to get my tubes tied. :)

December Quinn said...Thank goodness you took out all those "procreating"s. It started to feel like an ad for a nature program. :-) Depending on how this is handled, I'd be interested, but it's definitely NOT a new genre or idea. I can come up with quite a large list of women-on-the-verge-of-pregnancy/do-they-want-babies kinds of books, some of which I read when I was a young teen, some of which were published before I was born.

Gina said...Geez... and I thought Miss Snark was mean... wow. I hope that everyone who felt it necessary to be so absolutely negative at least had the balls to post their query too... but probably not since most of you hide behind the anonymous log in...

Daisy said...Point taken, EE, that some editors won't be icked out by the assertion that all women are always thinking about procreating (and the ones who don't want to procreate only don't want to do so because they are in denial--trying to escape from the noise of "the buzz" of the clock, which seems to be inevitable).

But the assertion really is off-putting. It's offensive to be told what I MUST be thinking about. That - coupled with the smugness of the suggestion that while mothers are important people, childless womens' top priority is happy hour - will surely be as distasteful to all the women agents and editors out there as it is to me.

And who has an "exciting marriage"? I've got a terrific marriage, but exciting?

I love kids, but I really never think about procreating until someone mentions to me that I'm knocking on forty's door and don't have any of my own. I work 80 hours a week--I don't have time to think about having kids, let alone actually have them.

I do, however, make time to slack off in the middle of the day and read blogs. Priorities.

Evil Editor said...Point taken, EE, that some editors won't be icked out by the assertion that all women are always thinking about procreating. Actually, I removed that statement from the revised version.

Rei said...Yeaouch! A thirteen paragraph query? With a run-on in paragraph two? I mean, I was thinking mine was overly long, but if agents and editors are getting queries like this, perhaps I shouldn't worry.

[quote]Know what 99% effective means? It means after one year, out of 100 women using the pill PROPERLY, only one of them will be pregnant.[/quote]

Of course, if the person is like my older sister, who reports that all three of her children were "accidental" while on the pill, you start to wonder. I am curious as to whether she actually consumes them daily, or whether she just keeps them at her beside as a ward or charm against pregnancy.

Daisy said...Moms ARE important. Moms and dads should get tons of support from their employers, from the government, etc. Caring for another human being is an awesome and lifechanging responsibility.

But are the choices between parenthood and martini-soaked preoccupation with career, excitement, and "coolness"? Probably not.

To be fair, of course, having a character who has these choices doesn't mean that the author or the book is suggesting that these are the only two choices, but the tone of the query seemed a little dismissive of childless people. Well, not PEOPLE so much as women.

And there are plenty of shallow women who have children and become shallow women with children.

The author has certainly struck a chord--this is a good thing, maybe. Folks certainly feel strongly about this issue.

Chumplet said...It seems that every mother-to-be is hard wired to assume that they are the centre of the universe during their pregnancy. I never thought I'd feel that way, but, boy, was I surprised. Now that I'm pushing fifty and my kids are well on their way to independence, I still have (disturbing?) dreams of being pregnant. What's up with that?

Writerious said...While a novel about a woman in mid-career having to break stride because she's unexpectedly pregnant might be interesting, the "how wonderful to be a mommy!" overtones are a bit offputting. The book as originally described I'd never pick up off the shelf. In fact, I'd probably ward it off with a crucifix and Holy water. EE's revamp makes it at least more palatable.

I'd still be a trifle cautious about labeling "Mom" as the most important job in the world IF this is a hint that the best choice the MC can make is to give up a career she loves to mommyhood (being there for your kids is crucial, but sacrificing your own sense of self is not, and sets a bad example). It's nice if you have the support and the mindset, but women who have no choice about single-momhood-and-career because death, divorce, or other circumstances (::raising hand::), and women who choose to continue their careers because they would go stark raving mad if they quit and stayed home, may not have much patience with such a judgement. They're still good moms, love their kids, and are as "expert" about momhood as anyone can be.

And Gina -- yes, I posted my query, too for the EE rip 'n tear and lived to tell about it. How 'bout you?

Brenda Bradshaw said...Well, I guess the dad has super-sperm. Whereas you can get pregnant while on the pill (meet my almost-16-year-old daughter), MOST times you can skip a day and be fine catching up the next day. The idea that she got pregnant BECAUSE of missing one time caused a red flag for me. And if she's that anal, she wouldn't have "forgotten". I think the story would be stronger if she got pregnant while religiously taking her pills.

Anonymous said...i think the "happily childfree" is a self-segregating segment of society and we would naturally steer clear of this book in droves, so the revulsion to the ridiculous "everyone wants one" (a cocktail or a baby) message is understandably enough of a warning to readers.

there's an audience for this book: "The Smug Marrieds" (a la Bridget Jones) and "The Smug Mommies."

kis said...Rei, I'm on the pill at the moment, and I take it religiously. But it's a STRONG pill--the maxi as opposed to mini. When I was on the mini-pill, it didn't even regulate my cycle. Hell, if it can't regulate my period, why would I think it's stopping ovulation.

Some women have systems that just like to be at their default settings. That's what feedback loops are all about--hormone regulation. Introduce a new mix, and in time a woman's body may find a way to work around it.

And let's not forget that being on the pill for 6 months or more can PERMANENTLY damage a woman's sex drive. (Not as much as a screaming baby does, though.)

Now my birth control regimen involves the pill, barrier, foam, and incantations in the nude under a full moon. And I don't make eye contact with my husband for seven out of twenty-eight days.

But hey, whatever works, right? ;)

Prestidigitator said...i think the "happily childfree" is a self-segregating segment of society and we would naturally steer clear of this book in droves, so the revulsion to the ridiculous "everyone wants one" (a cocktail or a baby) message is understandably enough of a warning to readers.

I agree. I'd never read this book, because I don't want children, can no longer have them (through my own choices), and can't even comprehend how anyone would. But there are plenty of people who don't understand how you could not want children who would probably relate to this book.

I don't know about the present tense, though. That's hard to read.

virginia said...Why didn't she have an abortion?

Anonymous said...Not meaning to piss on the book, but realistically, if *I* had a pregnancy I didn't want, I would just get an abortion. Not to mention talk to my SO about getting a vasectomy. Especially if I was greatly enjoying my life the way it was going, which seems to be how it is for the protagonist.

Maybe mom-types will enjoy perpetuating the illusion that every woman wants to be pregnant because it validates their own wants/needs/desires, and in that way, the book will find an audience.
Signed, an anonymous person you wouldn't know from Adam (Eve?) even if I posted my real name.

kis said...Maybe she's a closet pro-lifer? Maybe the idea of an abortion is ickier to her than the notion of natural childbirth. There are people out there--myself included--who are pro-choice, and still would not choose to have an abortion. Of course, ask me after my next Oops (and the nineteen linear feet of stretch marks that come with it) and I might think different. ;)

slamrxvq said...I'm amazed that so many commenters appear to have read the entire query. I saw how long it was, then saw that the novel was 110,000 words... since each chapter is a week of the pregnancy, is there an increase in swelling and bloating as the chapters wear on? Does the reader feel like the only thing they want to do is get rid of the damn book when chapter 36 finally drags its tired self into view? Dunno... judging from the query, there may be room for a little trim-down in the novel itself. One wonders.

a guy said...I just wandered in, took a look around, and now I'm wandering back out feeling ever so slightly uncomfortable. I don't belong here, and I know I just got one of those looks... I don't even like being there when my wife buys her underthings.

kis said...Hey, and actually, the 40 weeks of pregnancy refers to the time between the first day of your last period and the due date. Technically, for the first two weeks, the MC wouldn't even be pregnant! And for the two weeks following, she'd have no idea she was.

The book should be stretched out over 36 weeks. It would only be 40 if she was WAY overdue.

Of course, my last kid was a full 27 days late, and weighed in at 11 lbs, 3 1/2 oz, so hey, it's not impossible. And now you all know where my aversion to pregnancy began... :)

McKoala said...I don't think that the writer should be put off by the fact that not everybody likes the subject matter. That's true of a lot of novels. I think there's probably an audience for this - chick lit grads maybe.

The query was too long, but the writer's enthusiasm shone through. I liked EEs rewrite.

kis - ouch.

Anonymous said...I was gonna OUT myself here, but am kind of getting heart palpitations at the thought! You guys are scary! So, I'm just going to say thanks for the feedback, because I now do view my query differently, (and it had been revised prior to EE's post anyway).

Anon 11:37--When I wrote this:
Whether or not they want one, all women think about babies and procreating... it was absolutely true--you are a woman, and you obviously thought about babies and procreating because you chose NOT to have children. You thought about it. I didn't write: All women dream of the day they will have a child.

My point was if you are a woman, you have given some thought on whether or not motherhood is for you.

And I have never, not once, swear on my children's lives (yes, because, believe it or not, I do have one, or two... okay three) I've never seen a single episode of SITC or is it SATC?

And kis--the novel does start at Week 3, when that squirmy little sperm goes on the egg hunt.

Thanks everyone!

ohmmply said...I'm a mom. I read chick-lit sometimes and have subscribed to parent magazines. But I did not like this query. The story sounded boring to me.

Forgetting to take b/c pills sounded lame. I remember those days in my life, and I remember forgetting to take the pill-a one time slip up, you just take the next day and keep up as usual. Nothing happens--unless you are super fecud woman (and yes, I too know of women who conceived despite zealous precautions). But if this mc is super fecund, she either knows already or is very young, neither of which sounds consistent with the rest of the plot. So this idea--getting pregnant by a one-time missed pill-- just sounded to me unbelievable, like a plot device to move the story forward and not real.

Like some others posting comments, I wondered if the mc thought about abortion or would that be too intense in a light comedy? If she didn't, though, seems like her aversion to being pregnant and becoming a mom aren't real.

I, too, didn't like the "most important person" line. EE's viewpoint counts for more though, so who cares what I think on that point.

Also, I didn't get the reference to the pregnant boss who thinks you can't be a mom and have a career. What is that character planning on doing? Or is that the mc?

When you love your story, it's hard to hear from others who don't. But these comments are here to help us learn. I learn from thinking through other's plots and what doesn't work for me, so this exercise is helping me.

There may be those agents, publishers and readers who will love the premise and your writing. And those of us turned off by the query will be proven "wrong."

You've got to feel good that you have too many credits! Wow!

kis said...anon, for what it's worth, I didn't take that "whether they want one or not" line the wrong way like some reactionaries here did. And I don't think the premise is boring.

If so many people have issues with the whole forgot her pill thing, why don't you have her devious, wannabe-dad boyfriend switch them out with tic tacs or something? Or give her food poisoning--they don't work if you barf them up three days in a row. Or I've heard there are medications that interfere with the pill's effectiveness, and doctors often don't tell you until it's too late. "Oh, did I forget to mention you should use condoms while you take these antibiotics? Whoops, heh heh..."

Rei said...Whether or not they want one, all women think about babies and procreating... it was absolutely true--you are a woman, and you obviously thought about babies and procreating because you chose NOT to have children. You thought about it. I didn't write: All women dream of the day they will have a child.

You know, this reminds me a bit of a Dave Barry column:

Dear Mister Language Person: I am curious about the expression, "Part of
this complete breakfast". The way it comes up is, my 5-year-old will be
watching TV cartoon shows in the morning, and they'll show a commercial for
a children's compressed breakfast compound such as "Froot Loops" or "Lucky
Charms", and they always show it sitting on a table next to some actual food
such as eggs, and the announcer always says: "Part of this complete
breakfast". Don't that really mean, "Adjacent to this complete breakfast",
or "On the same table as this complete breakfast"? And couldn't they make
essentially the same claim if, instead of Froot Loops, they put a can of
shaving cream there, or a dead bat?

Answer: Yes.
-- Dave Barry, "Tips for Writer's"

Yes, essentially all women have thought about having children. Essentially all women have thought about the Nazis, too. If I wrote a book about the Third Reich, how do you think it would be taken if I started out with:

"Whether or not they want to be one, all women think about Hitler and other Nazis."

And then I defended it with:

"it was absolutely true--you are a woman, and you obviously thought about Hitler and the Nazis because you chose NOT to be a Nazi."

There's a big difference between thinking about something and being seriously concerned with the topic in one way or another. Despite what you may believe, not all women are seriously concerned with the subject of childbearing. Over the course of my life, I have probably given it less thought than I have the subject of C++ polymorphism.

kis said...Oh, c'mon rei, Nazis? The big diff is that you can avoid becoming a nazi without ever giving it any real consideration at all. But as a woman who occasionally has the energy for sex, I can't NOT have a kid unless I do something proactive. Something that DOES take some thought. Even if that just means as an afterthought.

(I've heard douching with diet coke is quite effective, actually, and in the words of Cecil Adams, "if you wake up hung-over next to the incredible hulk, well, any port in a storm.")

Sorry for the visual, guys. :)

Watercolorz said...I don’t know maybe I am just a freak, but there was a rash of top of the world career, oops we are pregnant instances amongst my peer group.

It went something like this…

You are working to get a head putting in crazy hours, sex, food, health club, even your beloved roots take a back seat to completing the proposal, brief, closing the deal.

You exist on caffeine and take out, you never see your man, and everything is haywire until you reach the finish line of your goal. You relax, shave your legs have a few cocktails, some celebratory sex…

And a few weeks later you are trying to remember your last period, you chalk it up to stress, and then you look for the answer in your birth control pill pack, if you can find it.

You try to remember when you took the last one, and why you didn’t get that refill, and the next thing you know you are peeing on a stick promising whatever dog governs such things a complete turn around of your life, if only the stick isn’t blue.

That’s how smart, career focused competent women end up crying when they hear Kenny Chesney’s THERE GOES MY LIFE. Why there are some among us who can’t even read the lyrics without choking up big time…

Because it does change you completely and forever ~W

(leaves before the loss of street cred because they think I’ve gone all soft)

Rei said...Kis: Then replace "Nazis" with "car accidents". Unless you don't want to drive, you have to be proactive to avoid car accidents. Probably about as few women in America don't drive as are celibate.

What bothered me about the author's defense of the statement was that she treated the sentence as a vague truism that is only correct using the most encompassing definition of "thought". Yet, in the query, she made it sound like an obsession: "It's a simple fact. Whether or not they want one, all women think about babies and procreating." It would be like me saying "It's a simple fact. Irregardless of how hard they try to prevent them, all women think about driving and car accidents."

Her lip service to those who *don't* want children and hardly think about the subject of childbearing was "some women let the idea slip into their minds, but then throw that biological clock all the way across the bedroom so it won’t buzz in their ear anymore."

Perhaps there was some huge calling to breed for the author, a "simple fact" that there was a biological clock "buzzing" in her ear, but that's not the case for every woman. To start out the query with "It's a simple fact" and then declare things about "all women" that are only true in the most vague sense of the word "thought" feels insulting.

She can declare that sort of stuff in her book all she wants; after all, her target audience is mothers. They may well eat it up. In her pages, she could claim that all women want to be astronauts if her target audience was astronauts and those who want to be astronauts. However, the query letter goes to agents, not to the audience. If the agent is someone who never thinks about having children, this query will likely cause the same sort of harsh reaction that it did to so many readers here. You don't want to start off your first paragraph by inadvertently insulting your potential agent.

Do you agree?

kis said...Maybe it should be "It's a simple fact, whether they want one or not, all women have thought about babies and procreating. Still not a gem of a sentence, but better than before, no?

kis said...And definitely, you don't want to start off offending a potential agent. But I think the instant and scathing reaction of so many commentors shows a bit of a thin skin in that regard.

It comes down to whether someone offends out of ignorance or malice aforethought. I think in this case it was ignorance, and when the author gets her foot out of the upper end of her alimentary canal, she'll probably rethink the sentence--likely the entire letter.

(So what about all those people out there who were desperate to become mothers, and then after a long night of cleaning up kid-barf have second thoughts. You just can't put the little buggers back where they came from, more's the pity.)

Lea said...Kis, I disagree that it is ignorance that caused the author to offend so many readers, but more than likely a lack of thought on her part. I doubt that she was ignorant of the fact that there might be women out there who disagree with her ideas on childbearing, but rather I think she mistakenly tried to show how her book could appeal to every woman. She says:

"It is my hope that the publication of 40 Weeks will bring joy and introspection to a rainbow of women ... [including]women who aren't quite sure there are batteries in their biological clocks!"

It was neither ignorance, nor malice, but rather a mistaken hope that this story would touch women who have no wish for children, which is seems to be not so from the reactions above.

I take issue with your saying that some of the commentators have a thin skin with this issue though. It's not a thin skin as much as a straw that broke the camels' back. I'm sick and tired of most of society telling me that I'm not complete without children, everyone from my grandmother to commercial television to celeb magazines that show babies as the new must-have accessories in Hollywood. It's a daily thing, a constant thing, and this query seems to foster that idea. America is OBSESSED with motherhood, babies are miracles, mommies are the most important people in the world, family values for our precious children, blah blah blah... It gets old after a while. I think that most of the above comments on this topic are less about this particular query and more about fighting against society.

Book Chat 46

2012-01-07T09:06:00.004-05:00

The Forest of Hands and Teeth

by Carrie Ryan

In the comments.

An edited version of the chat is now posted at EvilEditor.net.

EVIL EDITOR CLASSICS

2012-01-06T09:00:00.006-05:00

Guess the Plot

Tara Born of Tears

1. Tara was born to the sidhe, a magical child with vast powers--but one weakness: she is always crying. Though she's practically a superhero, she's also a social outcast. When Derrick discovers her secret, can he make her smile at last?

2. Vishnu is pissed. Zeus became famous just for pulling fully-formed Athena out of his forehead. It's enough to make a creation god cry, but if Vishnu manages to produce a woman from eye water, then the Greek Gods'll be lucky if anyone even remembers them a century from now.

3. Tara Fletcher came out of her mother's womb bathed not in amniotic fluid, but tears. She's spent the first twenty five years of her life locked up in a lab, being poked, prodded and researched. Now, however, she's out--and she wants revenge.

4. Surrounded by the death and destruction of an interplanetary war, a ragtag group of survivors resolves to make a new life for themselves on the unexplored world of Tara.

5. If anyone in this world is unlucky, it's Tara Scott. Is it fated that she will always be the one to know sorrow, or can she take the advice of the village crone and make her own destiny as a sports mascot?

6. Alice wants to have a baby and name it Tara, but it has been foretold that her child will die unless it's conceived by having sex with a man who lives naked in a junkyard. Is there any way to find romance in the back seat of a junked '92 Oldmobile?

Original Version

Thank you for looking at this query for Tara Born of Tears, paranormal fiction, 90k words.

A year ago Alice Goode’s five year old son Bobby drowned. Now she is haunted by the belief that his spirit is trapped between lives, searching for her. A shaman tells her that she must find the right man to give birth to her son’s reincarnation. [Did you mean shaman or conman?] She tries, but with the wrong man and has a miscarriage. [Does she know anything about the "right man," or did she just see some hunky guy and think, Yeah, that's him?] Doctors warn her that another pregnancy is dangerous. She may have one more chance, but with no idea how to find the right man, Alice becomes desperate. She doesn’t even know his name. [Is it Theodore Amer?]

It is Theodore Amer. [I almost changed my guess to Julius Papanicolau. Always trust your first instinct.] Beneath a comic mask of irony, he conceals an anguish even from himself. A misfit genius, he possesses the gift of revealing a person’s essence with a secret name. [What does that mean?] [Wait, is the secret name Julius Papanicolau?] He can show someone their path in life and forge a bond. Though he desperately needs to use this ability, he is unaware it exists. [Does anyone know it exists? And what do you mean by: He can forge a bond? Is it a kind of bond normal people can't forge?] [What happens if he doesn't use this ability?] [It would be dangerous to have a super power and be unaware it exists. How many people had to die before Superman realized he was frying them with his heat vision? How many petty criminals did Superman murder before he realized he should pull his punches? How many people are dying of cancer today because Superman used his X-Ray vision on them twenty years ago?] This isolates him, lunacy scratching at his door, [Actually, I think that's Krazy Kat.] left with an ache of the soul which he must pretend away. [Is this ache of the soul he pretends away the same as the anguish he conceals even from himself? I'm not sure how much anguish and soul aching you can have over something you don't know exists, but if we must hear about it, once is enough.] [To you, this paragraph conveys the essence of your character's inner conflict. To me it's just the excuse I was looking for to ball up your query and toss it at the wastebasket.] [Yes! Three-pointer!] After a shattering personal loss, he surrenders to madness, abandons his life, and finds himself living naked in a junkyard. Only one woman can bring him peace, a hospice nurse named Alice Goode. [If I'm Alice, and the only way I'm gonna get pregnant is by screwing a guy living naked in a junkyard, I'm looking into adoption.]

Notes

What happens in your book?

Which came first: the decision to live naked or the decision to live in a junkyard? I ask only because a junkyard is one of the bottom three places I would want to live if I had no clothes, the other two being an apiary and a maximum security prison.

I'd like a clearer idea of Theodore's power. That he has the gift of revealing a person’s essence with a secret name isn't doing it for me.

How is Alice supposed to find Theodore? Do they even live in the same country? Why would she look for Mr. Right in a junkyard?

The title could lead readers to think Tara is a main character, yet she/he/it isn't in the query. How big a role does Tara play in the book? Does the book end when Tara is born?

Selected Comments

Anonymous said...paranormal melodrama. melodramatic paranormalcy. sounds like an angst orgy.

Phoenix said...You make that seem like a bad thing, Anon. I happen to like angst. I want the characters I read about to wallow in it. Give me dark and bleak over sunny and happy any day.

However, I do like a clear understanding of why the MCs are wallowing. This query, I'm afraid, isn't making it clear for me.

First, what are the stakes for Bobby if he isn't reborn as Tara? Alice sounds like someone tying to connect with anyone only for her own sake -- to have her son back as whatever/whoever. Is someone who lets her 5-year-old drown the right mother for the boy? She just sounds selfish in the query. She has sex with the wrong guy and apparently he's out of her life b/c she miscarries. I'm not exactly rooting for her here. Maybe Bobby's spirit is best left in limbo or wherever such 'tween spirits hang out.

Theo is just a confusing character from his description in the query. Is his gift hammering at him and he's always reaching out trying to figure out what that pounding in his head means, and he's on the cusp of knowing, but it's elusive, dancing out of reach each time he thinks he's about to have a breakthrough, and it gets worse around certain people but he can't figure out what the connection means, and if he doesn't figure out what's messing with his head soon, he'll go crazy and maybe start living naked in a junkyard? Oh no. It's the personal loss that puts him over the edge. What might that loss have been -- his wallet? his driver's license? his 5-year-old son that he lost last year in a drowning accident? Some grounding, specifics, and dot connection is needed here, I think, before Theo can be fully realized in the query.

Matthew said...I thought the query was too vague and a little confusing. I think you should focus on the female protagonist and give the junkyard man only a couple of lines. If I knew everything about her and little about him, making him and his power more mysterious, I would find the book more alluring.

writtenwyrdd said...I think that, based on your description, you might just call this Vale of Tears, because all we hear about is how wounded, desperate, insane or emotionally crippled the two characters you mention are. And it's depressing!

Now, I'm sure your book is not a total downer. So perhaps you might cut much of the description of the naked-in-a-junkyard and related madness (which make your main character seem crazy, too) and give us some of the plot?

This query doesn't show me anything appealing about the novel, and I think you need to find the emotional hook that will make people want to read your story to see more about your main character and her struggle.

Anonymous said...What's the pace? I don't have any idea if this covers the first 3 pages or the whole book. This would not keep my interest for 100,000 words, but it might work as the beginning.

Dominique said...A lot of this confused me. I really liked the title, but from it I anticipated a fantasy story about a girl named Tara. I really didn't know how to respond to a contemporary piece about someone named Alice.

_*Rachel*_ said...GTP !6! was the real one?!?!?! Oh, my. Oh. My. To solve all your problems, rewrite it as a farce. As the Reduced Shakespeare Company said, the tragedies are funnier than the comedies.

Joanna said...I'm intrigued, more by Theodore Amer's gift and the ways in which it cripples him when he doesn't know what to do with it than by Alice. I'm confused about why Tara is the title character but doesn't appear in the query. If the book is largely about Alice I hope Theodore is able to persuade her to stop trying to bring Bobby back and to move on with her own life. If it's about Tara I can imagine a lot of conflict around Mom wanting her to be her reincarnated brother (and presumably Dad wanting the same thing, so Mom will believe he was the Right Man...) Sort of like a paranormal "My Sister's Keeper."

Steve said...I think we need to know a bit more about how (and why) these two characters connect together. As things stand, it's not clear how they even know each other, much less how they find out that they need each other ... I'm sort of assuming, here, that Theodore's ability has some bearing on Alice's ability to conceive, though I'm blowed if I can see how.

How do they meet? And why does their first meeting not end rather abruptly with Alice running away and calling the cops? I think these questions need to be addressed, some way - it'd make the whole thing seem less unlikely.

Anonymous said...I want to know where Tara comes in. Or at least whose tears they are (because I'm not sure if they're Alice's or Theo's or both).

Book Chat Reminder

2012-01-05T15:49:00.000-05:00

Saturday, the 7th, at 11 AM eastern. The author will be with us, so bring your questions and your praise.

New Beginning 913

2012-01-05T10:22:00.005-05:00

Gather ‘round my children, come closer. I will tell you the tale of the Walker on Rainbows and the Moonbreaker, of the White Mage with long clinging shadows.

The Moonbreaker was a greedy one. It stole the thoughts of the stars and the ideas of the clouds. It claimed the might of the sun and depth of the sky. The only thing it could not take by trick, trade or temptation was the light of the Sybilline Moon. So that became the one thing it desired above all else.

Oh it tried all it could to obtain that light. It cheated and lied, bribed and seduced, threatened and cajoled. But, the light always remained just beyond its grasp. So it searched and it scrounged until at long last it found the keys of the ancients, the hidden door with crystal locks. “Aha!” it thought to itself, “this will give me the path that reaches the light of the Sybilline Moon.”

And as if in reply to that unvoiced thought: "He should use the space shuttle."

"What?"

"Obvious really. See, that's why Sean Connery was better."

"What?"

"Sean Connery. Blows Roger Moore in his sleep. Connery was the best Bond."

"You're thinking of Moonraker."

"What's this then?" "This is Moonbreaker. It's completely different."

"Well no wonder I didn't have a fucking clue what's going on. Sod this then, I'm off to play Word of Woolcroft."

Opening: Faceless Minion.....Continuation: Anon.

EVIL EDITOR CLASSICS

2012-01-04T08:32:00.001-05:00

Guess the Plot

Less than Mighty

1. When Herbert swings the hammer at the State Fair, he not only doesn't ring the bell, he gets his money back.

2. During two weeks in drug rehab, Mediocre Mouse comes to realize that he does not need to live up to his older brother's reputation in order to find true love.

3. After six years in the superhero academy, Mortimer Minniman is finally ready to receive his superpower. But a clerical error leaves him with something less than he was hoping for, and now he must fight crime as... Minty Man.

4. When ER physician Dragan Sakic proves that several recent "deaths from natural causes" were actually poisonings, the cops immediately assume (mainly because of his scary-sounding name) that Sakic must be the killer.

5. When strongman circus performer Mighty Mike Murphy is crushed during his elephant bench press act, dung shoveler Lester Wilson feels, for the first time in his life, it’s better to be Les than Mighty.

6. Detective Mike Portis is staring down the nasty end of a 12-gauge shotgun, laughing his ass off. Having to deal with gun-wielding thugs is part of Detective Portis’s job. But being strapped with a rookie who just pissed his pants is going to make life real tough or real short.

Original Version

Dear Mr. Evil ,

I am seeking representation for Less Than Mighty, a 90,000-word mystery, distinctive in its use of natural poisons for murder.

Less Than Mighty is the story of Dragan Sakic, a troubled emergency room physician whose faint memory of his childhood molestation eats away at him when he agrees to have a baby with his partner, Nina Jensen. His world begins to fall apart when he exposes, with the help of Chester Davis, homicide detective, that the death of Salt Lake City’s District Attorney was not of natural causes. [He was poisoned by three of his eleven wives.] In providing an ailing investigation impetus by revealing more suspicious deaths for what they really are—elaborate poisonings—Dragan draws the wrath of those lurking in its shadow. [In what's shadow? The investigation's? I hate it when there are more than twenty words between a pronoun and its antecedent.] When Nina is found near death, and evidence discovered at their home implicates Dragan in the DA’s murder, [Nina killed the DA, planted the evidence, and made it look like she'd been attacked, thinking this would throw suspicion off of her, not realizing that this would actually make her the number one suspect, simply because it's been done in thousands of mystery novels and cop shows already.] [Of course a character named Nina betrayed the main character on 24, season 1, so I recommend you either change her name or change the plot.] [Thinking Dragan was also the name of a 24 villain, the one played by Dennis Hopper, I Googled the name. Turns out the villain was Victor Drazen. But here's the interesting part: Googling Dragan turned up Dragan Milicic, a mathematician from . . . Salt Lake City, and author of numerous E-prints, including Twisted Harish-Chandra sheaves and Whittaker Modules: The non-degenerate case. I don't think it's much of a stretch to guess that you based Dragan Sakic on Dragan Milicic, who gave you an "F" in math, and who you've been slowly poisoning ever since you became his pharmacist, just like the pharmacist on Desperate Housewives poisoned Bree's husband.] [Actual dialogue from Desperate Housewives:

Felicia: "I know a store you would love. It specializes in antique jewelry. It's in Salt Lake City. Have you ever been to Salt Lake City?"
Edie: "No, I try to steer clear of Utah. It's a little too . . . conservative for me."

Thus the Salt Lake City/Desperate Housewives/Dragan Sakic connection comes full circle; I believe I've made my case.] [Dragan Milicic: if you Google your name and find this article, I beg you, switch pharmacies.]

he becomes the prime suspect of the investigation, and in Nina’s attack. [An ER doctor had the motive and opportunity to poison the DA? And after getting away with it, was stupid enough to demonstrate that the death was from poisoning?] Framed for murders he did not commit, and faced with the loss of the person most dear to him, Dragan [Now whenever I read the name Dragan I picture Dennis Hopper breathing fire.] is thrust into a shady world of power, revenge and religious zealotry where only the rousing of an unfathomable betrayal buried deep in the recesses of his mind can set him free. [That last section made no sense to me so I tried rearranging the words: . . . is buried in a rousing world of betrayal and of revenge, where only an unfathomable, deep religious zealotry set free in the shady recesses of his mind can thrust him into power.]

I am a pharmacist [Aha! So you admit you're a pharmacist!] with over ten years as a certified specialist in poison information. [Then maybe you can tell me what to take for this rank acid-gas I've been experiencing lately. Or is it a coincidence that "rank acid-gas" is an anagram for Dragan Sakic? Why else would you use such a ridiculous name?] The full manuscript of Less Than Mighty is available upon request. An SASE is enclosed for your reply. Thank you.

Notes

I'd turn that long paragraph into two paragraphs.

There's too much information in the first three plot sentences. I'd start off something like:

When Dragan Sakic, a troubled emergency room physician, proves that the death of Salt Lake City’s District Attorney was actually an elaborate poisoning, he makes himself a target.

Also, I'd cut that last sentence off at "zealotry," not to shorten it, but to tone it down.

You might consider leaving out the molestation and giving us more about the natural poisons. No need to go into detail, but a couple sentences about the method would help. It's a mystery, after all, and if the poison is what makes it distinctive, as you claim, and if that's your area of expertise, it's a strong selling point.

Selected Comments

Rei said...The sentences are long and awkward. Your first plot-related sentence is 37 words. And it doesn't end there.

Anonymous said...The Salt Lake City/Desperate Housewives/Dragan Sakic connection comes full circle; I believe I've made my case. That was awesome. I am still giggling my head off. Someone needs to write a mystery series starring EE as the sleuth.

BuffySquirrel said...I don't get what's meant here by "natural poisons". As opposed to synthetic ones? What's so distinctive about poisoning the victim in a murder mystery? Poisons have been used for thousands of years. I think the distinctiveness needs to be explained more clearly (at least to me).

Anonymous said...Author, I think you're trying to pack too much information in at the expense of clear, smooth language. Try shorter sentences, to start. It sounds like an interesting plot, though.

HawkOwl said...I have to say, sentences like "in providing an ailing investigation impetus by revealing more suspicious deaths for what they really are — elaborate poisonings —Dragan draws the wrath of those lurking in its shadow" are way too much work for my leisure reading. I shouldn't have to read something twice unless it's an advanced accounting text.

And it may be distinctive to use natural poisons for murder, but White Oleander did it before you. And that was a damn distinctive book. Insofar that it was good, which isn't the majority.

That being said, except for the fact that I don't like mysteries and your writing isn't entertaining (which may not hold true in the novel), there is no evidence of serious suckage in your query. In fact it's hard to tell whether we're in for suckage or brilliance. If I were an agent and I read mysteries, I'd look at the chapters and synopsis.

Author said...Great, absolutely great, "guess the plot" submissions. Funny as hell Evil commentary. I shred a few abdominal fibers cracking up. Guilty as charged on the melodrama. I needed to hear that. All the other critical tidbits of info offered were well received. The main problem I encountered trying to put this thang together was word economy, while providing as much Plot and Conflict as possible (I'm a Miss Snark fan, too). Not all editors/agents give EE's leeway on wordcount. This critique got some ideas brewing, which is why it's such a great service to all writer wannabees.

Thanks for the input everyone.

Author again: The only way my work could be classified as brilliant is if I used up a rucksack worth of those fluorescent lime green highlighters before submitting it for eval. But I'm slowly siphoning out some of that "suckability" factor. One inch an hour; two feet a day. So, I'm somewhere approaching brillilility and that's why I'm here. That and to lose my lisp.

EE, if you drop by again, did you have a problem with the verbosity of the sentences? I thought I packed a lot of gusto (which is also my favorite post-coital line). If you answer, I'll fill your prescription for that ailing stomach as soon as I'm done with that concoction for the dern mathematician. ;-)

Thanks again.

magz said...Author? I'm in with the gang that the story sounds just dandy, but the query sounds a bit .. stilted. Long sentences dont bother me, big words are fun, but perhaps you could just make it a wee bit snappier, cozier, more intimate?
Read it out loud; to your friends, your kids, your dog, your tape recorder. I'm betting that your speaking style is much like your comments here, much more accessible and charming. Good job !

HawkOwl said...Ah, so you can write something entertaining. :) Good luck with the novel. :)

Steph_J said...This title doesn’t work for me, but the concept of the story does. I would like to know what kind of new natural poison was used to kill people. I also like the name of your main character, and the style of your writing. I think most people know that if a physician wanted to kill a few people, they would simply walk out of the hospital with a bag full of needles, syringes, and a few vials of KCl. I’m curious as to why they think Dragan would go to the extra trouble of elaborate poisonings.

Salt Lake City, childhood molestation, and religious zealotry, makes me wonder if the story is going to involve covering up a scandal in the Mormon Church. This in turn, makes me wonder how someone with a Slavic name came to be raised a Mormon.

If Dragan’s molestation has anything to do with religious scandals, I have no problem with an author pointing out that there are always a few bad apples in every barrel, just so long as they don’t trash the whole barrel because of the few. I tend to lose interest in stories that paint religions with broad (negative) strokes.

Pesky author here: I'll take a double bladed mezzaluna to the recesses of Dragan's mind. Thank you, EE. Magz, don't think it didn't sound stilted to my ears, because it did. I'm still jiggling fingers in them ear canals from time to time. Maybe there's a way of cramming a whole bunch of interesting Plot and Conflict in a limited number of words without sounding hokey. I don't know--I haven't figured in out --but I have a better idea now. I'd always thought it was the purpose of the synopsis and the first three chapters to showcase the writing and voice and tone and other fun stuff like that. Oh, well...

hawkowl, thanks for being a good sport. :-)

Thank you all. Time to move on...

Okay, I lied. Persistent author here: I hope some of you will drop by to offer up some commentary. How's this version?

I am seeking representation for Less Than Mighty, a 90,000-word mystery, distinctive in its use of natural poisons for murder.

Less Than Mighty is the story of Dragan Sakic, a troubled emergency room physician whose world begins to fall apart when he proves that the death of Salt Lake City’s District Attorney was murder.

No more than remedies when taken separately, the three substances mimic a heart attack when combined. The medical examiner is about to sign the death certificate when Dragan notices a mathematical anomaly in the DA’s laboratory values. “These numbers make no sense,” he tells the detective. “If what happened to the DA were a Babushka, we’re still a doll short of proving murder.” A tiered poisoning. Dragan fits the pieces together and comes to the sole logical conclusion; only the DA could have murdered himself. Why?

In providing an ailing investigation impetus by revealing more suspicious deaths for what they really are—elaborate poisonings—Dragan makes himself a target. When his girlfriend Nina is found near death, and evidence discovered at their home implicates Dragan in the DA’s murder, he becomes the prime suspect of the investigation, and in Nina’s attack. Framed for murders he did not commit, and faced with the loss of the person most dear to him, Dragan is thrust into a shady world of betrayal, revenge and religious zealotry.

I am a pharmacist with over ten years as a certified specialist in poison information. The full manuscript of Less Than Mighty is available upon request. An SASE is enclosed for your reply. Thank you.

Anonymous said...Here's an unofficial critique of the new version from someone who should be off working on her own writing (but I got a good response on my own query last week, so maybe I'm not an idiot):

1st paragraph: "...90,000 word mystery in which natural remedies, harmless when taken separately, become deadly poisons in the hands of the killer."

2nd paragraph: fine.

3rd paragraph: skip to "The medical examiner is about to sign...anomaly in the DA's laboratory values." Skip to "Dragan fits the pieces together..."

next paragraph: "Dragan soon uncovers other suspicious deaths for what they really are -- elaborate poisonings. When his girlfriend Nina..." and the rest seems okay to me.

I think the content is fine, you just have some awkward sentences in there. Good luck!

Evil Editor said...I recommend dropping the third paragraph, which is confusing, and tacking something like this onto the second paragraph:

The medical examiner is about to sign the death certificate when Dragan points out that three substances found in the DA's body, no more than natural remedies when taken separately, mimic a heart attack when combined. A tiered poisoning?

Maybe change "more" to "additional" in the next sentence.

HawkOwl said...Insofar that I work with two coroners, I have to wonder why the emergency room doctor is doing such things as bloodwork in a heart attack. It's for the coroner to decide whether an autopsy is needed, not for the doctor.

Anonymous said...Insofar that I work with two coroners... Keeping them supplied? You've left a few bodies in your wake round here, that's for sure!

Dave said...The paragraph with the word "Babushka" in it is no good, no good at all.

And this sentence "In providing an ailing investigation impetus by revealing" barks like my feet after a 16 hour day. Say something like: "By Exposing several deaths as murder by poison rather than accident..."

"Tiered poisoning" might work in the book --- your writing has a very literary flare to it --- but it doesn't work in the query letter where you need to write simple declarative sentences.

Don't get me wrong, a literary flare is good, I wish I had one. I am cursed with a technical background and naturally write simple declarative sentences all the time.

It's that haunting author again: Y'all have been a great help, y'hear. I'm fixin' to go make the changes. Yee haw. Don't ask me why I'm writing with a drawl, I'm a damn Canuck, maudi tabernac!

I'm saddened by the lack of enthusiam for my nestling dolls. They were the whole book. Just kidding.

anonymous that ain't me, I'm sure I can smoothen the prose with what you offered. Thanks for taking the time.

EE, I guess the second paragraph of your latest post addresses what you suggested in the third paragraph of your Notes section. It gives more on the poison aspect. I'll make it so, Jean Luc.

Hawkowl...it's a little complicated to explain here and I tend to get longwinded, so I'll just say that the coroner screwed up (they do that, especially when the victim has a medical history of heart problems and they keel over from a heart attack. Nothing really suspicious there). Dragan is dragged into the investigation by the detective (the detective has his reasons for thinking this is a murder and there is a reason why Dragan is chosen to be the guy to review the medical dossiers). It's all part of a convoluted plot, similar to the way I'm addressing your doubts.

Dave...don't insult my critique group. I do not have literary flare. I've got an itch in a cumbersome spot, but that's about it. Every single instance I've attempted to be flary...flaming...have flare, papers got strewn across my critiquers living rooms and hands shot up in the air. I'm as drab and technical as you are. Just kidding. Remember, I'm a pharmacist--not that there's anything wrong with that--so you know where I come from.

The style of my WIP is actually dumbed down to the average reader--simple prose, simple style--like most pieces of schlock out there. Plus, I can't keep my flare up all that long! Whoa, did I set myself up for ridicule here.

Darn tootin'. My time is up. I bid y'all thanks and goodbye for now.

Anonymous said...Cheese 'n' rice, I totally missed steph j's post. Sorry about that pal.
I'm not married to the title either, to be perfectly honest. I'm leaning towards calling it Natural Selection. I have this cool guy in the book who's a poisoner profiler (based on this equally cool dude I know who developed the profile for the folks in Quantico whom I don't know) and the term "selected" comes up way too often, I bet, when talking about the victims. And all the poisons, as you know, originate from natural sources, from nature. I'll let my agent decide, when I get one of them, or I'll go with mini-mini-moe.

Actually, motive should be the most obvious factor pointing to Dragan, but that only comes up in the denoument as a twist. All along the way the cops are having difficulty pinning the crimes to Dragan (which he didn't commit, even though I said what I said just previously abouve). He was framed. Bad people left bogus clues at Dragan's home.

No cover-up with the Mormon church or anything like that. But there are good and bad Mormon apples in the book. The lead detective is Mormon, and to be different, has no wives (well, anyone who knows about the Mormons know that polygamy is prohibited, but it's still packs a good laugh). And he's a good guy. Chuckles all the time. The bad guys are from a radical Mormon sect, without any standing in the community. Hopefully that comes out. Salt Lake is not as homogeneous as you may think.

HawkOwl said...That's nice, but since that the guy (presumably) died in hospital within 24 hours of being admitted, the body belongs to the coroner, and neither the detective nor the ER doctor have the authority to decide on more tests. If they think there is something the matter with it they would tell the coroner, who would then decide what tests to do. The ER doctor would not be doing bloodwork on the client, especially after the coroner has arrived. If the coroner shows up, makes up his mind, and THEN the detective has time to convince the ER doctor to do blood work, and the doctor has time to draw and RUN the blood work between the time of the coroner's decision and the time the coroner signs the death certificate, there is something really screwed up with your timeline.

There is also no reason there would be a detective there at all, for a death in hospital from a heart attack, unless the coroner called him, as it's the coroner's job to decide whether an investigation is needed.

Either the doctor needs to know there is something wrong before the coroner gets there, or the detective needs to get the body afterwards despite the coroner's decision to the contrary, which would probably be a fairly intricate process.

Anonymous said...Um, Hawkowl, I think it's FICTION. Accuracy is all very well, but plausibility is the main thing, and I'm willing to believe the author's done that in the book -- he/she doesn't need to defend it in the query.

Pestiferous author here: Thanks anonymous. From which anonymous clan do you originate from?

Hawkowl, those are good points, but based on the wrong premise. I've worked both with, not for, the Salt Lake Medical Examiner's office and the one in Austin, Texas. My secret's out now. I'm familiar with how it works. Salt Lake also has a toxicologist, and Toxicology office, which works "independently" of the coroner (they are the lab that actually did the bloodwork on Elvis, believe it or not. Bloodwork might be pushing it, it was more like sauce. The secret McRecipe). So it depends, you see.

In my story, a full autopsy was not necessary. The death did not meet any of the criteria needed by the ME to perform one. There was no suspicion of foul play, the victim had been seen by his doctor two days prior and he died during a party in his honor, in his own back yard. And some back yard it was. You'll have to read the book to see how picturesque it was. Oh, what a yard, I tell you. A quick autopsy was perform as a favor to the police chief, some old guy with greying hair who is more verbose than I am. Call Ripley's. So, Chester, my detective, who has some hidden reason to believe the DA was murdered (the reason is told on page 147, 18th paragraph, second sentence, you know I'm pulling your leg now) gets the autopsy report from the coroner with the blood test he had ordered, plus the typical toxicology screen (which reports squat really, unless the victim did illicit drugs, and the DA was a good boy Mormon. Not much in the tox screen, but just enough in the other bloodwork for Dragan to figure something out, blah, blah, blah. So, it's the detective who gets the paperwork from the ME, who himself ordered the labwork, and then Chester brought it to Dragan.

Hope that clears things up.

Success Story

2012-01-03T19:36:00.003-05:00

Minion Chelsea Pitcher reports that her short story, "The Raven and the Razor," has been published in author Francesca Lia Block's Love Magick anthology, now available on Amazon.

Feedback Request

2012-01-03T15:46:00.003-05:00

The author of Niko and the Shadows (Face-Lift 978) has posted a new version of the query in the comments there, and awaits your reaction.

Your New Year's Resolutions

2012-01-03T09:29:00.003-05:00

1. Write the first 150 to 200 words of a new novel, and send them to EE, whose minions will let you know if you should write the rest, and if so, how you should continue.

2. Throw together a query letter for that trunk novel or that unfinished novel or that unstarted novel and send it to EE, whose minions will entertain you by writing fake plots for your title.

3. No more phoning, texting, tweeting, blogging or surfing while driving, eating out, watching a movie, or having sex, especially if accompanied by EE.

2011 Face-Lift Awards

2012-01-02T09:01:00.004-05:00

3rd Place

A Human Element

2nd Place

Angels in Atlantis

1st Place

Martin Mason and the Man in the Crystal Prison

2011 Guess the Plot Awards

2012-01-01T16:39:00.000-05:00

Hungry Coyote's Gambit

1. Coming down from the mountains and into what the people call a town is a risky business... but it’s a risk this hungry coyote’s gotta take.

2. Tired of chasing the uncatchable roadrunner and enduring mishaps that ought to have killed him a hundred times over, Wile E reviews his tactics and settles for easier prey: naïve Route 66 tourists.

3. Ever since Priscilla opened her diner, she’s had her doubts about the name. Selling eggs and sausage to truckers at one in the morning is tricky business, but she never expected her place to become the new hot spot for roadrunners. And who sent her the huge Acme brand anvil?

4. A Chicago business tycoon believes his days of struggling for existence are behind him--until he catches a glimpse of his old rival running down a back alley. This time, he swears, things will be different. This time he OWNS the Acme company!

5. All his life, Lloyd Coyote's felt someone's stacking the cards against him. Then he finds the contract between his dad and a Native American shaman, selling Lloyd's successes for 100 bucks and a keg. Now Lloyd is off to find Raven and Badger. Can he trick them into giving his successes back?

6. Nezahualcoyotl is tired of people pronouncing his name wrong, so before he sets out to take his land back from Emperor Tezozomoc, he changes his name to Hungry Coyote. Now, win or lose, at least historians will get his name right.

Sins of the Past

1. If having Vlad Tepes as a distant ancestor is wrong, I don't wanna be right.

2. An overzealous pastor stumbles across a time machine and sets out to convert every accursed heathen through history.

3. When a retired teacher of special needs students is murdered, police immediately suspect her former students were seeking revenge for all the past times she made them confess to being naughty, even when they weren't.

4. In 2045 the Earth’s climate is wildly unpredictable because of decades of CO2 emissions. Ussiah, a Mennonite priest, can forecast the weather with meticulous accuracy. When a massive hurricane heads toward the US coast, the government asks Ussiah to predict its path, but he refuses to cooperate unless the country repents.

5. During a psychic reading, fashionista Tiffany learns the reason she can’t get a date; she was a heartless supermodel in her past life. To satisfy karma, Tiffany must transform Melvin, the nerdiest boy in high school, into a hunk. But can she do it before prom?

6. Devout youth turn to Father Kevin for confession. He understands their world and knows exactly what penance to prescribe for cyber-bullying or pirate downloads. But he's stymied when a mysterious stranger shows up to confess ox-coveting, regicide, obscene semaphores, and other . . . Sins of the Past.

Alannian and the Sword of Azallyan

1. Alannian, an Iranian, battles Azallyan, an Albanian, for a sword made of uranium. Basically, a Mesopotamian echolalia. Plus an azalea.

2. With his sword of Azallyan, pubescent adolescent Alannian (an incarnation of Elyyian), and his shaman companion must avert armageddon.

3. Actually Alannian is short for Alannianovichinovakoff, and the Sword of Azallyan is actually the Sacred Sword of Azallvaneepsiepoopoovah, and it is best known as the weapon Alligatorman uses to annihilate aliens.

4. 17-year-old Alanian and his sister Anneallan must steal the Sword of Azallyan from the Hall of Allazynan to save the Kingdom of Allazhean from destruction at the hands of evil Emperor Annazealhan. That is, if bumbling warlock Fred doesn't ruin everything first.

5. Alannian the Aelf attempts to avert the annihilation of ancient Aelfswood by acquiring the amazing sword of Azallyan, advancing to Andromin and attempting the assassination of Aggrok, the administrative assistant of the Assailants Association.

6. Alannian was born in Tazmania and hates the rhyme of his name with his nationality. It's easier to move than to change names, but never one to think things through, he makes his new home in Romania. His treasured sword, a relic from Azallyan, is stolen, and thanks to the Internet, the catchy ditty "Alannian the Romanian lost his sword from Azallyan" catches on as the new little girls' skipping game. Alannian finally finds peace in Bouctouche Canada, which rhymes with nothing.

Actual Plots

6
3
2

2011 New Beginning Awards

2011-12-31T09:32:00.000-05:00

Once upon a time bodies lay thick on the ground. Most were dead but there were a few who were soon to be made so. Postules filled with blood and pus, then burst. The mixture burned the skin of the living and dead alike.

I am Death. I have sinned. This is my confession.

"Death, you say?" I tugged on my collar and swallowed. "Well, let's see . . . This is most unusual, and I'm a bit new at this, but . . . you're going to need to say twelve million Hail Marys and thirty-five thousand Our Fathers. Yes, I think that should be about right."

Opening: D Jason Cooper.....Continuation: Eric

Journal, if I am going to keep you we need to get one thing straight. I am keeping you because I want to, because I choose to and because I wish to share my experience and pessimism with any travellers fortunate enough to find you (if there are any nuggets of wisdom in my words, I apologise for that now). Most importantly, journal, this means I am not keeping you because Miss Perfect Susanne asked me to. I like to think that more than a flimsy shopper’s notepad and bank pen lies between me and insanity, thank you very much.

I would also like to point out that I’m aware you are an inanimate object, even if I refer to you as ‘you’ – it’s just easier that way. Given that I’m one of probably only a handful of sane people left on this planet, I thought you’d understand.

Not that most people nowadays are insane; they’re just dead.

Dresser, don't think I can't hear you sneaking up behind me as I write this. That's an expensive hardwood floor you're tearing up. Just keep your distance, and if I need a pair of clean underpants, I know where to find you.

Television, you turned yourself on and now you can turn yourself right back off. Or at the very least, switch away from Jersey Shore re-runs. If there's any silver lining to the bizarre force that has breathed hellish life into Earth's inanimate objects, it's that reality TV "stars" were among the first casualties.

Toilet ... we need to talk.

Opening: Naomi Reynolds.....Continuation: jrmosher

The girl screamed in delirium as she lay on the white bed twisting the stiff, starched sheets under her. A stain of sweat and blood spread below her raised and shaking legs. A musky smell hung in the air as the girl struggled. Outside the rain streamed down in a torrential rush beating in a tinny, rhythm on the windows of the back room of the one-floor medical office.

Doctor Britton’s right hand slid inside the girl up to his wrist as he pushed down on her bloated stomach. She screamed again as he touched her monstrous belly. Then her lungs and strength gave up and she trailed off into ragged whimpers.

“The head is turned. Get me the forceps!” He yelled to the nurse with cropped, gray hair. She swiftly identified the instrument from the table near her and placed it in Doctor Britton’s outstretched left hand. She trembled next to him. In her 40 years as a nurse she had never seen a pregnant woman scream so hideously through the birth process. Something was wrong, terribly wrong.

She wished there were other attendants here for this birth besides herself and the doctor – and the unseen man outside who waited to finish this night for them and take this baby. She glanced at the back door where he waited. She wondered what kind of man would wait in the rain for such a job.

[Slow dissolve. Fade in on man in brown uniform waiting patiently.]

Voice-over: UPS: For your most difficult deliveries. Ask about our guaranteed pick-up service.

[Fade to black.]

Opening: Donna Galanti.....Continuation: Anon (Probably ril)

2011 Cartoon Caption Awards

2011-12-30T08:11:00.000-05:00

3rd

Caption by Khazar-khum

2nd

Caption by anon. (probably ril)

1st

Caption by Whirlochre

New Beginning 912

2011-12-29T11:16:00.000-05:00

He stood in the afternoon sun, studying three dead bodies littering the Victorian Townhouse. The occupants had moved out overnight, stripping the furniture and decorations and leaving their dead; one withered, one pumped full of embalming fluid and one with his neck ripped out but devoid of blood. None of the neighbors heard any noise or remembered the occupants. Detective Lieutenant Gimbles prepared for magic that would bring a vision of what happened here.

***

There was a knife in Whitlaw Hamilton's chest and it dripped blood. The thief stared as the blood covered his hand. Not hot vital blood but cold unnatural blood. Whitlaw sneered, not dying. The thief stepped back, wiped his shaking hand on his sweatshirt with panic spreading over his face.

"You shouldn't have done that. It's hurts to have a knife stabbed into your heart. Did you ever have a knife stuck in your chest?" Whitlaw asked. He bent over in mock pain, grabbed the knife in his right hand and yanked it out of his chest. Blood gushed over his naked abs and down his legs. The thief babbled and turned to run.

***

The defense attorney cleared his throat and spoke carefully. "So this, uh, 'vision' of yours, Detective--"

"My magic vision," Gimbles clarified.

"Yes, your . . . magic vision of my client being stabbed in the heart told you to arrest him on three counts of first-degree murder? Did you have any other reason to charge him?"

"Well yeah, he's a vampire," Gimbles explained, exasperated. "Look!" The decorated detective seized a cross from under his collar and held it dramatically toward the defendant. The bailiff wrestled it away from him as the prosecutor looked down in shame.

"Unless the prosecution can produce some tangible evidence," the judge declared, "I order the immediate psychological evaluation of Detective Gimbles. Case dismissed."

Opening: Dave F......Continuation: Tamara Marnell

Face-Lift 981

2011-12-28T10:24:00.000-05:00

Guess the Plot

No

1. Two dogs attempt to speak in English, but their vocabulary is so small . . . hilarity ensues.

2. Convicted of treason in the Andromeda galaxy, Lachette is given the ultimate sentence: banishment to Earth! Her response upon learning this: "NOOOOOooooooooo!"

3. Look, let's just cut to the chase and say that this is my answer to your query.

4. An author attempts reverse psychology to sell a novel about the childhood of an evil genius as an autobiography. It's a meta thing.

5. Whether it followed your sales pitch, marriage proposal or drunken pick-up line, if anyone's ever asked you, "What part of 'no' don't you understand?" then this is the book for you. Over 300 pages of clear explanations and real-life examples, plus chapters on etymology, pronunciation and spelling. Soon you'll be able to say, "Baby, I'm an expert."

6. A complete guide to successful parenting, from toddler to teen.

Original Version

Dear Evil Editor,

When Lachette, one of a species of humanoid aliens composed entirely of fire called Fianites, [And you thought you were burned out?] [Is it the fire that's called Fianites?] is banished from her home planet in the Andromeda Galaxy [If she was on her home planet, why is she referred to as an alien?] for high treason, she is sent to Earth. Her crime: revealing the planet's most highly guarded secrets to the enemy in the midst of war. [In the midst of war, a space ship would have better uses than transporting a criminal to another galaxy.] [I've never thought of planets as having highly guarded secrets, though admittedly, our scientists are always trying to figure out what causes the strange noises coming from Uranus. What are Earth's most highly guarded secrets, and from whom are we guarding them?] [Apparently we haven't even been able to keep the fact that Earth is the perfect place to send your worst criminals secret from planets in the Andromeda galaxy.] After befriending a few humans--two girls named Rex and Kaz, [Would a human name a girl Rex?] and two boys named Justin and Andre--she dodges the United States Armed Forces as she keeps in contact with her best friend and princess of the planet of Fianate, Zatini. [Wouldn't Zatini die of old age in the time it takes Lachette's message to get to Fianate?] [Also, isn't Zatini a pasta?] All together, they gather evidence, examine it, and send it back to the Elder Council of Fianate to prove Lachette's innocence [There's evidence of Lachette's innocence on Earth?] and uncover the one who framed her, all this within a deadline. [Twenty-seven light years.] [Yes, I'm aware light years are a measure of distance, not time, but would you have thought it was as funny if I'd said Twenty-seven exaseconds?] [(One exasecond = 32 billion years.)] She has one month to leave American territory or the President will give clearance to hunt her down and capture her as United States property. [Why has she been dodging the US military if they haven't yet been given clearance to capture her?] [Also, the US is already crawling with millions of illegal aliens. We hardly ever manage to capture any.]

No is the completed second book in the unfinished Uncertainties Series at 52,016 words. [There's nothing Uncertain about No. Change the title to Maybe, Maybe Not.]

Thank you for your time.

Notes

I wasn't sure if this was a real novel until I realized that "RexKazJustinAndreLachette" could be anagrammed to form "EE in drunk sex tryst in Uzbekistan."

Face-Lift 980

2011-12-27T09:08:00.000-05:00

Guess the Plot

Hollywood Endings

1. Detective Krinsky is called to the Chateau Marmont to investigate the murder of a paparazzo. The LAPD chief of detectives tells him the murder is not as important as the victim’s collection of photos of the most famous Hollywood derrières. Krinsky must solve the murder, and recover the photos sought by three different groups that will kill for them.

2. Courtney isn't looking for fame and fortune when she heads for Hollywood, just a chance to make the world a better place. Then she meets hunky model-turned-actor Justin. Will publicity tours, red carpet premieres, paparazzi, tabloids, Justins' crazed jealous ex, and hobnobbing with jet-set celebs change Courtney? And is there more to Justin than his perfectly chiseled body, piercing blue eyes and adorable dimples? Based on 1000 true stories.

3. Monsters emerge from a UFO. Strategic use of a fire hose can save mankind, or at least teen psychic Chas Cramer and his girlfriend Wendy. Cross-country chase scenes. Also, a massive explosion, an angel choir and bright lights, helicopters, bazookas, massive icky sticky goop, etc.

4. Ghostwriter Tom Evans can turn any stupid monster movie into a blockbuster by rewriting its final scenes, but he yearns for an Oscar. He retreats to Wyoming to write like a modern-day Thoreau, but his insightful meditations are disrupted by wolves, grizzly bears, gun-freaks with basement distilleries, nudists, forest fires, and that seductive witch -- Roxanne.

5. Hitler, Napoleon, and Attila race chariots towards a row of exploding shopping carts where clones of zombie Marilyn Monroe line dance. More things explode. A sensitive monologue about the cost of explosions on the environment ensues. And things explode some more.

6. Each time Ludlow ditches a girlfriend, the event is more spectacular and heart-breaking than the time before, so when Dakota Jones suggests Ludlow stop writing feeble screenplays and make a documentary about his own love life it all seems brilliant -- until Tiffany finds out what the camera was for and decides to murder him.

Original Version

Dear Evil Editor,

When Midwesterner Courtney Robbins moves to California, she isn’t looking for love, fame, or fortune. She’s determined to finish law school [Imagine her surprise when she discovers the Happy Ending Bar has nothing to do with the California Bar Association.] and do her part to save the world by handling the legal matters of a local women’s shelter. [It's where women go after working on a Michael Bay film.] After a chance encounter with Hollywood’s next big thing, Justin Erikson, leaves Courtney reeling, [Is reeling good or bad?] she is forced to reevaluate her plans. [Someone else can save the world; as Justin Erickson's girlfriend, I have a shot at being on Dancing with the Stars.] When Courtney is with Justin, a hunky model-turned-actor, the sexual chemistry is undeniable, but the couple seems to have little else in common. [No need to state the obvious.]

As Justin’s career continues to thrive, thrusting him into the spotlight more than ever, Courtney assumes the relationship is doomed and focuses on enjoying the ride while it lasts. In between Courtney’s classes and Justin’s filming schedule and publicity tours, Justin shares the perks of his lifestyle with Courtney, whisking her away to Vegas, escorting her down the red carpet at movie premieres, and flying her to the set of his newest hit movie where she meets other celebs. [Between classes in law school you may have time to grab a doughnut. Flights to Vegas and movie sets sound more like between-semesters activities.]

As the passion between Justin and Courtney flourishes, they must overcome typical relationship obstacles, like the disapproval of Courtney’s parents and the antics of Justin’s starlet ex-girlfriend, [Overcoming the antics of a starlet ex-girlfriend is a typical relationship obstacle?] in addition to the challenges unique to Hollywood’s select few, such as the ever-present paparazzi and Justin’s controlling publicist. Justin struggles to shelter Courtney from the paparazzi and to ward off the crazed scheming of his jealous ex, but his own reputation continues to haunt him. [What reputation?] Meanwhile, Courtney begins to appreciate that there is more to Justin than his perfectly chiseled body, piercing blue eyes and adorable dimples, and finally accepts her true feelings for him.

As a couple, Courtney and Justin feel complete and unstoppable, but their two worlds continue to clash. When a tabloid rumor instigated by Justin’s ex-girlfriend threatens both Justin and Courtney’s careers, they must decide what price they are willing to pay to stay together.

Complete at 97,000 words, Hollywood Endings is a sexy romance-glitz novel sure to entertain anyone who has ever fantasized about the Hollywood high life or a romantic tryst with a famous heartthrob.

The full manuscript is available at your request. Thank you for your time and consideration.

Notes

This mostly sets up the situation while listing a few general things that happen. The tried and true plot of a romance would have Courtney and Justin being in love but kept apart by various misunderstandings and obstacles. These two seem to be together and simply contending with their problems. We need to see that Courtney is desperately in love but the relationship is doomed. Then we can get behind her as she fights for true love.

Focus on Courtney. Set up the situation in paragraph 1. Then get to the main obstacle, which seems to be the crazed scheming of the jealous ex, and especially the tabloid rumor she's responsible for. What's the rumor, how does it threaten Courtney's happily ever after, and what does Courtney plan to do about it?

As it is, Courtney has the life "anyone who has ever fantasized about the Hollywood high life or a romantic tryst with a famous heartthrob" wants, and we can't tell if she's happy with it or wishes she were working at a shelter. If you don't show us how miserable she is about something, we won't cheer her on to happiness. We'll just hate her for complaining about the minor irritations that come with having it all.

In short, less about the Hollywood lifestyle, and more about Courtney's hopes and dreams.

Feedback Request

2011-12-27T00:17:00.005-05:00

A new version of the query for Daughter of the Woods (Face-Lift 976) has been submitted by the author. It's in the comments there, awaiting your feedback.

Book Chat 46

2011-12-26T09:29:00.004-05:00

It's time to schedule our next book chat. If you would like to discuss The Forest of Hands and Teeth, by Carrie Ryan, with others who've read it, say so in the comments, and provide days/times you are unavailable between now and January 7. I'll try to find a time everyone can make it. (As the author plans to join us, her availability will get top consideration.)

Tongue Twisters

2011-12-25T13:34:00.002-05:00

Sometimes Evil Editor notices that certain phrases in writers' query letters are difficult to say five times in a row really fast. Thanks to Google I've been able to collect these examples:

Stepmom's swan song

Leftshwich

ski sash

Rod-legged oil rigger

ruthless duelist

Laleena llama

EVIL EDITOR CLASSICS

2011-12-25T00:05:00.005-05:00

To celebrate the season, here are a couple of EE's old writing exercises, one about a Christmas ghost, and the other about trying to park at the mall during the Christmas season.

The Ghost of Christmas Future Visits EE

What the-- How'd you get in here?

I am the ghost of Christmas future.

That so? You look like John Malkovich.

I get that a lot. I was expecting you to be asleep.

Nah, I do the slush in the wee hours. It's less addictive than sleeping pills. Hey, you wanna help?

I'm not--

An editor? Don't worry about it. Just read the first paragraph of each manuscript. If it sounds like it was written by a lobotomized Lithuanian lumberjack, toss it onto that mountain of paper in the corner. Otherwise put it in the pile on my desk.

I don't see a pile on your desk.

Exactly.

I'll give it a try. Hmm, the first paragraph of this one is only one word.

Is it dialogue?

Yes.

Is it the F bomb followed by an exclamation point?

How'd you know?

Toss it.

You know, this is pretty easy. Wanna trade jobs?

Hmm. What's your job like?

It's nothin. I show some jerk the errors of his ways. He's supposed to learn his lesson, but they never do. The best part is I work one day a year.

Whattaya do the rest of the time?

Surf the web.

Space Quest

Got a craving for a cinnamon bun. Got a craving for a cinnamon bun. Hey, that's pretty catchy. I shoulda gone into advertising. I mean, what's more satisfying: editing some piece-of-crap book from the slush pile so some incompetent author can take credit for all my work while 10,000 people read it; or writing a jingle that'll get stuck in 20 million people's heads until they want to scream?

Got a craving for a cinnamon bun . . .

WTF? There's no parking spaces? What if I had an emergency? What if I needed some medicine for my baby? What if I . . . got a craving for a cinnamon bun?

I'm gonna run out of gas looking for a space. It's not right that people who shop here once a year take up the whole lot while regulars like me can't get in. Hell they got special spaces for the handicapped, why can't they have special spaces for people who just wanna run in and grab a cinnamon bun? Got a craving for a cinnamon bun . . .

Shit, now I can't get that jingle out of my head. Which proves it's effective. Maybe I'll auction it off to the cinnamon bun makers. It's gotta be worth millions.

Why am I wasting my time? I've never enjoyed an entire cinnamon bun. They make 'em too sweet, you get gooey icing all over your hands . . . The first bite's okay. The second and you're thinking, I paid three bucks for this hunk of sugardough? You toss the rest on the floor of the car to keep the one you bought last year company.

I'm outta here. I need gas. I'll stop at a gas station with a grocery that even with it's ripoff prices still only charges a buck and a half for a packaged honey bun that's been on the shelf six months. Got a craving for a cinnamon bun. Got a . . .

Face-Lift 979

2011-12-23T09:27:00.008-05:00

Guess the Plot

Tyger, Burning

1. One of the world's most accomplished and eminent scientists offers a solution to the impending world fuel shortage.

2. A famous golfer/womanizer intentionally misspells his name at Heaven's pearly gates, but Saint Peter is on the ball for a change and sends him to Hell.

3. William Blake is transported to 21st century Indonesia, hires a local guide, and goes in search of the last remaining Sumatran tigers. But when a forest fire breaks out, can he rescue the cubs?

4. Gay super-villain Tyger, a man who can transform into a burning tiger, escapes from his cell and goes in search of his arch-enemy Kallie, a lesbian superhero with scalpels for fingers.

5. A poet stricken with cancer fights to stay alive as he hopes his daughter will visit him in the hospice. A heart-wrenching story broken up by the inclusion of the main character's hope-filled poetry.

6. Professional wrestler Tyger, who dresses in a tiger costume, realizes that he should have sprung for the flame-retardant version when he discovers he'll be wrestling washed-up superhero "The Flamethrower."

Original Version

Dear Evil Editor,

People with abilities they shouldn't have. Abilities that are impossible. A man who can transform into a tiger, apple core eyes, and orange, black stripes, burning. A woman with metal fingers instead of flesh, scalpel-like. [An author who needs no verbs.] They are called Caps.

Kallie is a Cap. She is stronger than anyone she's ever known, and she aches to be the hero she could be. She shatters bones of those who would steal, spills blood of those who would kill. [How does she determine who would steal and kill? Even if she reads minds, you can't just walk up and break someone's bones on the grounds that he would have stolen in the future. Does she always arrive at just the right moment to catch criminals who are about to steal or kill? ] When the man who maimed her years ago is broken out of his padded cell, Kallie knows he will find her again. John Doe plucked the fingers from her hand, and he must remember how she tastes, and now she finally has the chance to hurt him like he hurt her.

TYGER, BURNING, a gay/lesbian superhero novel [A what?] complete at 90,000 words, is written from two points of view: The woman preparing for her final encounter with John Doe, and the man responsible for breaking him out. It is my first novel. I have a B.A. in creative writing from Eckerd College.

Thank you very much for your time and consideration [and evilness].

Notes

It's not obvious whether John Doe is the guy who can become a tiger, or if that's the guy who breaks John Doe out. I would expect a tiger to have done something more violent than "pluck" Kallie's fingers. Like at least rip them off.

If "Tyger" is the name John Doe goes by: Most superheroes and their nemeses have secret identities, but we don't call them John Doe, we use their awe-inspiring super names. If this is a world in which super powers are known to exist, JD would be referred to as Tyger.

Thus if Tyger is the character who breaks Doe out, I'd refer to him as Tyger, the super-villain responsible for breaking him out.

This is all set up. Kallie's arch-nemesis has been sprung from prison and she wants to capture him either to make the world a safer place or for revenge. Now, what's her plan? What's making it difficult? What's at stake? Is this guy out to destroy the world, or does he just want to pluck Callie's toes now? Tell the story.

I think you can do without the first paragraph. You might want to open: TYGER, BURNING is a gay/lesbian superhero novel complete at 90,000 words. This makes it clear what we're dealing with, and you can describe the characters' powers as you introduce them.

I assume you've thought about whether the gay/lesbian aspects of a gay/lesbian superhero book need to be brought out in the query letter, and have determined that they don't? After I'd read the summary, it came as a surprise when you declared it a gay/lesbian superhero novel. Possibly that's because I'm so naive I didn't realize that spelling "tiger" with a "y" is code for gayness. Is this a superhero book whose main character happens to be a lesbian, in which case I'm not sure it's even necessary to call it gay/lesbian? Or is it a book you don't think would appeal to those who aren't gay/lesbian?

Success Story

2011-12-22T12:43:00.007-05:00

David Gaughran reports that A Storm Hits Valparaiso (Face-Lift 716) is available as an ebook from Amazon.

This link to the first chapters was taken from his blog:
A Storm Hits Valparaíso by David Gaughran – First Six Chapters

Evil Editor in Art

2011-12-22T09:55:00.011-05:00

Back before they invented photography, one could preserve one's likeness for posterity only by hiring da Vinci or some other artist to paint one's portrait. Today, when every Tom Dick and Harry is suddenly a member of the paparazzi, and thus at least tangentially a murderer of Princess Diana, an artist's rendering is once again the classiest means of showing the world what they long to see, namely celebrities such as Evil Editor.

You'll recall that EE has been the subject of numerous artists' works in the past, including, but not limited to the following:

Self portrait in oils, now hanging in EE's home

Evil Dad, by Evil Jr., created for the Ocuritz pince-nez advertising campaign

Evil Editor, by Anthony B, created for the 2nd Blogiversary celebration, 2008

And the latest addition to this pantheon of pulchritude (and I say this hoping it makes sense, as I have no idea what "pulchritude" means, having used it only for its alliterative qualities):

EE at Work, by James Catlett

Clicking on individual paintings may result in enlargement. Contact the artists for prices on originals or prints. Evil Editor not responsible for marital discord resulting from the hanging of his portrait anywhere in your home, especially on the bedroom ceiling.

New Beginning 911

2011-12-21T09:19:00.005-05:00

Niko saw his first Shadow the moment he set foot in Aldemyr.

He followed the other passengers off the steamship gangplank onto the harbor landing and there it was, a grey filmy thing scuttling beneath a heavy cart.

"Out of the way." His little sister, Sandy, shoved him from behind.

"All right, all right." Niko gripped his bags and walked up the crowded sidewalk, keeping pace with the cart, his eyes riveted on the thing as it rippled along the street.

At first, he'd thought it was part of the cart's own shadow; he could see the cobblestones through it. But then it jumped forward and danced beneath the horse's clopping feet, darting between each hoof that hit the ground. Niko shivered in the summer air.

Sandy dragged her bags over beside him, her short plump legs kicking at her long skirts, while Mama scanned the area for their escort.

"What is it?" Sandy followed his gaze. "I don't see anything."

Niko shook his head. "I don't know."

As the cart drew near, the thing leapt into the shade of the gutter, just inches away. Niko jumped back, his heart pounding, but the creature only hovered a moment, a puff of dark smoke. Niko had the feeling it was staring at him, though he could make out no face, or even a discernable head. Then it skittered up the street and vanished around a corner. No one else on the crowded sidewalk gave it any notice.

"Look, there's another one!" Niko leant down to his sister's level and pointed toward a nebulous blob behind the horse. "Under the cart! It's some kind of Shadow Creature!"

Sandy frowned and scrunched up her eyes, trying to focus on what her brother was pointing at. "There's no such thing as Shadow Creatures; that's a lot of horseshit."

Turned out she was right. It was.

Opening: Laurie A. May.....Continuation: Anon.

If Santa Were a Hard-Boiled Dick

2011-12-20T19:38:00.000-05:00

New Beginning 910

2011-12-20T10:08:00.004-05:00

They told him it was a psychological condition.

Of course they were very sorry, but they were unable to continue employing him in his current position. There were other opportunities available: the company sponsored a racing team and ground-based branches of the company always needed flyers. If he preferred to seek employment elsewhere they would be happy to give him a very nice separation package and a stellar recommendation. Or, if he wished to retire, they would pay all fees associated with the PDT.

They told him that too.

He returned to his company-owned apartment which they would graciously allow him to use for two more weeks. After activating pre-set queries on the terminal next to his bed, he slept for sixteen hours. When he awoke he examined the results: low-density population centers sorted by price of living and correlated with his savings to obtain a short list of planets where he could live comfortably for more than eighty years. The planet farthest away would take anywhere from four to nine months to reach depending on riftquakes and how well the ships were piloted. More importantly, the trip would require transfers at low-tech space ports -- opportunities for him to disappear.

****

"This is very interesting, Lenny," Dr. Schmaltz encouraged her patient. "It's so good to see you expressing yourself creatively. But sixteen hours of sleep is much more than you need, and you still seem preoccupied with this idea of 'disappearing.'"

The psychiatrist set Lenny's journal on her desk and picked up a pen. "I'm increasing your Prozac by another 20mg per day," she said, scribbling down the prescription. She tore off the top sheet and offered it to Lenny with a smile. "I look forward to seeing what you write for next week."

Opening: Faceless Minion.....Continuation: Tamara Marnell

Twitter War Results

2011-12-19T15:33:00.004-05:00

In retrospect, it was inevitable that I would crush Mrs. V in our race to 100 followers of our Tweetness. The stakes, you'll recall were that the loser had to quit tweeting and do some actual work around here for a change.

In addition to that penalty, I've also moved Mrs. V's tweets not only below mine in the sidebar, but also below the blog archive index. It's kind of like being forced to sit at the kiddies' table at a family gathering even though you're fifteen and bigger than half the adults. In short, abject humiliation.

Fans of Mrs. V will be happy to know I'm considering allowing her to post tweets on my blog on weekends. Now, gotta get back to my own twitting.

Face-Lift 978

2011-12-19T09:23:00.008-05:00

Guess the Plot

Niko and the Shadows

1. Shy child Niko Jones is so terrified of the school bus, when the 1st day of kindergarten comes he runs to hide in the shadows -- and is never seen again! This humor-horror picture book will help children realize going to school is better than the alternatives.

2. It snows in Paris and Niko, a young alley cat, nearly freezes until a family of Shadows takes him in. Together they merrily haunt the Louvre until evil busybody Dr. Debut decides to fumigate. Plus, a 12-year old pickpocket named Nell.

3. The wizard king switched his infant son, Niko, with a pizza delivery dude's kid to protect him from the Shadows, a rough syndicate of magical thugs. But Niko could never pass as ordinary and at 17, he blows his own cover with a reckless spell. Trouble ensues. Also, a girl band and winged cats.

4. Niko heads for the city, where he's heard magic is common, but the only magic he sees are creepy shadow creatures. Invited to attend the king's grandson, Niko is soon caught up in court intrigue and an assassination. Now it's up to Niko to save the day by following the shadow creatures through the Valley of Monsters to defeat a powerful necromancer.

5. Sent away to live in exile with other surly teens, Niko soon realizes something sinister lurks in the shadows. Vampires? But unlike the ones on TV they all look hideously dead and smell worse. Maybe they're zombies? No, they are Zombires, a new kind of biting monster that really is impossible to kill.

6. The Shadows, a one-hit wonder twenty years ago, are on the comeback trail thanks to acapella rap. Niko's Lounge, desperate for a live group, hires them for Christmas. Niko needs a miracle: he promised his mother a real tree and a turkey dinner. If he can get the shadows to turn their jackets inside out, rip off a couple of sleeves and lower their pants 6 inches maybe there's a Christmas miracle in the offing.

Original Version

Dear Evil Editor:

Fifteen-year-old Niko grew up in the one place where magic doesn't work [Earth.], though he's read about it all his life. Unfortunately, when he moves to the ancient city of Aldemyr, he finds no magic swords or eldritch wands. [Why is this unfortunate? Did he move there because he needs a magic sword and an eldritch wand in order to become a wizard?] Instead, he can see the scarpies, creepy little shadow creatures who live in darkness and feed on black magic. [Why "instead"? That implies an either/or situation involving opposites, as in: I expected it to be hot in the Sahara; instead it was snowing. Even if Niko found an eldritch wand, he still would have seen the scarpies. Instead of "instead," you want something like: In fact, he sees nothing supernatural . . . except scarpies, creepy little shadow creatures who live in darkness and feed on black magic.] Most people can see a few of them here or there, but Niko sees them in the hundreds, creeping around the city, stalking people, or throwing themselves against buildings, trying to get in. No one takes the scarpies seriously; Niko's cousin calls them spectral rats. Niko just tries to ignore them.

But when Niko is invited to court to attend the king's young grandson, the king's son and heir is murdered by a mysterious magical attack. [That sentence isn't connected to the previous paragraph well enough to start it with "But." Either start it with "When," or make the connection, which I'm guessing goes like this:

No one takes the scarpies seriously.

But when the king's son and heir is murdered by a mysterious magical attack, it's the scarpies who hold the key to the assassin's identity.] Later that night, the scarpies lure Niko to the remains of animals killed in a black magic ceremony. Coincidence? Or is there a connection? [Lure him, or lead him? "Lure" suggests they don't have his best interests at heart.]

And then there's the strange arrogant girl, Julian, who came to Aldemyr the previous winter carrying a corpse on her back. [Did anyone ask her for an explanation? Or did she just drop the corpse off in front of the morgue and check into a Motel 6?] She tracks Niko wherever he goes and the scarpies are as drawn to her as they are to the black magic remnants they discover. People tell Niko she's a monster. She tells him they're right. Is she an ally, a murderer, or something even worse?

With a court barely held together by an ailing king, warring factions vie for power and control. Niko is certain his new friend, the young prince, now heir to the throne, is in danger. Niko is forced to accept Julian's help and follow the scarpies through the darkest places in Aldemyr, even through the Shadow Mire, the valley of monsters, to stop a necromancer before anyone else is killed.

Niko and the Shadows is a YA fantasy novel complete at 70,000 words. Thank you for your time and consideration.

Sincerely,

Revised Version

Fifteen-year-old Niko grew up in the one place where magic doesn't work. Seeking an escape from the boredom, he moves to the ancient city of Aldemyr to live with his cousin, expecting to find wizards wielding eldritch wands, changing dogs into dragons and dragons into dogs. Instead he sees nothing unusual . . . unless you count the scarpies, creepy little shadow creatures that live in darkness and feed on black magic.

No one takes the scarpies seriously (Niko's cousin calls them spectral rats). But when the king's son and heir is murdered by a mysterious magical attack, it's the scarpies who lead Niko to the clue that could reveal the assassin's identity.

Then there's the strange arrogant girl, Julian, who came to Aldemyr the previous winter carrying a corpse on her back. She follows Niko wherever he goes. People tell Niko she's a monster. She tells him they're right.

With the court barely held together by an ailing king, warring factions vie for power and control. Niko is certain the young prince, now heir to the throne, is in danger. Teamed up with Julian, he follows the scarpies through the darkest place in Aldemyr, the Shadow Mire, to stop a necromancer before anyone else is killed.

Niko and the Shadows is a YA fantasy novel complete at 70,000 words. Thank you for your time and consideration.

Sincerely,

Notes

With warring factions trying to gain control of the court, why would a kid who just moved to the city be invited to attend the king's grandson?

Not clear whether Niko moves to Aldemyr just to witness some magic or to become a magician or just coincidentally.

Do these kids really have the ability to take on a powerful necromancer, or are the scarpies doing all the dirty work? What does Niko bring to the table? I'm assuming Julian has some powerful mojo that will be useful against the necromancer. If she doesn't, we probably don't need her in the query. Of course, I couldn't walk 50 feet with a corpse on my back, so Julian gotta have something going for her.

EVIL EDITOR CLASSICS

2011-12-18T08:57:00.000-05:00

Guess the Plot

Shadow of Doubt

1. Should Carmela marry Dennis, wealthy weapons merchant, or Farley, struggling sculptor? It would be easier if she didn't think either of them could be the murderer of Bobbles, the village idiot in the sleepy hamlet of Dalsette. Will she ever be free from this . . . Shadow of Doubt?

2. A rich widower visits his niece, only to meet with a series of bizarre, near-fatal accidents. Could it be that some higher power is trying to tell him that he should redo his will, in which he leaves all his money to his nephew?

3. By night he takes human form, but by day he's a payphone. Should he tell his new crush his secret, thus jeopardizing everything? Or should he settle for a sex-only relationship and hope she's the type who loves to use the phone? It's a dilemma.

4. When Sandra exposes herself with her book, “Lying for Fun and Profit,” her editor lets slip that the book is selling due to its unintended humor. Her accountant absconds with the money and her boyfriend dumps her. Penniless, infamous and idle, she is refused employment by everyone. Except Satan.

5. When he was born his father named him 'Doubt' Lambright--they were never very close. But when he falls in love with a girl who turns out to be his first cousin, whether he's really his father's son suddenly becomes important. Oh, did I mention they're Amish?

6. Three dead actors. One missing director. And the only witness is a chimp. Homicide detective Zack Martinez knows two things: the chimp isn't talking, and there's no way he'll let the perp make a monkey out of him.

Original Version

TITLE: Shadow of Doubt

Query - Plot: [If these two lines are part of the query, get rid of them. They're wasting space.]

What happens when you fall for the one you are forbidden to love? [In my case, I sit around my home every night watching TV and wondering if Julia Roberts will ever remove the restraining order.] When destiny takes over everything you fought to control, that which was forbidden could now destroy you. [This is all too vague to have any meaning, and will presumably be restated below with specificity. Dump it.]

Erebus is a Shadow, an immortal night dweller, walking the Earth for the last century. [You don't need to be immortal to have walked the Earth for the past century. Just really old.] By day he is the occlusion of a payphone, [Say what? What does that even mean? I can only assume it's a typo and it's supposed to read: By day he is an octopus made of Play Doh. Or he's the clue gun of a peafowl. An accused Hun from Plano?] and by night he returns to human form. [When did he ever have human form? I assumed he was this immortal night-dwelling Shadow creature when he wasn't a payphone.] He’s different than other Shadows, [which are, by day, reflections of coffee makers.] solemn when Shadows are meant to live for personal fun and satisfaction. That is, until he meets Aurora, a young law student at Cornell University, a human girl. His entire world is shaken. Human feelings he's never had, and urges he’s never understood, like wanting to have a place to live of his own, [Does he live in a phone booth in the daytime?] drive him to question everything about himself and his kind.

Prohibited by the Night Council to have a relationship with a human that involves more than just sex, Erebus is risking severe punishment to be with Aurora on a completely different level. [Even a sex-only relationship with a human can be problematic--if you're still going at it when dawn arrives and you suddenly turn back into a payphone.]

When a jealous old flame, Nanny, stalks back into his life, [I could never date someone who went by the name Nanny. Although it's better than dating someone who goes by the name Mommy.] Erebus breaks the most important law set by the Shadows and reveals his secret to Aurora. [Are we talking about the secret that he's immortal or the secret that he's a payphone?] [I'm thinking if you tell your true love you're a payphone, it doesn't matter whether she believes it's true or not. She's gone.] [I'm not sure whether I'd rather my mate be immortal or a payphone. Immortality would be good because funerals are expensive. On the other hand, it wouldn't hurt to have a steady influx of spare change.] By telling her, he jeopardizes everything, and must protect her from Nanny and the judgment of the Night Council. [The only thing he jeopardizes is his relationship with her. No way Aurora bought his claim that he's an immortal nightcrawling payphone.] His biggest fears are realized when he sees that [Aurora has her own cell phone, and thus won't be pushing his buttons.] his desire for Aurora could destroy her, or worse, erase his own Shadow forever.

SHADOW OF DOUBT is complete at 52,000 words and falls into the category of young adult fantasy. The storyline has a unique twist [I'll say.] that goes beyond the traditional fantasy, with pure love that can conquer anything in and beyond this world.

Notes

What would happen if humans found out Shadows existed? What's the punishment for telling a human you're a blender? In other words, what's at stake?

Usually authors go with a human being as the main character if one is available. Especially when the alternative is a payphone.

Whatever the occlusion of a payphone is, the query is better off without it. We also don't need Nanny. She's a subplot.

What's the difference between a Shadow and a human at night? Besides immortality. Do Shadows have any powers? Can they have relationships with each other? Are all Shadows occlusions of payphones, or are some occlusions of gas pumps? Are all objects Shadows? Or are there a limited number of Shadows?

Selected Comments

wanitajump said...Dying laughing at your comments on the Shadow of Doubt... I betchya you were shaking your head as you read it! Thanks for the ideas... The story doesn't sound as ridiculous as the query's made it out to be! I promise you that :) It's actually been picked up by an agent and I think a proper rewrite of this is DEFINITELY in order!

khazar-khum said...Is Erebus at all concerned that pay phones are a dying breed? What happens when he's the only one?

Angela Robbins said...Things that make you go: hmmmm? Definitely a new twist when one of two MC's turns into a pay phone! Gives new meaning to: here's a quarter call someone who cares. I don't like that your characters' names are the same as mine in something I wrote, but considering they've been around for millennia, I guess I can't cry and whine now. If this was picked up by an agent, why did you need EE and his minions to shred it? Just curious. I agree with EE's real and blue comments and laughed at all their hilarity!

Ashley Girardi said...I really want to know what an occlusion of a payphone is! This query is a mess but you say you've had bites from an agent so there must be something to it that I'm not seeing. Right now the plot reads as a very cliche supernatural boy meets girl love story with the inexplicable addition of a pay phone.

Angela Robbins said...I'm wondering... if Erebus cheats on Aurora with a cell phone, will Aurora still accept his collect calls?

Mother (Re)produces. said...You mean he's blocking a pay phone? Like a wad of shadowy chewing gum? What a bizarre life. Sounds interesting but I'd love a few more specific plot details.

mb said...This gets my vote for funniest Face Lift of 2010 so far. Also maybe funniest query. If I were an agent I'd have requested pages, too, just too what the heck the thing was like.

Dave F. said...Well, we can't say it's a plot we see everyday. Nosiree, we can't. And the blue comments are just spectacular.

Sarah from Hawthorne said...Please, please explain what on earth the occlusion of a payphone might be. I don't think I'll be able to concentrate all day until I know.

Anonymous said...OMG, this made me laugh so hard I look CHEERFUL at my job! Everyone else has started smiling too, apparently from the fallout of my snerkling. Please, PLEASE tell us what "the occlusion of a payphone" is!!!

150 said......I assumed "occlusion of a payphone" was an attempt to say "the shadow cast by a payphone" without actually saying "shadow" again. This is crazy. Just crazy enough to work. God bless you, author of a girl-meets-payphone love story. You really raised the bar.

Marissa Doyle said...EE, that was one of your best. This adds an entirely new dimension to phone sex, doesn't it? :) But I'm also wondering what possibly makes this a YA. Your main character is an immortal, and his love interest is in law school, which means she's at a minimum 22--that's way beyond YA territory. I'm also curious as to why you're working on a query letter if you're agented.

lora96 said...I hate to state the obvious but: A pay phone? People have cell phones, so pay phones are increasingly difficult to locate. Is Shadow in peril because the phone company may deactivate him and send him to a landfill? Perhaps a less obsolete inanimate object is in order.

Sarah said..."Perhaps a less obsolete inanimate object is in order." Maybe that's why he's looking for a date, because the work has dried up. Times are hard for us all right now...have a heart.

Phoenix said...Wanita: The reaction of the minions is telling. If an agent has offered on this, please, PLEASE do your due diligence and make sure it's a REPUTABLE agent. Check out Writer Beware, Preditors and Editors, Absolute Write... Or google "agent fees writing scam" and follow the links to be crystal clear about what you're getting yourself into/gotten yourself into. If they're legit, then congratulations, and best of luck in getting it placed! An agent will generally write the pitch to the publishers themself or will coach you along in how to write an improved one.

EE: The commentary for this is a candidate for the year's top 5 for sure! My stomach still hurts from laughing.

M. G. E. said...Clearly payphones are the new vampires! But does your payphone sparkle in the sunlight and have a moody operator voice? Just dial 143. Seriously, this was the funniest FL of all I've read ^_^ I laughed often and loud, especially over the picture, hahahha :) As for the "occlusion of a payphone" line, it seems that refers to him literally being assigned to be the shadow that a payphone casts, almost like it was his home in daylight. It's a strange concept. You'd think they'd just have to hide within the shadow of anything to survive. But no.

52,000 words seems awfully short. I keep thinking that authors are writing short novels and then trying to pass them off as YA because the word-count ended up low. Because this sounds nothing like YA.

Why do I get the feeling that the book is going to end with him deciding to be his lover's shadow for the rest of her life >_> Talk about a stalker.

My question is why he's suddenly hooked on this girl? What's special about her? There has to be something. You write him as having these purely physical relationships. I don't see any motivation on offer for a change of that mindset in his life. This is something that can be very carefully and subtly laid down, and you could do it with his old flame pretty easily.

Becca C. said...I laughed all the way through this, and it wasn't just from EE's hilarious comments. And that's not the reaction you want to your story. Seriously, A PAY PHONE?! Is he literally a pay phone, or did you attempt a metaphor or something there? PLEASE clear this up, it's killing me!

Polenth said...It sounds like a story that was initially intended to be about vampires (dark name, immortal, not supposed to have human emotion and can't go out in daylight). Spending all day in a coffin has been replaced by being a payphone, but that doesn't really have any impact (according to the query). It's still just a reason why he can't go out in daylight hours, however quirky a reason it might be. If his payphone lifestyle does have an impact on the story, that'd be something to mention.

Anonymous said...Sounds like he was hung up on her. Ya think they'll be engaged??

AA said...I've gotta ask: When he finally popped the question, DID HE GIVE HER A RING?

Sarah said...Wanita, when I read your query I wasn't convinced by the Night Council forcing all Shadows keep their race secret (that is the point of the no-close-relationships rule, I take it?). Why are the Shadows in hiding? If they're immortal then there's not much to fear from humans knowing about them.

Sometimes it seems as if the "secret race who must never be known of by humans" gimmick is just used to add some tension. Not saying that's the case in your story, just that it's a widely-used theme and you should take care to justify it. It's been done so many times (Twilight being an obvious example in recent times, I suppose, and the vampire theme in general is fond of that concept) that it can end up a bit yawn.

That said, I still want to know about the occlusion of a payphone. I have to go to work shortly, and I can't see it going well while I'm thinking about this.

Anonymous said...Is he an Obama Pay Phone? He can't take real change?

Marisa Birns said...A payphone? *looks to see if there are any around anymore. No. Will have to use cell phone again* And, eewww. Think about how MANY germ-y hands have been over Pay Phone Lover during the day. And is he really ever available for a date? I mean, doesn't Dr. Who use a pay phone for long periods of time. Wait! Is this a story about Tardis?

Joe G said...I have to admit I was surprised by which of the fake queries turned out to be the real one... Admit it. You're Tom Robbins and you've decided to take on the YA genre with this animate payphone stuff.

M. G. E. said...@ Joe G: Admit it, you totally thought GTP#5 was the real one, huh? :P
And to think I actually did research on common Amish surnames to write that one :P

Joe G said...LOL I actually did kind of think it was the fifth one. Or hoped, at least.

batgirl said...Adding my voice to Phoenix's urging the author to vet her agent on Preditors & Editors, and on Absolute Write's Bewares forum.
Also that if it's YA, you may want to drop Aurora's age to highschool. The plot sounds similar to Evermore, but Evermore's plot sounds similar to Twilight, so that's probably more of a selling point than a problem.

sylvia said...Best facelift ever.

EVIL EDITOR CLASSICS

2011-12-17T08:25:00.001-05:00

Guess the Plot

Courage of Story

1. An autobio- graphical tale of a life spent pushing fiction to increasingly hostile, and sometimes violent publishers.

2. The truth is revealed as the cowardly lion documents what really happened after his fateful encounter with a young girl from Kansas. Also, a recipe for stew using a tin pot and straw tinder.

3. A simple girl, a king and a mage have a story to tell, but first they must find someone who has the courage to listen. Do you? What about you?

4. Eighteen year old Tom Story cuts a dashing figure in his WWII uniform. At home, he uses a sob story and the uniform to bag hot nurses, but once he hits the front-lines everybody will see . . . the courage of Story.

5. Google Random Title Generator. Click on the top Googlition. Click on Give me some titles! Do you like the third one down? If not, request more titles. Do you like the third one down now?

6. When an editor receives a query letter for a book whose title seems to have been created with a random word generator, he soon realizes that he will have to write most of the fake plots. Can he get past the bad mood this is sure to put him in before he reads the letter, or is the author doomed to endure a scathing critique?

Original Version

Dearest Evil Editor,

Many people can speak without fear, but how many can listen? [Actually, I think you have it backwards. A lot of people are afraid of public speaking, but almost everyone can listen without fear. Unless what they're listening to is the dentist's drill or the footsteps of an obsessed serial killer coming up the creaky stairs. Or a shark.] [Do sharks make sounds? I've never heard one, but that may be because the sounds were drowned out by the screams of the people the sharks were devouring.] [Opening with a vague rhetorical question is bad enough, but:

1. A primary feature of a rhetorical question is that the answer is obvious.
2. You apparently believe the obvious answer to your rhetorical question is Very few people.
3. The actual answer is Almost everybody.

Conclusion: You're better off not asking the question and starting with the next paragraph.]

Raven is a formidable mage with a very gloomy outlook on life. Thani is the youngest, but also wisest, king his realm has yet seen. And Syvrus is a relatively simple girl with a relatively simple wish: to become immortal. [No point modifying everything with "relatively," unless you explain what they're relative to.] Together, these three characters tell a tale of power, of love, and most of all, of the courage to listen. [I don't even know what that means. What do they listen to? This is the part of the query where you're supposed to summarize the tale. All you've done is list three characters. What do the characters do? Who tries to stop them from doing it?]

Courage of Story [The title is bland. I got a couple decent ones from the random title generator: Wizard of Words and Thief of Silence. Even knowing nothing about what happens in your book, I recommend these titles over Courage of Story.] is a fantasy novel (directed at young adults) about a world of mythical creatures and incredible mysteries, and can be compared to other fantasy works such as “Eragon” or the “His Dark Materials” trilogy. However, unlike these novels, Courage of Story is not about a fight of good vs. evil. Rather, it is about the destruction of [evil] despotic traditional powers [by the forces of good], as well as sudden and powerful disillusionment. [This is all vague. What, specifically happens in the book?] This novel is completed and 135,000 words in length.

My name is _________________, and I am a second-year student at McGill University – with an avid interest in fantasy writing, directed at young adults. I have written a proposal for my novel entitled, Courage of Story. I would like to invite you to review my proposal (or my manuscript itself) and consider representing me. [Get rid of that paragraph.]

I noticed your impressive credentials during my search for a literary agent. I would be honored to have you represent me. If you are interested in my novel, please contact me as soon as possible. [You haven't said anything about your plot; how can I be interested?] I will be showing my proposal (or manuscript) to only one agent at a time. [You'll get it to three or four agents a year with that policy.] You can reach me at ______ or by email at __________. [That paragraph can go too.]

Yours truly,

Notes

Start over. Write an 8- to 10-sentence plot summary focusing on your main character's goal, problem, solution. Make it specific, and make it sound so interesting we just have to read the book. Then just say ___________ is a 135,000-word YA fantasy that can't be much worse than Eragon.

Selected Comments

fairyhedgehog said...There, and I was sure it would be GTP #4. #3 was hysterical. I always feel bad commenting on GTPs when I've nothing to offer the author of the query but I have nothing useful to add to EE's excellent advice. Sorry author!

josephrobertlewis said...Lots of issues here, which EE covers nicely. You should read more examples of queries here and on agent blogs before re-writing this.

1. The title is weak and meaningless.

2. You need a plot.

3. Comparisons to poorly written books by teenagers are not advised.

4. You need a plot.

enewmeyer said...EE - your comment about the title generator has led to an entire class period devoted to creating fake plots for the bad titles I generated. Who knew my 4th and 5th graders were so brilliant?

Dave F. said...Many people can speak without fear, but how many can listen? Listen without fear? A person can be taught to listen to what other people say and then act appropriately. It's part of the training you can get for conducting public meetings and compliance audits of quality management systems.
Not the material of a novel.

Stripped of adjectives, you tell us: Raven is a mage. Thani is king. Syvrus wants to be immortal. Mythical creatures, mysteries, despotic powers and disillusionment occur.
I can't even guess how those three characters interact nor can I guess what they have to do with the other items.

Tom said...EE's very last line was spot on. Eragon. For a 15-year-old writer it was a great novel.

Despotic governments are evil, unless your definition of evil is different than mine. I suppose you mean there is no Sauron or Dark Lord for the hero to fight.

By the way, who is your hero? (In the story I mean) Who is the villain? Not the king, if he is so wise, but some sort of despot.

Joanna Hoyt said...I think there's a story in here that might interest me. The courage-to-listen part makes sense to me (EE must have led a sheltered life...and I think Courage to Listen makes a better title than Courage of Story) and the disillusionment part sounds possibly interesting too; but like the others here I'd like to know what actually happens.

Stephen Prosapio said..."Syvrus is a relatively simple girl with a relatively simple wish: to become immortal." Was that supposed to be a joke? The tone of the query isn't funny, so if this wasn't an attempt at humor, this makes no sense. I'm sharing my honest thoughts here just so that you can see the reaction that lines like these give readers/writers:

Becoming immortal certainly isn't a simple accomplishment (unless it is in your world, but you haven't explained that). It technically could be a "simple wish" in and of itself in that it's not a multi-tiered wish. But just reading a line like this makes me DISinterested in reading your pages because I would assume the book is going to be filled with phrases like this that try to say something but don't say what you really mean for them to say.

The fact that you don't go into the plot of your book, and then go out of your way to say this is NOT a battle of good vs evil makes me think that this is an experimental work without a protag that rambles and sermonizes.

I say this not to accuse you of anything and I very well may be 100% wrong about your novel, but if those are my thoughts and I read about 4 queries a week (on this site), imagine what a literary agent who is reading 1,000 queries a week will think?

Kudos to you for sharing this here. Keep writing. Keep rewriting!

Stick and Move said...If your story isn't about good vs. evil, scrap it and start over.

Just kidding, but definitely scrap that line. I'll just reiterate: tell us what the story is about, and leave out what it is not about. I'm sure you have a plot, tell the reader the main plot points in the query. Don't be coy or cute, just give us the protag, the goal, the antag and the obstacles he/she presents. And the outcome.

I won't pile on about the title.

Queries are hard. Take the advice offered here and rewrite it so we'll want to read the book. You might have to rewrite it fifty times. It's part of the process. Good luck with it!

Jeb said...This sounds like it can't make up its mind whether to be a literary novel or a fantasy adventure. So, given the length, it's two novels in one manuscript. Sorry to pile on, author, but all those meaningless words in the query do not give me hope for the manuscript being less than desperately bloated. Either you need to write a query letter that reflects the crispness of your novel's prose, or you seriously need to chop at least a third of the words from your ms.

_*rachel*_ said...Put the query letter down. Now look on the left side of the blog. You see the thing labeled Blog Archive? Yes? Click on one of the pages below it and start reading. Read it all.

Bibi said...Also look at Evil's list of 15 things he cares about in order of importance in your query and go to the Phoenix Sullivan Dare to Dream blog. Research the query letter until you're blue in the face and blind in the eye. The query is the only sales tool you have. Good luck.